Reaction from parents and family
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Reaction from parents and family
| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:07pm |
Did anyone have a lack of support from their parents and/or family (not counting children from the marriage)?
When I told my father that I was separating from my husband, he was furious with me. We didn't speak for 6 months or so, and for a long time afterward he would tell other family members that I had "wanted the divorce." I never shared with him the reasons for the divorce, I believe that it wasn't any of his business and I didn't want to provide him or his wife with ammunition to say anything bad about my ex to my kids (then 1 yr and 2 yrs old).
The truth was, my ex gambled us into debt and then continued to participate in illegal gambling activities that even involved cohorts in other countries. I was terrified that the government would come after him, and we would lose our home, cars (how would I get to work? No public transportation) and security. I pleaded with him to stop, but he thought I was stupid for having a problem with what he was doing. He was also drinking heavily and dabbling in drug use. We went to marriage counseling, and the therapist asked to see us separately. During my visit with her, she said she couldn't figure out why I had married him to begin with, and why I didn't leave. She was in the business of "saving people, not necessarily marriages." We went to a second counselor, and that was useless as well, since by then I had made up my mind that it was over. Counseling only works if you have a willing spirit, IMO.
My point is that I tried very hard to make my marriage work, and I feel like I fought for it before giving up. I didn't share all that with my father, because we aren't particularly close, but I did expect that he would give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that I wouldn't just walk away from my marriage and put my children through a divorce without good reason.
How did every one else's families react?
When I told my father that I was separating from my husband, he was furious with me. We didn't speak for 6 months or so, and for a long time afterward he would tell other family members that I had "wanted the divorce." I never shared with him the reasons for the divorce, I believe that it wasn't any of his business and I didn't want to provide him or his wife with ammunition to say anything bad about my ex to my kids (then 1 yr and 2 yrs old).
The truth was, my ex gambled us into debt and then continued to participate in illegal gambling activities that even involved cohorts in other countries. I was terrified that the government would come after him, and we would lose our home, cars (how would I get to work? No public transportation) and security. I pleaded with him to stop, but he thought I was stupid for having a problem with what he was doing. He was also drinking heavily and dabbling in drug use. We went to marriage counseling, and the therapist asked to see us separately. During my visit with her, she said she couldn't figure out why I had married him to begin with, and why I didn't leave. She was in the business of "saving people, not necessarily marriages." We went to a second counselor, and that was useless as well, since by then I had made up my mind that it was over. Counseling only works if you have a willing spirit, IMO.
My point is that I tried very hard to make my marriage work, and I feel like I fought for it before giving up. I didn't share all that with my father, because we aren't particularly close, but I did expect that he would give me the benefit of the doubt and assume that I wouldn't just walk away from my marriage and put my children through a divorce without good reason.
How did every one else's families react?

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YES, my grandmother and aunts not to mention my soon-to-be in-laws all feel that I am in the wrong for ending my marriage. Everyone has an opinion of what they feel I should do, but ultimately it is MY life. And it hurts so bad, already just to go through the separation and divorce process, let alone being criticized and "punished" for the decision you made. Especially when you felt the decision you made was the best one for yourself and for your children.
I still hear recriminations in my ear from my family memebers. They all want me to stay b/c of the house, believe it or not! They all feel I should stay for the children. Some have even told me, that this was not about ME at all.
And I ended our marriage because my husband and I got into a small physical altercation. To me, ending it was the right thing to do at the time, regardless of the debt we had together or the bills that need to be paid.
It hurts seeing my kids' lives being altered, but they seem to be happy as long as they're with me. Maybe I spilled my guts too much! But your note hit a nerve in me, because I, too can relate.
Thanks for responding. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there!
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
I'm sorry your family hasn't backed you up in your decision to divorce. People just don't know what happens behind closed doors. It is your life and you know what is best. Good Luck.
My parents were there for me. My ex could be a good person but then again he was a really messed up person the next minute. My parents could see my pain. Funny thing was that my in-laws also saw my pain. One thing my sister in law said to me one day (my ex's sister) that really helped was she was looking at videos from 20 years ago, and she told me I was such a happy person. She hasn't seen that person in a long time. I'm finally breaking out and becoming that person I was a long time ago.
My in-laws have really been helpful as well as my parents.
Cat,
Welcome to the board. We hope you find support and friendship here as you deal with divorce.
Alas, one of the "dirty little secrets" our society keeps is how UNacceptable divorce really is. From the media and the frequency of its occurence, you'd think divorce would earn barely a yawn from anyone. However, as you've discovered, in times of crisis, like divorce, you discover who your "friends" really are!
I'm guessing your Father and other relatives are "OK" with divorce as long as it not someone they know, or more importantly, are related to. They may feel its a reflection on them. (Yes, even if your relationship with your father never was very good, he make have taken your news as a reflection on himself. Strange, but true.)
What I discovered during my divorce about friends and family was also a little surprising. Friends I thought were "open minded" about everything withdrew, stopped calling, and took sides. Friends I thought would be "close minded" and would condemn me, were the ones who opened their arms, hearts, and doors when I needed a friend. I was blessed with a supportive family and that was wonderful.
My advice? There's no way to control who "knows" about your situation. The only thing you have control over is WHAT you tell them. You made a good
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
My sister and brother were very supportive, thankfully. And oddly enough, my MIL was supportive as well. She still is very loving toward me and my children, even the ones from my second marriage.
I lost my mother when I was 14, and had major difficulties with my father after her long illness and subsequent death. I am aggravated with myself that it matters to me what he thinks at all. Maybe because he's the only parent I have???
Thanks for all your thoughts. I'm glad people generally received support from the people who were close to them.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
My family was actually very supportive. My ex was an abusive jerk towards not only me but our children as well. They were very relieved when I left. However, mutual friends are a different story. Alot, of them blamed me for the seperation because they never saw the real side of him that I lived with everyday for seven years. Counseling for me has done wonders. But there again you need someone that can understand where you are coming from. I hate it when stupid people ask if you tried to work it out or help them with there problems. It takes two and when the other person isn't willing to work on it there's not much you can do.
Just try and hang in there. I'm in this period of life inbetween seperation and finalizing a divorce that might as well be called, "HELL". But I refuse to give up and listen to idiots that don't know the whole situation. Take care of yourself first.
Dakota
Dakota
I am pretty close to all my family and friends. When I finally broke down and talked to my dad on the phone about thinking about leaving my DH. He was very understanding. He said he could tell for at least the past few months, just by the sound of my voice that I was not happy. When I finally told some other close friends they said the same thing. They could just tell by my voice that I wasn't happy anymore.
My STBXH's family... now that is a totally different story. It will be all my fault, yada, yada.. because I left... yada, yada...
In the end the only person you need to think about is yourself and your children if you have any. Don't live your life for anyone but yourself. You are the only person who can make you happy. I know it is hard. Best Wishes to you!
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