Relationship ended due to undiagnosed de
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| Wed, 09-06-2006 - 1:14pm |
Maybe someone can offer some advice here to help me get through this.
My fiance broke up with my around the second week of July. We had been together for three years and living together for two of those years. The first year was great, but then we moved across state and things went downhill. We ended up moving 5 times in two years. I was sick for two months. We lost all of our savings and had a rough time with employment.
During this time I would sometimes get down and depressed. I would be negative or cry or get angry. It would happen for a matter of hours or maybe a few days of me being sad. My fiance begged and pleaded with me to be more positive and hopeful. It was hurting him to the point that he cried. He said it was devastating to him when I would get so upset and that it would push him away from me.
We finally moved to Chicago when he got a good job that he enjoyed. He thought everything would be better, but I actually got worse. I became more angry and frustrated and started spiriling into more episodes of anger, hopelessness and sadness. I would cry over things that other people would never give a second thought to. Our sex life was sporadic, but I was trying so hard to be be better at it. I was deeply attracted to him, but my moods were so despairing that it would cause me to lose interest in anything.
Finally he said that he couldn't take it anymore. He said he missed having sex and intimacy with me and my hopelessness was destroying him. When my moods started getting bad, he would counsel me which was probably a bad decision, but his education is in psychology so I guess he thought he could help. He kept telling me to be more positive and to make friends and do things for myself that made me feel better. We once discussed if I had depression, but then that just sort of went nowhere after I expressed I was afraid of medication.
When he first broke up with me I said I would change and we got back together for 5 days. We had great sex several times and I kept my moods in check. I thought everything would be ok.
Then he came home on day 5 and said that it was over because he had feelings for someone at work. I cried uncontrollably and begged him to go to counseling with me. He said he would go, but that it wouldn't give me the results I wanted.
During counseling I was told I had depression, but I didn't give much weight to it at the time. The counselor asked that neither of us make any decisions on moving out until we had 6 weeks of therapy. He said he would only go to 4, but after week two he had started looking for a new apartment.
During therapy he said that he thought less and less about his co-worker and didn't think he would be with her. He still insisted he should move out because he needed to be on his own for a while to deal with things. We agreed we would talk for a month and then meet before making a final decision on our relationship.
One week after he moved out he ended our relationship and said that he was thinking about his co-worker again. He said that he lost all romantic feelings for me and that he couldn't get those back. He also said he couldn't walk back into this apartment and this life even although I was going to counseling and working on changing. He said my behavior had wounded him too much.
I keep feeling a sense of blame that I didn't see my depression sooner. I could have fixed my problem long ago with medicatin and counseling if I knew I had depression. I've never wanted to hurt anyone and I didn't want to loose my relationship. I've lost 15 pounds during this time and weigh less than 100 pounds now. I'm still going to counseling and I'm going to see a psychiatrist at the clinic to get an evaluation for medication.
I have never grieved like this in my adult life before. I cannot begin to describe the pain and sense of loss that I feel. The uncontrollable crying, loss of sleep, loss of appetite, vomiting, and sadness are so unbearable.
I can't help but feel like I screwed this up so badly. I know we will never be together again and it hurts so much. I feel so lost and I cannot stop blaming myself for not getting help sooner. This terrible depression pushed him away from me. He would have never developed feelings for someone else if he hadn't lost feelings for me.
I don't know what anyone on this message board can do. I just feel like I'm hanging on for dear life at the moment and need any words of wisdom to get me through this.
Thank you for listening.

First of all, hugs to you. I'm very sorry you're going through this and grieving like you are. Also, I'm very glad to hear that you're still in therapy and also that you're considering medication for your depression. The right medication really can help lift you out of the fog.
Please don't blame yourself for not recognizing it. It is sometimes very difficult to recognize that disease, especially in yourself. You endured a huge amount of stress in a short period of time with the moves, financial troubles, and job troubles, and falling into depression would not be uncommon for anyone in that situation.
I guess I don't really have any words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to say hang in there. Continue getting the help you need, and take care of yourelf.
Laura
Hi there!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~