? for rebuilders with children

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
? for rebuilders with children
7
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:46pm

I posted this on another board for rebuilders but what about some of us that are divorced or are divorcing and have had an affair...can you share your opinion?

I am NOT here to judge any of you fine parents. I didn't live in your home and you haven't lived in mine. I am divorced (Aug.'05) with a 5yr DD. I have physical custody with joint custody with my X.

I wasn't perfect in my marriage but neither was he and only he and I know what really happened in our marriage. My X cheated on me and 3 montsh after I kicked him out he got this young dumb mangirl prego. However I didn't find out until Dec. when the kid was born that he finally admitted to me and AFTER he and this girl decided to introduce MY DD to her sister. Nice - huh? Which my 4yr at the time couldn't understand how did so and so have my sister when you are married mom.

But that is water under the bridge. My question is this for rebuilders...how do you or have you NOT decided to explain to your child(ren) what your spouse or you did? I will explain to my DD what her father did when she is bigger (but when is bigger). She knows her mom HATES her dad. Which she shouldn't have to know but I do. I don't tell her that but she hears me on the phone with him or me with my friends. I continously tell her that Ilove her and daddy loves her but mom and daddy just couldn't be married anymore. Why do I want to tell my DD about this why do I feel she needs to know?

In My OPINION....when you are married and you have children. The marriage is NOT about you and him anymore it is about the children. Otherwise why would it be so detrimental(?)to divorce if there are no children. It wouldn't be it if there were no children caught up in the drama. Don't we wish we could all be adult and be the nice Demi and Bruce post-divorce family? I know I wish I could but I can't not yet. Maybe not ever. I just know my MAIN concern is my DD. That is it. My wants/needs come second. I am very active with my DD. But I do NOT want my DD to ever feel that "an affair is ok. It is alright for someone to treat you this way. It is ok that if you feel the urge you can cheat on someone that loves you..."

Again I am NOT perfect and I don't fault any of you WHO choose to rebuild. I hope it works out the way you want it too. That was just NOT an option for me. But I would appreciate any opinions suggestions of why or why you WON'T tell your child about what happened?

Thank you so much for reading and possibly posting.

Proud Momma of "My Rooker"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sun, 10-30-2005 - 2:54pm
I think what happens between two adults is personal and I don't think it's an absolute that what happened needs to be shared with the kids. I mean why sabatoge the parents' relationships with the kids. Although in your choice it will become obvious to your child later on when he has a new half brother or sister. He'll figure it out for himself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 12:20pm
welcome its so nice to talk to someone who made the same mistakes in there marriage as I did. I did end up telling my daughter who is 16 only because when my stbx found out he said he was going to tell her if I didnt. I know that he was seeing someone when we were married also but still claims they were just friends and talked about their relationship problems which even made me angrier because he was telling her and not me. My daughter and I even caught him at her house one day and when we asked why he wouldnt come to the door he said because he was scared as well as he should have been. I asked him if he was going to tell our daughter that he was cheating on me since he told me i had to tell her and he still denied it saying that when he was still living at home nothing physical was going on still saying they were just good friends because she was nice to him and i wasnt funny though how as soon as he moved out he was with her all the time. I hate both of them and its been six months and I dont see that changing anytime soon. She hasnt got pregnant yet but can certainly see her doing that if only to trap him but she has 2 other sons one that lives at home and one that lives with his dad because she couldnt controll him and he was in trouble all the time. My stbx hardly ever spends time with our daughter but he knows everything about her kids and I dont think she will ever forgive him for that.When I told my daughter about my affair I told her that I was telling her only because I wanted her to hear it from me and that he was going to tell her if I didnt and she said like he wasnt doing the same thing. In your situation I agree with you and your dd will figure it out when they are older
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:38pm

This thread on another board may have some info/opinions that will help you in your decision:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-psstepparent&msg=33479.1

A child does not need to know anything about the private sex life of a husband and wife. Ideally, that is all between the two adults, and doesn't get shared with kids, or even friends and family. Aside from the bare minimum that may be necessary to explain the divorce, it isn't wise to spread intimate details around. JMO, it does no good, but will cause harm. I did tell my parents why we were divorcing. But they still need to see my Ex sometimes (in arranging stuff for our DD) and I didn't want to make him totally evil in their eyes. And most importantly, our DD still adores him!

"She knows her mom HATES her dad. Which she shouldn't have to know but I do. I don't tell her that but she hears me on the phone with him or me with my friends."

As you may already know, this is very dangerous. I know there are some special cases, like where one parent is actually dangerous. But if you don't have that situation the you must start being much more careful! Never let your 4 yo hear you venting about her father. Not only will it hurt the child (who wants and needs to love you both), but you can lose custody of your child for making this kind of mistake!

I agree with you that a lot of things are not about the wife or the husband anymore. Right now, your child's need to have a relationship with the father is more important than your desire to vent to your friends. You are interfering in your child's relationships. And if she decides she doesn't like hearing you say bad things about him, that will interfere with her love for you, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 1:46pm
I've made that very HUGE mistake by allowing my kids to hear me on the phone. That's as bad as airing our dirty laundry about our respective sex lives. I wish I had it to do over again, I'd handle it with a little more grace.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 5:26pm

Well, we didn't rebuild... we divorced.... but I will NEVER tell my children anything except what I told them from the start.... "mommy and daddy are happier with each other when we don't live in the same house".... which is totally 100% true, just not the whole truth.


In my opinion, they don't need to know anything else.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 10-31-2005 - 10:01pm

Everyone for your input.

I never have tried to make my DD understand that I hate her father. Hate is a strong word. But I guess when I found out that my DD was in the same bed with her father and this girl (before we were divorced) and her dad was making her lie to me about it. Only did I know when my DD would cry because she slipped and told me something about it. She would cry that her daddy told her not to say anything. When I asked my ex if he got this chick prego and he told me no - even my DD could see this girl was getting bigger and bigger and other people were talking to and she asked her dad if he was going to have another child and he told her NO and lied. That will be on his soulders. I totally agree that our sex lives and married secrets shouldn't be divulged when my is crying and turning to her 5yr old and saying "oh daddy is sleeping with someone he shouldn't be..." No way. My therapist did say to tell my dd that when I would cry because of everything (don't do that anymore) to let her know I was sad and why I was sad. To let my child know emotions and that it is Ok to feel this way and work through it.

I don't want to lose my child her custody or anything. Don't want to risk it. I will defintely be trying harder to watch my tongue.

Actually my DD and I will be working on a project togeether kid of like a colage(?)of pictures of her dad, her and I. I will take one step at a time she will be able to keep the pictures in her room and maybe eventually I can grow up and allow them to be out in the open. Not everywhere though. But someday.

I appreciate each and everyone's input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 7:47am

I do agree that it's OK for our kids to see our emotion (unless we're falling apart!).


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~