Ready but emotions are all over the place

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2008
Ready but emotions are all over the place
Sun, 01-13-2013 - 10:19pm

My husband and I have been married 12 years, together for 26. We have had alot of ups and downs like most people. My husband has had some problems with addiction and has been clean for 20 months. He also has some mental health issues, depression being one and I suspect possible Bi-polar disorder. I am definitely not perfect but I have always been the more stable one in this relationship, one of the things my husband liked about me the most.

We have had quite a few separations over the years when we have periods of not getting along and he leaves for a while, usually no longer than a few weeks to a month. When we would get back together we wouldn't really talk about the problems. The last time he left for a month and came back we actually talked about some things and I thought we were in a better place. We even agreed that if things get to the point of him wanting to leave that we will talk about it and it would be ok if he wanted to take a break. I should mention that during out relationship and these separations there has never been any infidelity. That was never an issue.

My husband has also has some issues with employment. He had a job for many years with an employer who kept taking him back the many times that he would quit. He owned a couple of businesses that never went anywhere before that.

When he went to inpatient drug treatment and got clean his goal was to work there. He got a job at that treatment center in May or June of last year. He really liked the job, loved working with the clients, but had a lot of conflicts with fellow employees. I don't know all the details but to hear him tell it he rarely did anything wrong but others kept reporting him for insignificant things.

He was fired from that job last week. He said that if was for boundary issues, which he had gotten in trouble for a few times. He moved out that same day. He just said he's done and wasn't coming back home. I was angry at first and told him it was the last time, that I couldn't do it anymore. When he came to get his clothes I asked if he would tell me why he was leaving and he said he needed a break, was tired of walking on eggshells around me and that he didn't get clean to be miserable. I also asked if it was for good and he said he didn't know.

Since he left I have found out that he is connecting with many former clients of the treatment center that he worked for, which is fine because I know the kind of support system people in recovery need, but the majority of these people are girls that are the same age as our young adult kids. I didn't think much of that because most of the clients were young but today I saw that he posted a comment of a young ex-client's facebook page. She said that she would like "cuddle her princess" meaning her daughter, I assume and he posted "how about me, I'm like a teddy bear". I was shocked when I read that. So now that has me wondering if some kind of inappropriate behavior is what got him fired and he left me so he wouldn't have to tell me. I haven't bothered asking him about it because he won't answer my calls or texts and would probably lie to me anyway.

I am ready for a divorce, I actually filled out the papers today and am going to call a court facilitator tomorrow to get the process started. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with these conflicting emotions. One moment I want to cry, the next moment I am almost relieved. I'm disgusted thinking he might be messing around with these young girls, or even attracted to them, and then I think about all the years we've been together, everything we've been through and how much we loved each other. I get angry for a moment thinking that I have invested all this time in this relationship and now have nothing to show for it. I can't seem to think of anything else.

How do I get these thoughts straight and start getting over this? I have friends but no really good ones that I can talk to about this. I would rather not find a support group, that's not my thing because I have some social anxiety.

Thank you for any wise words you may be able to offer and maybe some helpful websites with tips on gettting through this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 4:49pm

Gee not sure about this one but if your husband has mental illness then he has to receive treatment and maybe meds and keep with the treatment plan.. If not you are of course in for the same roller coaster ride as long as you choose to deal with this..

I would also see marital counseling for both of you or individual counseling so that you can sort this whole thing out....

Only you can decide what you want to do with this marriage.. Personally it doesnt seem like it was right from the beginning and maybe your cup has over flowed and so has your husbands and you are both done.. I have no idea but a good therapist can help with this..

I would also say go and see a good lawyer and see what your rights are.. Do all you can to protect yourself and your children.. People get crazy and mean in a divorce .......................

So where does your husband go when he leaves?? That could be his bipolar and all and his also weird behavior with the young women.. Has your husband been diagnosed or treated for this? Unless he recognizes this problem and gets help nothing is going to change forever...

Good Luck

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 9:19pm


First, advice on divorce. Be sure you get the advice of an experienced divorce attorney pronto before proceeding with serving your STBX papers. You need to know EXACTLY what your rights and responsibilities are regarding a divorce. To that end, I strongly advise you to separate your finances, close joint credit cards, and get copies of all documents: loans, insurance policies, credit cards, utility bills, your SSN card, etc. together and put in a safe place. You will need this information and you will want to protect your identity. Without question you need professional legal advice, especially with the personality you describe in your husband. It sounds like now that he's not drowning his sorrows (and his problems) in drugs, the veneer is gone and he's finally showing his true self.

That said...I'd pay very close attention to the reason your husband got fired from his job at the drug rehab center. Violating boundaries is very, very serious. If he was fired by his employer, then that employer believed he was not only acting inappropriately, he was putting that employer in legal jeopardy by his actions. In other words, they could have been sued by someone for what he was doing.

If have reason to believe, or proof, that your husband is being inappropriate toward others, especially under-aged girls or boys, please tell your divorce attorney about this and take his or her advice. If your husband is preying on minors, sexually, he could go to jail. Don't be caught in his web of lies and deceit by staying silent. If you KNOW he is stalking young people or harassing them, you need to speak up. No one else may know what's happening or what's going on.

Again, I can't emphasize enough your need to get solid legal advice and to take specific steps to protect yourself and your future. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 02-14-2013 - 11:49am

The two of you sound like a textbook addict and enabler.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I suspect he's using (whatever the drug of choice is - booze, dope, et al) once again.

When an addict goes into rehab, the rest of the family usually goes into some kind of program too.

I think you need to find the  kind of treatment option for family members/spouses of addicts.  You need to do that first.  You need to take care of yourself and get healthy.  This guy is going to manululate you for the rest of your life until you get yourself straight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:15am

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