Ready to toss DS out

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Ready to toss DS out
4
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 1:44pm

Today is the absolute last straw for my oldest DS. He is 18, and is generally a sweet kid. Since STBX moved out, however, he has been disrespectful, rude, arrogant, and hateful to me and his younger brother.

With my health issues, I know my limitations, and try to do what I am physically capable of, housework-wise. I just cannot do everything, and the kids should have responsibilities around the house REGARDLESS of my health issues. So... #2 DS (9 y/o) and I sat down and put together a responsibilities chart for the 3 of us. We'd asked #1 DS to join our pow-wow, but he refused, and stayed in his room, playing guitar and listening to Johnny Cash. What #2 DS and I came up with was pretty basic: we pick up after ourselves, I'll cook the meals, clean the bathrooms, do the laundry, plan the meals, etc., #2 DS will feed the cat, help with dishes, setting the table, #1 DS will mow lawn (which he hasn't HAD to do since our lawn is dead due to lack of rain), help with heavy laundry baskets, and take out garbage once a week. Nothing extraordinary, like the kids have to reshingle the roof, or tar the driveway-- just basic stuff to run a household.

Keep in mind #2 DS is very disorganized, and pretty sloppy. #1 DS is hyper-clean, and narrow-minded. #2 DS accidentally broke a glass ball that was hanging in the kids bathroom. I didn't find out about it until a day or two after it happened-- yesterday. #2 DS and I came home yesterday, and we'd forgotten that the ball needed to be vacuumed up, so when #1 DS came home, he mentioned it to me, and I reminded #2 DS that he had to vaccuum it up, which he did. #1 DS went in to take a shower, and I heard him SCREAMING at his brother that he did a crappy job cleaning up, and that he'd missed ONE piece behind the toilet (I'd prolly miss it too!), ans to get his ass in and clean it right. I was not going to let #1 DS get away with this, and I spoke with him and said, "DON'T be a father to him, be a brother. If you have an issue with his cleaning skills, tell ME about it. If I hear YOU critiquing his housekeeping skills, I WILL NOT enforce him cleaning up, and YOU'LL have to do it instead."

Today, I asked #1 DS if he would help me with the groceries. Pushing the carriage literally exhausts me, and I thought it would be nice to have some one on one time with him. He refused, and said he had projects planned at his dad's (working obsessively on the muscle car his dad gave to him). I said, fine, whatever. You don't help, you don't get to partake in the consumption of the food. I've decided that I will not count on him for anything (these are just a few incidents among dozens this week), and #2 DS decided WE would tackle the shopping, and would have a nice lunch out together. We get the shopping done, and #2 DS wanted to go to his dad's for a bit. I said OK, so I dropped DS off, and headed home to unload the groceries from the car. I have a storage/pantry area in the basement, so I decided to put some of that stuff away first, and just take my time-- I only had one frozen item, and I wanted to straighten out the pantry. I grabbed the windshield washer fluid, and was filling up the tank in my car, when #1 DS comes ROARING up in his car, slams out of the car, grabs a bunch of the grocery bags, making the comment, "Don't break out in a sweat, mom." I said, "What did you say?" He made some comments about laziness, etc. dumped the groceries in the house, then roared off again, screeching his tires all the way down the street as he left.

When I was finished with the pantry, I called STBX, and asked him if he'd told #1 DS to come home. He said yes, and I said that while I appreciate his intentions, if DS does NOT change his malicious, disrespectful attitude, then he will have to find other living accomodations. This is ridiculous. I'd rather do it myself and have it take 10 minutes longer than have #1 DS do it and hear his abusive language and disrespect.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 3:14pm

Hugs to you sweetie.


I don't have a teenage child, I do have kids and in my experience, when my 6 year old started to rebel once his father left us, I had to set limits and ENFORCE them.


That is the only way I got my sweet boy back. My son was a good boy before XH left, he was 4 and not sure why things were happening. My son did 4 year old things like screaming if I was on the phone, throwing a fit if I asked him to go to bed, always NEEDING my attention, talking back. THings like that. I would threaten to take things away and never actually do it.... I understand your son is older and this may not help you at all....but once I started actually following through with my "threats" he went back to the good boy he was before my husband left. Occassionally he slips up and then he gets his TV taken away for the day..... We give one warning and that's it.


