When I first made the decision to divorce, I definitely had some moments where I questioned myself, either because I was lonely, or he or someone else was laying a guilt trip on me. But I always kept coming back to the fact that I could not trust him; he had no qualms about lying and was good at it, and I knew he would not maintain no contact with the OW. After rehashing the situation over and over, I realized that for me, divorce had become the only option - there was no way to salvage the marriage. Now, my life is so peaceful and I am so content without the constant drama that my life was with my ex. My only regret is that the relationship didn't end sooner.
I agree with Sang Froid... I regret I didn't get out sooner, when I was stronger, when I was still more me. I would have had less to re-build. My STBX is similar to Sang's... Lies, without qualms, and the whole contacting the OW thing.
I regret: 1) meeting him 2) not sticking with my first impression of him - a jerk 3) not getting out of the relationship the first time he chose not to stand up to his family for me 4) not leaving him when my family wanted me to move provinces, and he said ok, go if you have to 5) not leaving him when he almost chickened out about moving in together two days before moving date 6) not giving him the boot when I first got the icky feeling he was interested in other women more than he should have been 7) allowing him to change me 8) allowing him to control me, and give me guilt 9) allowing him to treat me poorly, accepting it 10) vying for his love and attention 11) settling for less than I was worth for TEN YEARS 12) wasting TEN YEARS 13) staying with him so long that there is now mostly no chance that I will have children 14) allowing him to get inside my head and make me feel crazy and overly suspicious when he actually was having the affair I suspected 15) taking him back after the first affair 16) putting up with him for two more years after that 17) putting up with him until his next affair, letting that be the straw that broke the horse's back... 18) allowing him to make me miserable since the separation 19) the money I will have to pay for the divorce, since he doesn't care if we stay married forever. That way he can tell his other girlfriends he can't marry them, he's married. 20) I regret that I spent the last ten minutes thinking about him
I regret all those things. But I don't regret the divorce. Sometimes I am miserable, and guilty, but then I remind myself that I don't need to be guilty, and I cannot allow him to make me miserable. Not anymore. Ten years was enough.
I read about your situation. Don't feel guilty. Your children still have a daddy, you aren't taking him away. You are simply doing the right, healthy thing. How healthy is it for your daughter to be exposed to OW in a marriage? What kind of person would she think you are when she grows up, if you allow this to happen? She would think "gee, Mom's a doormat, Dad even took me to lunch with XXX and Mom let it happen". Is that better? Of course not. It may hurt in the short term, but in the long term, it is SO MUCH HEALTHIER! You can be strong. You can do this. There is NO WAY I will ever, ever accept infidelity again. And continued contact is continued infidelity. If they work together, time for a new job.
It's really hard for me to separate out what I do regret, because if I hadn't gotten together with STBX, I wouldn't have DS. But the decision to divorce? No way. Not for a second, not once have I ever looked back. I regret certain things I've done along the way of getting the divorce, but that first step out the door was one of the best things I ever did - for me, and for DS. I just wish I had been stronger then, and not tried so hard to be "nice" and "accommodating." It's bitten me in the butt big time, and DS has paid dearly for it.
"My kids are very close with him. I am afraid they will hate me."
That one I just don't see happening. I don't know. Is this just an empty fear, or do you have some reason for thinking it? You know your children. Do they, for example, shut their minds and push the world away with their anger?
As for whether the divorce will be "best," only you know all the factors. If you are lucky enough to know this won't break you financially, if you have prospects, if neither of you starts twisting and alienating the kids... you may come out of it all just fine. Don't get hung up on what you fear, make a true list, write down what you know.
And then consider the alternative, staying where you are with the frozen smile, trying to not let the kids see how your soul is ripped by their father's bad behavior. Some can do it, maybe some feel they have to, but it's quite a price to pay.
This is all my call..He will go on like nothing is wrong for another 13 yrs. I probably would have muddled alonmg until the kids went to college. Then he had the nerve to have lunch with my daughter (who knows what happened) and the OW. Then after that, he had the nerve/stupdity to ask me how could I think he is still seeing her. Well duh. I know the kids will eventually adjust. I just fear their initial reactions. My oldest knows divorce is a possibility, but is hoping it won't happen. My youngest has no idea. He has been daddy of the year since all of this.
This is really for all of you who have regrets. When I was 18 already had a son, got married, got pregnant, and then husband went to prison (not jail, prison). I didn't even have a high school diploma. I was full of regrets. A very good friend of mine told me something that I would like to pass on to all of you. I have tried to live my life by this saying.
Never regret anything in life that you have learned from.
I love that statement. It made me realize that I was spending my time being negative about my situation instead of using what I had learned to make better choices then and in the future. I am going thru my 2nd divorce. I don't regret either. I have learned a lot from both of my ex-husband's. The main thing they have taught me is that I am a strong woman and can do anything I set my mind to. Please try to remember that knowledge is power. It's what helps not to make the same mistakes next time.
"They barely could get his attention before. The only good thing that came out of this A is the kids get more attention than ever."..... I KNOW that my EX is a far better parent, now that we're divorced, than he ever was while we were married.
