relationship with ex after divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
relationship with ex after divorce
21
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:03am
Do any of you have a better relationship with your ex now that you are divorced? My husband keeps saying things like "Even though we are divorced, we can still hang out together" or "we still need to be there for each other emotionally". He also frequently brings up the fact that many couples, after several years of divorce, actually get back together again! Is it possible to be best friends after your marriage has failed? I keep thinking that if we wanted those things we should still be married! People GET MARRIED to have someone to lean on, to spend time with,etc - they don't get divorced to get those things with the same person!
This is all so confusing!
Another question - did anyone agree to divorce only because their spouse wanted it - not you? My husband suffers from low self esteem and depression and I realy feel that this is just one more thing in a long list of things that he tries to make himself happy. The new truck didn't do it, the new job didn't do it so now maybe a divorce will make him happy.
(because I can't). I'm worried that I'm going to be divorced but still married to the man!
Any insight or suggestions?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2003
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 11:37am

Not really sure how others feel, but I will reserve any best friend titles for people I ACTUALLY like. I have a decent relationship with ex after 5 years but its for the kids sake. I would not even speak to him if there weren't children involved. Too much passed between us during the divorce, making me feel like I saw the real person when the chips were down and I was seriously not impressed!

I do have friends who are divorced who say that they have a better "relationship" with their ex since their divorce since there is no emotional attachment left but I don't think I have any friends who still "hang out" so to speak. Might be our age group though (30's-40's). HTH!

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 1:43pm

It's better than it was the last two years of marriage. We talk more now. He actually helps more with the boys and is more considerate of my time. We are there for one another emotionally. When OW dumped him, he came to me. He is so hurt. We were always best friends. He is my rock. If he would come home I would accept him.
I did not want a divorce. I only agreed to it because I couldn't afford to fight it and my lawyer said no matter what he would get it so I might as well take care of me.

I truely feel I am still married. We just don't live in the same house.

Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2004
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 7:24pm

Well, here is my two cents. The first and third posters: BE CAREFUL. It sounds like you could both be hurt very easily all over again. These men are not being considerate of your feelings. Both of them sound very selfish; their actions are entirely self-serving. You're divorced!!! There's a reason for that. Mebrenda, you're not married to him. He was hurt by another woman! He should NOT be your rock. Find a friend, a parent -- anyone other than your ex.

My ex and I are civilized because we have two sons. I would have nothing to do with him otherwise. I was treated very poorly by him, probably "emotional abuse" over the last 6 months to 1 yr of our 13 year marriage. It was horrible. We split and six months later -- one day after the divorce was final -- I received an email telling me there was someone else, that she was moving in with him, and that he wanted the kids to meet her. So, how devious was that? Waiting until the divorce was final. Made sure his family didn't say a word. I was so hurt by his family knowing -- everyone knew, all the friends we had -- but me. We went through a mediator; had I known he was cheating, I would have gotten an attorney. Anyway, for the kids I am civilized. This was l 1/2 yrs ago and I am finally done with the anger and realize that I am not a sucker if I interact with him. I have to.

Anyway, back to you. Be careful. You've been through a lot of heartache. Don't put yourselves back through it again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 12:23am
I have no one. My family abandon me in my time of need. Without him I am all alone in this world and that is more than I can handle. He is my only friend.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 07-04-2006 - 1:28am
Wow, what a sad statement you made, that he is the only person you have. I'm very sorry to hear that. I do hope though that you do find other people to lean on, to be friends with so that he isn't your one & only support.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:01am
Brenda- I am in the same boat! I moved to MN from AZ less than two years ago to marry my just recent (2 weeks) ex. I left everyone - my friends, family - and a great job! I did not know anybody in MN except for my ex's family. Well - less than one year into my marriage, he wanted out. Said that he was not ready for marriage. I have not met anyone yet since I was busy being the wife! Therefore, I have no one as well! He was my rock as well, but not anymore! He turned into a complete jerk! Abandoned me! Both of us need to meet new people.....don't lean on the ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:33am
Hi! I went through this same thing for a year after my XH and I seperated. I will tell you in my case anyway, even though I still had feelings for him and still felt loyalties towards him. I realized eventually I divorced him for a reason and no matter how much time we spent together or even if it was good, those reasons still existed. So essentially I wasted a year of my life after I had to make the hard choice to make him leave in the first place. If you are divorced and still spending time together like you are married or a couple, you are wasting time. Time that could be spent on figuring out what the next great thing is in your life. It's scary, but when u truly let go of the past and move on, great things come.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:46pm
Yeah, we still talked a lot and e-mailed, decent amount of communication overall - until he got a girlfriend (and I'm still single). Now I'm done talking; it just feels too awkward for me. Love fzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 3:29pm

This is going to sound harsh so beware,, to me the man I married is dead and someone who looks like him and sounds like him is around but its not the man I married..the man I married would of never put me thru the he** he has put me thru for over 2years.


My stbx moved out of the house in Jan of 2005,,he picked the anniv of my dads death as the day he left,,nice guy dont you think. I have not spoken to him since,,do not intend on ever speaking to him for the rest of my life.


We dont have kids so I dont have any reason what so ever to communicate with this pri*K again.


my only hope is this man gets whats he deserves,,LOL ,,I did tell him that one time when he was still living in the hous,,that I hope in the end that he gets just what he deserves..


Oh did i mention he continued to live in the house all of 2004 but never spoke to me? yes what a gem


"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." ...Helen Keller


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 5:04pm

Oh my God! I am going through exactly the same thing! My wife and I are divorcing and she is getting her own apartment all of a mile away from our house (which will be sold in a few months anyway). She still wants to be close to me and date, and "work" on the relationship. She has been depressed about a job change for months and has low self-esteem as well, and I will admit I didn't help the situation with some of my words. I would like to remain close at this point, but I'm wondering if we'd be better friends and lovers than spouses, or if this is just her support during this time. I'm dying to know how yours is working out though, because I'm completely confused about it.

I have also heard stories about people that get along better after a divorce, but few and far between. You usually get divorced for a good reason, and those problems don't go away on their own. I'm hoping that things will work out well for both of us (i.e. she sees she's making a huge mistake ;-)), but I can only assume that I am single again.

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