A realization...
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| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 9:21pm |
Okay, so it's taken me a long time to see something. STBX and I have been together for 17 years, married for nearly 14. It has taken me this long to see that he has the same BAD qualities as my father! OMG - I went to a friend's art studio the other day and he's known me since I was a teenager - he was my H.S. art teacher, anyway, I was talking to him about stbx and some of the things about him that drive me crazy and it hit me! For the first time since I realized I wanted a divorce I felt a bit sad, but not because of the divorce, but because I never in a million years thought I would choose to spend my life with someone who is remotely like my dad! Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but he was a verbally abusive tyrant when I was a kid. STBX isn't a tyrant, but he is the same kind of joyless, unhappy, can't see the good in anyone/anything, would never do something for someone else, never has anything nice to say, critical of things, no praise, no affection kind of person. I felt a bit like my world was spinning! My whole childhood I craved for love from my father, and now I've spent 17 years craving love from my spouse. There have been time he's been loving, but never for very long and usually only long enough to get me off his back about it. Sigh.. now what? I'm a bit freaked that I would do this to myself and worried that when I do start to meet men, I will go down this same crappy road. I think it's time for therapy. Hopefully I can get to the bottom of this.
Melanie

You are at the perfect point for therapy. You've had some realizations and you want to get to the bottom of all this. I can't tell you how much therapy has helped me uncover how my relationship with my father and my first failed relationship caused me to turn off all my feelings and only find men who needed me, not men who could love me or be a partner with me.
It was also helpful for me to read the book, "The Wounded Woman" (the author name is in my profile). It's about how our relationships with our fathers affect us and the relationships we have as adults.
Therapy not only helped me figure out where I have gone wrong, but also how to deal with my ex (not keep repeating the same unhealthy behaviors we exhibited in our marriage, subtle things I would never have realized on my own), and also how my relationship with my bf has some characteristics to my relationship with my mom and my past failed relationships, even though my bf is completely different (healthier) than anyone I have ever been with.
My only recommendation is go with a PhD, they have more training.
Isn't it funny how we can be so blind to some of the realities... all for "love".
Definitely.... give that therapy a shot!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
i realized i had married someone just like my dad too.
took me five years of marriage and a divorce to figure it out.
crazy, huh? we have a hard time seeing whats in front of us. i think therapy is a fantastic idea. i know it sucks but in a way its just a huge learning experience. i never thought a year ago i would be able to say that about it, but now thats how i feel.
hugs to you
:)