Really struggling

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Really struggling
19
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 8:06pm

Are there any women out there who were the ones that wanted to leave? I'm the one doing the leaving, or trying to. My husband's not a bad person, but he's made some really bad choices. Really bad. Over the last five years I've found myself falling out of love with him. We have two little girls. It took me a very long time and a lot of heartache and soul-searching (Cliche, I know) to finally make this decision. Now that I have, all I can think about is getting out of here with my girls and starting a new life. He's doing everything he can to persuade me to stay, and I don't want to hurt him worse but I am really done. Is there anyone reading this that understands? I guess I just need a cyber-shoulder to cry on. Thanks for listening.

Mannie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 9:48pm

Mannie,

I totally understand! I too left him except he still won't move out until the papers are signed! Getting me all crazy though because I was in your same boat, tired of the fighting, etc....but by him not leaving it has me remembering all the good times!

I do believe though that it is just a knee jerk reaction to what I know. Trust your gut girly, it is always right! It will be scary and lonely but you'll be fine....

email me if you want.....

Me

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:02pm

Hey there...

I was not the one to leave, but rather the one who was left... I know it is hard to hear your husband trying to save the marriage, whatever is left of it at this time, but try to understand that you are in a different part of the grieving process about the divorce than he is... you likely dealt with a lot of grief and pain in the past and have now gotten to where you are, while he is just starting that grief process with the first stage, which is denial...

It may take your stbx a while to get it... I would stick to your guns and not give him any hope... It sounds harsh, but when you're as desperate as your stbx is, you can cling to anything as a sign that this will work out... I know it is frustrating, but it is completely normal...

Sending hugs to help you get through this trying time...

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 11:26pm

Hello,

I was just looking around and had to reply. I asked for a divorce at Christmas time 1999. The divorce was final January 2001. It was aweful. He did everything to save it and when that didn't work, he did everything to make me miserable. He told my daughter then 6 way too much. He paged me every 5 minutes to see where she was. It was just aweful. 24/7 stress. I just wanted to leave. I had no intentions of fighting for amything. He didn't believe that though and that made him fight me harder.

On the other hand, he is not a bad person. He is 10 years older then me and I married him at 23 to avoid my own parents ugly divorce. He was somewhat controlling, a work a holic, alcoholic, no fun, etc. No matter what he said I couldn't stay. I have never felt sad about leaving him. BUT, I always felt guilty for hurting him so bad. That is fading also. He still works all the time. Of course it's not his choice so he says. We have 50/50 placement. Though he is often gone. She is 11 now and doing pretty well. I moved very close to him so she doesn't have to leave her neighborhood. It's funny how his house looks now like a tornado hit it, but "I never did anything to contribute" when i lived there.

The thing is that I hurt myself pretty badly during this time. i absorbed all his anger to protect my daughter. i don't regret that, but i do wish I had know that I would get through it. We work pretty well together as parents. He is fairly well adjusted. The girls doing good. We can talk with no problem. He will even talk to my new husband. Its incredible. I am SO glad I didn't stay married to him. I would have wasted my life.

It will end. You will get through it. If your not actually worried about your safty, try to let it go in one ear and out the other. Anyone can e-mail me if they have questions or want to talk. I feel somewhat of an expert. I would like to be a divorce coach someday. People don't have enpugh support out there. amy@familycomputerswi.com

Hang in there,
amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 6:19am

hugs.... its hard to give advise because i don't know what it is that yhour husband has done. i usually say, that if there is a CHANCE to "fix" things - even if there is a lot of past hurt - its worth a try. but then again, i don't know wht it is that your husband has done and what does he mean when he tries to persuade you to stay..


other than that - i was also the one to leave my marriage. altho - it was my husband and HIS issues that caused me to want to leave (i hope this makes sense!). by the time i 'left' - there was no real 'marriage' anyway. he didn't want the marriage to break up - more because he wanted to 'be married' than any great love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:33am
Hi Amy.... Welcome to the baord!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 8:25pm

Me -

Thanks so much for responding. Sometimes you feel like your yelling into a storm and no one can hear you, you know? I know he's trying really hard to be good and "Show" me how great life could be if I stayed and tried to make it work. But that scenario has happened before, and it always went back to bad. I appreciate you telling me to "go with my gut", it's what I tell myself but I really like to hear someone else say it. Thank you, really.

Mannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 8:28pm

Julie -

Thank you for responding to my post. Your cyber hugs are really great. I understand your advice, it really does make sense to me. It's a fine line to walk...not wanting to hurt his feelings and at the same time not wanting to give him any inclination that I want this to go on. By the time my girls go to bed I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. It's a strange thing, but just reading the responses to my post have given me so much relief. Thanks again.

Mannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 8:36pm

Well, I definetely understand your situation. I guess the worst guilt comes because he isn't "bad" or a "bad person". My Dad once told me when I was little that the world isn't black and white. Boy does that ever rattle around my head now. There isn't necessarily "good vs. bad" in every instance, or any really. He does good things and makes good decisions, too. It's just that the things he's done to hurt me have become like poison, and infected the parts of me that used to be able to forgive and heal. I know that rather than live this life as a martyr, I have to be strong now and believe that someday it will be better. For all of us. And this message board is really helping. Thanks again.

Mannie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 11:43am

(((hugs)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2005
Sun, 02-26-2006 - 8:51pm

I'm also a woman who requested the divorce.

After a huge blowup, following years of begging for change, my controlling, overbearing, neglectful husband finally agreed to counseling when I gave up on change and started getting myself out of the relationship.

After some intense counseling, the counselor asked us to make a determination on what we wanted to do. I realized that I could never trust him to not return to his controlling, domineering, and emotionally hurtful ways. And I wasn't going to waste even more of my life on a man who didn't want or deserve, all of me.

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