Recently seperated and out of control!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Recently seperated and out of control!
1
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 8:48pm

Hello all,

I have been with my significant for almost 10 years, married 3 of them. We have no children. My husband and I are recently separated ( as of last Thursday). The pain is still new and the hurt seems to deepen every day. The last several months have been rough on my husband and I. We have been fighting more often and being more distant towards each other. I thought it was a faze...something we would get over. I got pregnant this summer and miscarried. When I was pregnant we were happy and excited for the next phase of our lives. After the miscarriage, we were both stressed and taken it out on each other. We went on vacation in September and had a wonderful time. No stresses of home life or work. We came back…. same ‘ol, same ‘ol.

I was suspicious of him cheating, so I started spying (checking his e-mails, phone logs, ect.) on him. I know it was wrong, but I did not know what to do. Nevertheless, he’s been in a relationship with another woman. He swears he did not "physically" cheat on me, that it was purely emotional. He enjoyed their conversations. I believe him, but he still broke my trust. Out of anger, I reached out to this other woman via e-mail (basically telling her that any self-respecting woman would not want to bother with a married man).

Thursday he decided it would be best if we separated. He agreed to see a counselor. We had our first visit with the counselor yesterday. It was good, but he is very conflicted and does not know if he wants to stay married. The psychologist asked him point blank if he was having an affair and he said no. She asked him not talk to this other woman for the next week. She told me not to do what I did again…. He was so cold yesterday and not like his normal self.

It is so hard not to call him. I have told a couple of friends, I am not ready to disclose this to all my friends or my family.

I don’t know what to do…

Thanks for listening,
Darlene1101

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 11:26am

Hey there, Darlene. You may FEEL out of control, but your post certainly doesn't sound that way. Your feeling are normal. The beginning of a separation is SUCH a scary time. You move at the pace you need....tell only the people you absolutely have to, or feel comfortable with.

Are you in individual counseling as well? I found it to be incredibly helpful. As you'll see, you will get a little stronger with each passing day. Cry when you need to, but also allow yourself to feel good. Hang in there, it does get better.