Re: Reverse Psychology!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Re: Reverse Psychology!
2
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 11:40am

As I was reading your post and your description of the way he is still acting toward you, I was filled with empathy for what you are going through. The combination of ex's or stbx's still wanting to 'control', along with any traces of whatever their version of 'revenge' is makes everything a challenge and issues which could fairly easily be decided upon, become huge, and as such directly affect our children.

I have almost zero contact with 'it' right now; but earlier in our divorce process when he was so eloquently explaining to me how my immediate future 'should' look if I thought I had any chance of even seeing my kids went something along the same lines as you are going through. Over half of my military career was in broadcasting; most technical or on-air positions in radio or television have some combination of shift-work. Now it really hasn't crossed my mind to pursue those types of jobs at this point for a number of reasons; having five super kiddo's being the main factor, lol.

However, in his 'surmising' he was trying to 'put a stopper in any wild hair-brained ideas you might have about going and getting your FCC license renewed and getting work back in the broadcasting field". There was "no way he would 'support' shift work on my part; that he was going for full custody of the kids; but if somehow 50-50 ended up being the order for some period of time, I better dang well get a 9-5 job, as I could never afford a qualified nanny or overnight sitter, and he would not approve of it anyhow", and he implied that I was going to go do it and leave our then 15 year old overnight with all the young ones. ???Arrggh...

Of course he spewed this mainly as a way to try and intimidate me, try to disrupt any hopes I had of making a living. He detests the part of my personality which loves the arts and creativity and naturally I want/would like eventually to create a life path which includes working in those areas of interest. I admittedly, do not like a 'typical desk jockey' job that is 9 to 5. However, for this period and as long as it takes, I am/have been working at whatever is the best hours for the children and making money in the best way I can to pay the bills long enough to get throught this horrible divorce process.

Along the same lines, he informed me that if he gets primary placement of the children, he would not allow any more than two weeks visitation with me in the summer. He listed a myriad of his 'reasons', but he one he brought up over and over was: if they come to your place in another state for an extended period of time, say 2 months or most of the summer, you will be working, they will just be in daycare full time or at a camp or something and that is not you spending quality parenting time with your children so I will not allow it and will fight it in every way possible."

Somewhere at that time, I wanted to point out that most parents who both work, have to come up with some combination of visits with grandma & grandpa, summer camp and/or the children being with a babysitter in the summer months when they are out of school. That IS the NORM, except for families where one parent is able to stay home full time in the summer. Period. That is it. We (I) was able to do that for much of their childhood, and it was great; but that is not the life we have right now. He cannot grasp ever anything that is 'normal', he makes and creates his dang universe and everything/one must adhere to or conform to his ruleset, which btw is of course not only the norm, but is morally the 'best'set of choices of course.

Your 'lightbulb moment' and new idea for parenting time sounds super, and I so hope he will see the best for your children is the main idea in all of this, not the most 'convenient' for the parents. Peace, Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-07-2006 - 12:58pm

Your STBX REALLY brings a whole new meaning to the word CONTROLLING!


It strikes me as funny about all of the things he will not "allow." It's as if he's the sole judge, jury, and executioner about EVERYTHING! I wonder if he really believes that just because HE wants something to work out in a certain way (ie - only two weeks of visitation in the summer), that's automatically going to be the way it works. I know he uses these tactics as a way to intimidate you, but I also think a part of him actually believes that it's all going to turn out the way he wants it because he is Mr. Morally Superior!


As for child care, until about a year ago, my son was in day care, then after school/camp programs when he was older. And thus far, he has not turned into a delinquent...lol. Quality parenting time does not necessarily mean not working and staying home with one's children every day.




How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.
- Anne Frank

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 6:43am

It sounds like your ex needs a reality check. He sounds a lot like mine does in his misguided thinking that he has more "entitlement" over you and that the judge is going to agree 100% with him. This is the 21st Century and it isn't a "9-5" world any more. Many people work off hours such as retail sales people, restraunt employees, hospital workers etc.

I live in New England where the job market is basically in the toilet. The big paying jobs in the mills are all going away and seasonal work is left. I am a nurse so of course there's always going to be work. I'm fortunate that I actually LIKE my job and get paid well. It just gets me that he would expect me to quit to make his life easier.

I don't envy you at all what you're going through being told what you will and won't do. Have you talked to a lawyer or a mediator yet? They might be able to set you straight on what your rights are.