I hope this helps. Again I don't have 18 year old kids, but I believe that all kids need boundaries and they need to know who is boss. enforcement of what you "preach" is a good start.


Hugs,


Angelena






Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:34pm

I talked with both DS somewhat this afternoon. #1 DS made a statement to the effect of, "Dad isn't the bad guy", to which I replied, "There's NO bad guy here, guys. I NEVER said your father was a bad guy." I think #1 DS especially sees his father as a "hero"-- he loves his father, but his father has a way of making himself look pathetic, so the kids will feel sorry for him.

At one point, #1 DS appeared on the verge of tears. He's hurting, but at the same time rejects comfort. He just sees things in terms of how much one contributes to a household in financial terms, not necesarily what it takes to run a household. He was tentatively diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome last year, which is a high functioning form of autism, where the individual is concerned more for scientific endeavors, as opposed to inter-personal relationships (in a nutshell- from what I understand). My maternal grandfather may also suffered from this-- and he was a chemical engineer with a Phd. from MIT. He considered my grandmother a raving idiot, and she was a highly trained nurse. Recently, there was an article about Asperger's in the paper, and my mom's brother read it and said, "Hey that's our father!"

I guess I'll just have to show DS financial statements, or something. I recently went through check registers and cancelled checks, and I found that most of my money from my small business goes to family expenses. This may make a difference to him, and how he views his mother's contributions to the family coffers. I just wish he had stuck it out with his counselor... Maybe I'll suggest it to him this weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 5:05am

hi and hugs. i have a 19 YO son and i have been thru my own problems with him. he is in the process of being re-diagnosed (educational and pschy evaluation) but the problems are many - he is very depressed, he is currently doing NOTHING. the two things i did insist on were therapy and meds - and i am thankful that he did agree with that. you know dr. phil talks about the 'currency' - not specifically money, but you need to find "SOMETHING" that you can use in order to negotiate with your son. for my DS that was the computer. i told him that i will dismantel the computer and lock it in my room. for now, this is the ONLY 'currency' that i have to dangle over his head.


you know, that any change is difficult. so right now, your son is going thru the divorce of his parents AND you are suddenly changing the house rules. so you need to go slowly, you need to get his input. he is at that in-between age - he is not a little kid anymore but he is not an adult. if you have physical problems and find it hard to go shopping or run errands, you may want to look into other options, for example perhaps you can buy groceries online etc. I do that sometimes when i have no time or i am too exhausted.


i do't really know what to tel you about the housework. my son has been doing chores since he was 2-3 years old. that is how he was raised so that is what he does now - i taught him to do laundry, straighten up, shop, put groceries away, he can even prepare simple meals.


i also wanted to suggest that you stop by the 'parents of teens' board here on ivillage - its a great place to get help for teens.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-psteens

Avatar for susieyippin
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:22am

I'll definitely speak with #1 DS about doing therapy again, but I don't think he'll go. He has his own laptop computer, and he's banned from the "family" computer for looking at inappropriate websites. He got busted twice doing that, so I password protected everything, and he doesn't know the password, LOL! I'll have to figure out what his currency is.

As far as chores go, STBX would always say to the boys, "Make yourself scarce, or MOm will give you chores to do." That what HE did as a kid, so he never saw a reason for the boys to do anything besides something that they wanted to do.

#2 DS's counselor suggested putting him back on his ADD med, as the psych eval showed that ADD is still an issue. Day 3 on the meds, and he's much more helpful. Yesterday was an AWESOME day for #2 DS, and I told him so. Except for getting to bed on time, but even that wasn't too bad. :-)

I'll check out that other board later on when I have some more time.

I'll be starting a mew med myself, and I've made adjustments with the meds (supplements) I'm currently taking, so I'm sure I'll be seeing some kind of improvement. At the moment, my body cannot differentiate between "good" stress and bad stress. It sees both as a threat, and kicks in the fight or flight reaction. I just need to get my levels up a bit higher, and I'll be out of that stage, which will make a big difference.

I'll keep you all posted.