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When I first made the decision to divorce, I definitely had some moments where I questioned myself, either because I was lonely, or he or someone else was laying a guilt trip on me. But I always kept coming back to the fact that I could not trust him; he had no qualms about lying and was good at it, and I knew he would not maintain no contact with the OW. After rehashing the situation over and over, I realized that for me, divorce had become the only option - there was no way to salvage the marriage. Now, my life is so peaceful and I am so content without the constant drama that my life was with my ex. My only regret is that the relationship didn't end sooner.
-sang
I agree with Sang Froid... I regret I didn't get out sooner, when I was stronger, when I was still more me. I would have had less to re-build.
My STBX is similar to Sang's... Lies, without qualms, and the whole contacting the OW thing.
I regret:
1) meeting him
2) not sticking with my first impression of him - a jerk
3) not getting out of the relationship the first time he chose not to stand up to his family for me
4) not leaving him when my family wanted me to move provinces, and he said ok, go if you have to
5) not leaving him when he almost chickened out about moving in together two days before moving date
6) not giving him the boot when I first got the icky feeling he was interested in other women more than he should have been
7) allowing him to change me
8) allowing him to control me, and give me guilt
9) allowing him to treat me poorly, accepting it
10) vying for his love and attention
11) settling for less than I was worth for TEN YEARS
12) wasting TEN YEARS
13) staying with him so long that there is now mostly no chance that I will have children
14) allowing him to get inside my head and make me feel crazy and overly suspicious when he actually was having the affair I suspected
15) taking him back after the first affair
16) putting up with him for two more years after that
17) putting up with him until his next affair, letting that be the straw that broke the horse's back...
18) allowing him to make me miserable since the separation
19) the money I will have to pay for the divorce, since he doesn't care if we stay married forever. That way he can tell his other girlfriends he can't marry them, he's married.
20) I regret that I spent the last ten minutes thinking about him
I regret all those things. But I don't regret the divorce. Sometimes I am miserable, and guilty, but then I remind myself that I don't need to be guilty, and I cannot allow him to make me miserable. Not anymore. Ten years was enough.
I read about your situation. Don't feel guilty. Your children still have a daddy, you aren't taking him away. You are simply doing the right, healthy thing. How healthy is it for your daughter to be exposed to OW in a marriage? What kind of person would she think you are when she grows up, if you allow this to happen? She would think "gee, Mom's a doormat, Dad even took me to lunch with XXX and Mom let it happen". Is that better? Of course not. It may hurt in the short term, but in the long term, it is SO MUCH HEALTHIER! You can be strong. You can do this. There is NO WAY I will ever, ever accept infidelity again. And continued contact is continued infidelity. If they work together, time for a new job.
It's really hard for me to separate out what I do regret, because if I hadn't gotten together with STBX, I wouldn't have DS. But the decision to divorce? No way. Not for a second, not once have I ever looked back. I regret certain things I've done along the way of getting the divorce, but that first step out the door was one of the best things I ever did - for me, and for DS. I just wish I had been stronger then, and not tried so hard to be "nice" and "accommodating." It's bitten me in the butt big time, and DS has paid dearly for it.
- HisMija
"My kids are very close with him. I am afraid they will hate me."
That one I just don't see happening. I don't know. Is this just an empty fear, or do you have some reason for thinking it? You know your children. Do they, for example, shut their minds and push the world away with their anger?
As for whether the divorce will be "best," only you know all the factors. If you are lucky enough to know this won't break you financially, if you have prospects, if neither of you starts twisting and alienating the kids... you may come out of it all just fine. Don't get hung up on what you fear, make a true list, write down what you know.
And then consider the alternative, staying where you are with the frozen smile, trying to not let the kids see how your soul is ripped by their father's bad behavior. Some can do it, maybe some feel they have to, but it's quite a price to pay.
Then he had the nerve to have lunch with my daughter (who knows what happened) and the OW. Then after that, he had the nerve/stupdity to ask me how could I think he is still seeing her. Well duh.
I know the kids will eventually adjust. I just fear their initial reactions. My oldest knows divorce is a possibility, but is hoping it won't happen. My youngest has no idea.
He has been daddy of the year since all of this.
This is really for all of you who have regrets. When I was 18 already had a son, got married, got pregnant, and then husband went to prison (not jail, prison). I didn't even have a high school diploma. I was full of regrets. A very good friend of mine told me something that I would like to pass on to all of you. I have tried to live my life by this saying.
Never regret anything in life that you have learned from.
I love that statement. It made me realize that I was spending my time being negative about my situation instead of using what I had learned to make better choices then and in the future. I am going thru my 2nd divorce. I don't regret either. I have learned a lot from both of my ex-husband's. The main thing they have taught me is that I am a strong woman and can do anything I set my mind to. Please try to remember that knowledge is power. It's what helps not to make the same mistakes next time.
Hope you all like this statement as much as I do.
"They barely could get his attention before. The only good thing that came out of this A is the kids get more attention than ever."..... I KNOW that my EX is a far better parent, now that we're divorced, than he ever was while we were married.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
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