Reality Sets In - Getting over Guilt

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Reality Sets In - Getting over Guilt
2
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 12:11pm

On February 3rd, I told my husband (of 15 years) that I want a divorce. We've both been unhappy for a long time, and I feel that our relationship had begun to affect our daughter (3 years old). He wasn't happy, he tried to talk me out of it, but thanks to some advice I had received previously, I stood my ground and didn't let him talk me out of it. I feel better in my heart since I've done it. He has a friend who is a lawyer, she's drawing up all the paper work for us, and then I will have my lawyer look over it.

Out of guilt I originally told him I would consider his offer of 1/2 of his IRA and he would get the equity in the house (substantial amount) etc. Not to mention I agreed that he could have most of the other stuff from the house (utility trailer, golf cart, hot tub, riding mower, etc.). After thinking about it, I told him I didn't know if I could settle for just 1/2 the IRA...he was upset. He loves our house (and 8 acres), we built it together 5 years ago, I want him to be able to keep it, but he says if I take anymore (than 1/2 the IRA) then he won't be able to afford it. I also wanted my daughter to be able to have "her" house even if she didn't live there full time. The thing is, he's never home, and he says he's going to have to work even more now to be able to keep up with the bills and taxes, so he'll be home even less. I just think that if he's never there, the she'll NEVER be there either, so what is the point. My lawyer said I need to get 1/2 the equity out of the house. I know I do, I have to be able to have a decent place for my daughter to live, I'm the one who has to look out for her wellbeing. However, I have a huge amount of guilt over me initiating the divorce and moving my daughter out of the house with him. I'm really having a hard time with this...

And more guilt...We still live in the same house, although for the last 30 days he's been out of town, only in town 3 times (once overnight). He had originally asked me if I would bring my daughter to see him (a day trip) for two different events and I had agreed. Then he arranged with his sister and his parents to take her on these outings. I have to admit, this broke my heart...I'm used to doing these kind of things with her and it made me sad to miss the experience with her.

And more guilt...Since her Dad has been gone my daughter frequently cries for him. It makes me so sad, and although I know that it is HIS choice not to see his daughter, right now I feel guilty. My heart hurts for her...For the last three years, since my husband works so much, and has not been home a lot, I always tried to make a point of us being home when he was home, that was the only way my daughter got to spend time with him. Now I'm taking that away from her too...

How long does this guilt last...its making things hard on me right now.

Sorry to have rambled on so much...

Thanks for reading and any advice,
Trace

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 12:20pm

I agree with your attorney on getting 1/2 the equity. If your STBX wants to keep the house, let him figure out how to afford it (like maybe renting out some rooms or dividing the property and selling part of it). You don't have to force him to figure this out tomorrow. You could give him a year to sell it and when it sells, you get 1/2 the equity, or if he decides to keep it, you get 1/2 the equity as appraised on xx date.

If your STBX travels for work a lot, why not let him have custody when he's home, especially if it's not that often? That would solve the problem for dd wouldn't it? The agreement shouldn't say he can have her whenever, but if he's not home much it could be worded in a way that would allow you to be flexible without giving up custody decisions to him.

As far as your dd being away from you and not sharing certain things with her now, that is hard but it is something you have to accept. The trip was to see her dad, and you aren't going to be part of that any more. What you have to hold onto is that this trip meant your dd could see her dad, and she needs that. Sometimes what is best for us is not the same as what's best for our children, and we have to suffer through to spare them pain.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 03-19-2005 - 1:17pm

I say that you should split things 1/2.... in an easy way.... and that maybe letting go of the house... and the "things" will be what it takes, after all, if he holds onto that (and he's never there anyway) it just seems like a waste and holding on to the past.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~