Ready but emotions are all over the place
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|Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:19pm|
My husband and I have been married 12 years, together for 26. We have had alot of ups and downs like most people. My husband has had some problems with addiction and has been clean for 20 months. He also has some mental health issues, depression being one and I suspect possible Bi-polar disorder. I am definitely not perfect but I have always been the more stable one in this relationship, one of the things my husband liked about me the most.
We have had quite a few separations over the years when we have periods of not getting along and he leaves for a while, usually no longer than a few weeks to a month. When we would get back together we wouldn't really talk about the problems. The last time he left for a month and came back we actually talked about some things and I thought we were in a better place. We even agreed that if things get to the point of him wanting to leave that we will talk about it and it would be ok if he wanted to take a break. I should mention that during out relationship and these separations there has never been any infidelity. That was never an issue.
My husband has also has some issues with employment. He had a job for many years with an employer who kept taking him back the many times that he would quit. He owned a couple of businesses that never went anywhere before that.
When he went to inpatient drug treatment and got clean his goal was to work there. He got a job at that treatment center in May or June of last year. He really liked the job, loved working with the clients, but had a lot of conflicts with fellow employees. I don't know all the details but to hear him tell it he rarely did anything wrong but others kept reporting him for insignificant things.
He was fired from that job last week. He said that if was for boundary issues, which he had gotten in trouble for a few times. He moved out that same day. He just said he's done and wasn't coming back home. I was angry at first and told him it was the last time, that I couldn't do it anymore. When he came to get his clothes I asked if he would tell me why he was leaving and he said he needed a break, was tired of walking on eggshells around me and that he didn't get clean to be miserable. I also asked if it was for good and he said he didn't know.
Since he left I have found out that he is connecting with many former clients of the treatment center that he worked for, which is fine because I know the kind of support system people in recovery need, but the majority of these people are girls that are the same age as our young adult kids. I didn't think much of that because most of the clients were young but today I saw that he posted a comment of a young ex-client's facebook page. She said that she would like "cuddle her princess" meaning her daughter, I assume and he posted "how about me, I'm like a teddy bear". I was shocked when I read that. So now that has me wondering if some kind of inappropriate behavior is what got him fired and he left me so he wouldn't have to tell me. I haven't bothered asking him about it because he won't answer my calls or texts and would probably lie to me anyway.
I am ready for a divorce, I actually filled out the papers today and am going to call a court facilitator tomorrow to get the process started. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with these conflicting emotions. One moment I want to cry, the next moment I am almost relieved. I'm disgusted thinking he might be messing around with these young girls, or even attracted to them, and then I think about all the years we've been together, everything we've been through and how much we loved each other. I get angry for a moment thinking that I have invested all this time in this relationship and now have nothing to show for it. I can't seem to think of anything else.
How do I get these thoughts straight and start getting over this? I have friends but no really good ones that I can talk to about this. I would rather not find a support group, that's not my thing because I have some social anxiety.
Thank you for any wise words you may be able to offer and maybe some helpful websites with tips on gettting through this