relationship with ex after divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2004
relationship with ex after divorce
21
Mon, 07-03-2006 - 8:03am
Do any of you have a better relationship with your ex now that you are divorced? My husband keeps saying things like "Even though we are divorced, we can still hang out together" or "we still need to be there for each other emotionally". He also frequently brings up the fact that many couples, after several years of divorce, actually get back together again! Is it possible to be best friends after your marriage has failed? I keep thinking that if we wanted those things we should still be married! People GET MARRIED to have someone to lean on, to spend time with,etc - they don't get divorced to get those things with the same person!
This is all so confusing!
Another question - did anyone agree to divorce only because their spouse wanted it - not you? My husband suffers from low self esteem and depression and I realy feel that this is just one more thing in a long list of things that he tries to make himself happy. The new truck didn't do it, the new job didn't do it so now maybe a divorce will make him happy.
(because I can't). I'm worried that I'm going to be divorced but still married to the man!
Any insight or suggestions?
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Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:13pm

Brenda,

This is coming from a woman who hasn't even dated in almost 9 yrs. Your statement about him being your only friend is scary. You need to become your own friend, you have to like yourself before you will find that balance to get on with your life.

I've been alone for 16 yrs, in the beginning I was lonley then found the strength to like myself. I'm going to be 40 in about a month, I have a 15 yr old who has never seen or talked to his BF, and he has Autism. I've found that I am stronger than I ever imagined I could be.

You need to come to terms with your EX, yes you can relate when it comes to the kids, but you need to find yourself. I probably would have taken my ex back for a lot of those years if it hadn't been for the fact that he tried to kill his unborn child by beating the crud out of me.

Jer-take what you can use, leave the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 5:42pm

So, in reality, how many people actually feel they made a mistake and get back with their ex several years later?

My ex and I have just started dating in the last two weeks. (I left over 1-1/2 years ago, and the divorce was final 3 months ago). I was pretty horrible in the marriage... actually we both were. He's agreed to go to joint counseling, which didn't work a number of years ago, but this time find someone who has a lot of experience in dealing with relationships (instead of the local therapist that's covered by insurance).

Thanks,
Eil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 6:29pm
Eil, I wish you the best of luck. I will pray for you both. I can only hope that someday my ex comes home. I love him more than anything. Good for you trying to put your family back together. You give me hope! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 11:13pm

Wow... that sounds hopeful Eil!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:19am

Thank you, Brenda.

We could use all the prayers we can get. I'll also keep you in mine.

Eil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 10:28am

Thank you, Karen.

I guess I wanted to know if I was out of my mind for even thinking of trying again with my ex. There's a lot of baggage between us, including some emotional abuse, but I think we actually have a chance at getting past the crap to build a strong, stable home for our son (who is 8). If it doesn't work out that we can have a home together, I think we'll most certainly be better prepared to offer two strong, stable homes for our son, while maintaining a good relationship as co-parents.

Our experiences with therapists that are covered by insurance haven't been the greatest... I've just read a book "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. My ex is reading it now, and if he thinks it makes sense, we may look for someone we both feel comfortable with who is trained in Imago Relationship Therapy.

Eil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 11:51am

"Do any of you have a better relationship with your ex now that you are divorced?"

After five years, yes.

"Did anyone agree to divorce only because their spouse wanted it - not you? "

Not sure how to answer this one. My ex wife started demanding a divorce the day after we got married. And she continued to threaten me with divorce for the 11 years we were married. I finally had enough, left the house, and filed. She claimed to mutual friends that she did not want a divorce, but she never said that to me.

"He also frequently brings up the fact that many couples, after several years of divorce, actually get back together again! Is it possible to be best friends after your marriage has failed? "

My take on this -- if this is really the case, why did you get divorced in the first place? Clearly, these couples did not work hard enough on their marriage.

Also, what changed that would compel someone to re-try marriage with an ex. Both are probably the same person, so the same old issues will certainly resurface.

In my case, my ex accused me of sexually abusing my son and physically abusing my step daughters. Her accusations were baseless and false. However, in Columbus OH family court, unsubstantiated accusasations about men carry the same weight as a conviction, so she was able to gain very lucrative orders and settlement, and without repercussions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:44pm
Eil, I have read a couple of good books lately that may help you. Look for: Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson and 5 languages of love by Gary Chapman.
Thanks for the prayers I definitely need them.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:17pm

I think that you sound very wise ;-)


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:47pm

I don't have any relationship with my ex; I see his mom sometimes and we get along fine.

The divorce was his idea from beginning to end; I agreed only because it was clear that he just wanted out (and I still don't know why), he never was willing to work on our marriage.

The divorce was final Nov. 4, 2005. I haven't talked to him on the phone since March; I haven't talked to him in person since January. I don't miss him at all. The man I knew doesn't exist any more.

And we have no kids so I don't ever have to see him again if I don't want to -- and I can't imagine wanting to, LOL!!!!