Re: ...what I was worried about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Re: ...what I was worried about.
5
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 10:02pm

I am so heartened by the input and encouragement I have gotten here. I can't say thanks enough. I sure hope I can come back in the future and give some positive words to someone too. Thanks so much. I have three emails from stbx but I just don't want to even open them up and read them; will just be more threats. He continues to say I am being selfish and not putting the kids first. He says just because I didn't want to continue in the marriage, doesn't mean they should have to live any different life and that if I really love them, I will sign sole legal to him and let them go with him to a good life and for me to disappear and go do whatever it was I was planning to, and not to hurt them any further.

I called Boys and Girls Clubs and YMCA/YWCA daycare programs today. They are about $100 a child a week. There is a government subsidy for a sliding scale if you have a paying job, where up to 25% of each child's fee would be paid and you pay the rest, but the waiting list is three months long at this point. I signed up on both though. The main government assistance here is an office where you go that has multiple agencies who can help, but it is for those who have no job at all. So I must call tomorrow to find out about getting only food stamps and if there is any chance of getting on the HUD housing list, which is a year hold just to get to eligibility. I have to remind myself that there are lots of people who need help so much more than my kids and I. If somehow that judge lets my sweet kiddo's stay with me, and awards some sort of child support, maybe they will pressure stbx to really pay it, *shrugs...but not going to depend on it. I wonder if we are actually divorced or that doesn't happen til we sign some kind of custody agreement or the judge decrees it? Would I get something in the mail if the divorce had already become legal? Of course I will ask the judge if I get a chance to on Friday.

No idea what in the world I will do in the meantime between now and when school begins for a babysitter, or what to do to pick them up from school and until the time I get home from work. I will start another thread and ask for all the creative ideas you moms and dads do for babysitting/daycare. I know for the first few days to a week there are friends who can help, but not beyond that. I think my 15 year old could be responsible for the 9 year old for each day while I work; so that means I need safe care for the 4 yo, 6 yo and 7 yo still until school begins and then after-school care will have to be figured out. Will pray and be creative. I Must keep my job somehow and the apartment. Have never been behind on bills before, but am calling each credit card to let them know I can only make miniscule payments. They really don't care and don't want to hear your story; only one 'agreed' to my making smaller payments; the others all said they must put me in 'Collections' because my accounts are less than one year old, even though I have never been late before or anything. That is all I can do. I just gulped at each one and dialed the next.

I want to just not communicate with stbx until I go to the court date on Friday; but he isn't going to let me alone. I cannot-- not answer the phone or the door, because the children are on his parenting time now and they might need something.

I finally found a divorce support group which doesn't cost anything, and I am looking forward to going next week and seeing what it is all about. I haven't talked with anyone really about any of the divorce stuff since I stopped going to my counselor who I used to pay for in April. I wanted to start taking the kids instead of myself, but stbx would not agree to it of course. He has pretty much gotten the 7 and 9 year scared of anything to do with the court, a lawyer, judges or 'psycho doctors' as he calls them. I just have to pray the girls will be able to weather this til they can get some counseling to talk things out.

Its hard to make friends when you are in such a negative period of your life, you know? And you only want to tell old friends a little about it, cause they have their own life going on too. Hugs to all of you...Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 10:17pm
HI Anna.... it sounds like you're taking some steps in very positive directions.... keep trodding along... and hang in there!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Wed, 07-27-2005 - 11:33pm
Check with your kids' school to see if they have a "before-and-after school" program.
Sanguine
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 11:59am

It sounds to me like you are doing great in seeking out potential aid/solutions for your situation, plus you're managing to stay positive in spite of everything that's going on. You're doing a great job at handling all this on your own - keep hanging in there. I hope the divorce support group you've found is helpful to you. You never know - maybe there will be another parent there who might be able to offer you some ideas for your childcare problem.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 3:10pm

Keep hanging in there, Anna!!!!

For you to disappear from your kids' lives would be a huge mistake--you know that, don't you? My ex went so far as to demand I commit suicide "if I really loved the kids". Good grief, what a sick sick man. Controlling men lose their minds when their "slave" tries to emancipate herself. Your ex is AFRAID and you are NOT POWERLESS.

You're doing great so far. I feel certain that when you go to court tomorrow you will be pleasantly surprised how much on your side that judge will be. I'll bet if you ask for that judge to order some counselling for your children to be paid for by ex or insurance, he'll do it. I'll bet also you'll get some sort of alimony/maintenance/child support to get you through this temporary period.

Stay strong and optimistic!

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 07-28-2005 - 6:57pm

Hi - just a quick word of advice. Your 15 year old probably has a great idea of what is going on. Also, I believe that children over the age of 13 are given the CHOICE by the court of which parent they wish to reside with - that's the way it works here, anyway.

When I was born, my sister was 15. After the 6 month maternity leave, my mom went back to work, and it was my sister's responsibility to look after me and my ten year old sister until she got home from work. It was tough, but it was all we could afford, and it worked. Have heart. (and the added bonus to me was that I felt, and still feel, that I have 2 mom's! My sister and I are closer than ever, and spend a ton of time together - we even choose to live together!)
Hugs.
L