Relationships with kids after Divorce...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Relationships with kids after Divorce...
8
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 11:15am

Hi all -

Just wondering if there are any other mom's here who have any young daughters who have any experiences/advice to share. My daughter is 7 and we have what I would consider a good, but at times difficult relationship. When she is with me, she's usually always by my side, but I feel she can be pretty closed off and distant at times.

Maybe some of it has to do with that I expect too much? My daughter and I are very similar but also very different in some ways. When I was young, I grew up with only my mother and my father wasn't around. So I guess I had an extreme loyalty to my mother where as my daughter has a very active father & now new step-mother in hers. She has a twin brother and both of them has always seemed to have a preference for their dad even though I have spent just as much time etc. raising them?

So while I know of course my kids love me and I'm important in their lives, I'm not always feeling it. For example, my ex tells me how our son always has to kiss him before bedtime etc. While I just have to steal whatever I can get. My daughter is a little more loving towards me at times, but she often will give the cold shoulder as well. Another example - I meet the step-mom to exchange the kids yesterday and my daughter didn't want to give me a kiss good-bye...how lovely is that?

I mean, I'm their mother - and I know logically what I mean to them and their lives, even though I'm not able to be there with them as much as I'd like, but their behavior is a little discouraging and I wonder what all of this means as far as closeness with them and my relationships with them as they get older?

I mean, I'd like to think I'm a pretty cool, loving but at times can be a little harsh mom - and none of that's gonna change. I also have an older son by a previous relationship who we have an extremly tight bond - but I do realize we had more one on one time when he was little - so there is the "twin" factor. But...for whatever reason (I'm sure some of it may lie on their dad's end, even tho he's never outwardly bashed me) my relationships with them just seem more difficult. So I'm just trying to get some perspective around it so that I can handle it a little better and not be so emotionally drained from it in the future.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:33pm

My daughter was 9 when I left

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:47pm

Thanks for sharing that. Pretty much all I needed to hear - from someone who is in my shoes!

:smileyfrustrated:

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 12:50pm

Boys are so much easier than girls!!! My SO says the two best things he ever heard was, "its a boy" and "its a boy". I like to tell him he isnlt man enough to handle a daughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 7:51pm

I agree with deedle, the parent that is the enforcer get a little less outward affection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Mon, 02-27-2012 - 10:25pm

Yes, I've learned this as well. Originally I was fine with just boys, but after finding out I was having twins, and I already had an older son, I thought I would die if I had 3 boys, lol. I mean they do tend to have more energy etc. So when I found out one would be a girl, I thought it was perfect. It's definitely a catch 22. I get to be reminded more of myself and do girly things w/her etc., but my boys definitely seem to be more loyal even if I guess they give me a harder times in some other ways. My oldest has been my savior - he's got a great personality and we are a lot alike. He tests his boundaries like any teenager, but he's a great kid. I think I'm partial to older kids tho - lol. I guess only time will tell as far as my daughter getting older and what our relationship is going to be like...having kids is definitely like a box of chocolates!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Tue, 02-28-2012 - 9:08am

And don't forget the hormone changes with girls, way more extreme than with boys. Mornings with my two are always eventful!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2011
Fri, 03-02-2012 - 3:38pm
Sorry to hear you going thru this. My girls 11 and 8 told me once that they "pretend" to be super nice and happy when they spend time with their Dad because they don't want him to feel bad. But they always tell me they would rather be with me and are always so happy when I pick them up. I am sure with your daughter she is just confused, and maybe her Dad tries too hard and goes overboard so she is young and gravitates to that more. In the end though, you are her Mom and she will definitely appreciate you later. :-)
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 6:22pm

Long time no see, Laurel!

Serenity