Reconciling

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Reconciling
14
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 10:49pm
Can anyone share any information about attempts to reconcile with their spouse after separating or divorcing? I can find very little information about this (for instance when to know if you should, how to make a reconciliation be successful, etc.) so I ask anyone who has attempted this to let me know how things went. My ex (we've been separated for a year and divorced since July) desperately wants to reconcile, but I am very happily single and enjoying my new life. Even though we had a VERY rocky relationship, we still have a love and some kind of attachment, although I am not "in love" with him anymore. I'm confused. Anyone have any reconciliation experiences to share??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 4:49am

blueyedgirl2005...

Pianoguy doesn't want to 'pour verbal cold water' on your reconciliation idea, but he's slightly confused?

Why would ANYBODY who has been happy be content as a single....want to return to the miserable life she escaped in the first place? You've indicated that "you're not in love" with the man...so unless you're having financial problems and need the man's money, aren't you setting yourself up for another heartbreak?

Reconciliation is only possible (but not necessarily successful) when BOTH PARTIES sincerely want to "try again!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 5:46am

I just have to say that once someone is divorced, there was a REASON that happened & it has to be VERY hard to go back.


But with even that aside, you SAY you arent in love AND you are very happily single. Thats a no-brainer. Your FIRST responsibility is to YOURSELF & YOUR happiness. Keep it that way!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 9:56am
Thanks for both of your responses - they both make perfect sense. I am just so torn and confused right now. It's been hard to let go of a long term (12 year) relationship and my ex is relentless in his beliefs that we can work it out. I am easily drawn back in to it because I don't want to fight and I would like to be friends. WHile I am overall pretty happy, I am very sad this relationship didn't work. I'm where I never wanted to find myself - 41 and divorced (2 times now at that!!). I do get lonely at times and he's ALWAYS there, so you can imagine where that goes... I know that in a year or so after I finish up my graduate degree and have some time on my own that I'll be ready for a relationship again. Right now, I'm feeling very "selfish" and just want to make MYSELF happy for once. I've raised 2 daughters (21 & 16) and had 2 marriages (one 8 years and my 2nd one lasted 9 years). Anyway, I'm 41 and feel this is MY time in life. I want to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I admit, I'm selfish and it feels wonderful!! But I do feel that when I'm over my "selfish" period, I may be ready to give what it will take to work things out with this man. We do have a very strong connection - one of those I truly believe you are lucky to find in your life. But there was so much that went wrong in the relationship that I'm not sure if this is possible. I'm very confused. My ex says there are LOTS of people who get back with their exes - I haven't seen this, though. I don't know anyone who reconciled with an ex...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 1:02pm

you keep talking about your ex's desires and wishes. what about what YOU want. it sounds like you are considering going back out of guilt, lonliness and habit. none of these sound like a stable basis for a long term connection.

i never heard of <<>> and you know something - it totally doesn't matter. the point is - what were the reasons for the divorce in the first place, what were the 'big' reasons, and what were the smaller reasons. and have these issues been dealt with in therapy. are you and your ex wiling to work on these issues, go to therapy?

the other thing is, that it sounds like you and your ex never really separated. <<>> reading between the lines, i am assuming (and forgive me if I am wrong) that this includes sex. if you don't 'break up' with him completely, then you are not really letting go. you need to decide what it is YOU want out of life (perhaps with a therapist?)

and one more thing - you can't really 'go back'. it would mean starting over from scratch, and the question is: does he have the qualities that you are looking for in a man?

good luck




Edited 4/27/2006 1:04 pm ET by sk1960
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 04-27-2006 - 3:21pm

Hi pianoguy.

As we are on the topic of "reconciliation". What is your take on change. The whole once a cheater always a cheater. Is there truth to that or can "cheaters" really change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 5:06pm
SK (and everyone),
Although I didn't start this post, I felt like it could have been written for me. Thanks for writing good, sound advice that we already knew. We just needed some reinforcement! Why go back for more of the same? What has changed to make it work the second time around?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 8:34pm

luvred2004...

First...PG is VERY HAPPY to hear from you again.

When it comes to betraying the love, trust and confidance of a special partner...I've never completely believed the idea: "once a cheater, always a cheater!" However, if you know someone who has been cheating CONSTANTLY...in a marriage, relationship or dating situation....the odds of 'completely reforming himself' (or herself) aren't very good, are they?

Most men and women who are REALLY SINCERE about giving their marriage or relationship a 2nd try will 'work their butts off' to convince a former partner that he (or she) has "grown up" and over several months, realized how much that relationship REALLY MEANT!

I think if both partners HONESTLY want to work together while staying happy with each other...ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 10:13am
On my way to lunch w/ my husband. We have been separated for 2 mos and I have been so relieved. He really wants to reconcile. And in his defense, he is in therapy and trying to change. But I am so glad I read this before I went.
I still don't know if I want to work it out, whether or not he "really" changes. I am so glad I read the board first. Gotta be strong, and he is so skilled at manipulating me (21 years of practice).
He wants a decision SOON, and I can't do it yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 10:24am

I separated from my husband in February (not this year, many years ago).

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
Sat, 05-06-2006 - 11:15am
It is so surreal. I don't know what I want. I don't want to be 40 and divorced. I don't want to be lonely. I don't want my kids to have divorced parents. But how much controlling or manipulating can change in 2 months of therapy? He is living with friends now. That cannot go on forever. And financially, it would be hard to pay for another place to live. He is trying to avoid the financial "discomfort" and the social status hit he would take to live in an apartment again. (That may be different in different communities...but we are in Tx. suburbs where evryone owns a home.)
Maybe I should offer to get an apt for the summer?? I make WAY less $$, but I am the one asking for the changes. Right now I am in the house w/ the kids. I will NOT move without my kids, and moving them will be yet another big change. That is why we stayed and he went.
If I "try again" and fail, well then fine for me. I tried. But I can only imagine what reconciliation/separation would do to my boys. Is that worse than not trying??

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