Releasing the bitterness..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Releasing the bitterness..........
4
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:22am

Hi all...

I am firmly convinced that feelings of bitterness, anger and regret are destructive to me, yet I still at times become overwhelmed with these feelings. I try to divert my thoughts and get physically and mentally busy to distract myself.

I wanted the divorce, it's been more than two years, although the custody battle still rages. He remarried right away. I am definitely glad I'm single now and enjoying the freedom. Yet I still get depressed and regretful and angry over certain situations. I do periodically go to a great therapist I like, but my budget is so tight these days--it's quite expensive. I'm wrecked financially due to legal fees. I also read all I can get my hands on about overcoming abuse, etc. I've gotten involved into some personally fulfilling activities.

My ex is also still behaving very badly, insulting me, violating several provisions of the custody order, so we're still in huge conflict. I hope that once we get through the custody trial, he will eventually settle down. He is still so caught up in trying to get full custody and complete his revenge that he goes out of his way to "dig" at me at every turn.

I'm just so tired of these negative emotions, I yearn for some peace of mind. I know that hate and resentment are like me drinking poison and expecting him to die. It makes no logical sense at all--and certainly is unhealthy for ME. I even get frustrated with myself for not being able to "just get over it, already".

I guess my question is, what other things have ya'll done to heal, to overcome the regretful, angry, jealous, and bitter emotions caused by the damage of an abusive relationship?

Thanks for reading and responding; I feel lighter just typing this out.

Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 10:58am

I wrote a letter. Actually I am still writing it. It started off as a letter to my daughter (she is just a baby and doesn't realize we are divorced). I wrote about the things I loved about her father when we were married. I wrote about why I divorced him. I wrote about what I wanted for her. It is a healing process to me.

I sympathize with your court ordeal and the fact you were in an abusive relationship. I was abused too and I am going back to court again too. It is hard to release bitterness when your are still in the midst of the fight.

Try to find time for you. Time to do the things you enjoy. You need to escape every so often from the craziness. Even if it is just a hot bubble bath, or a long drive in the car with your favorite song playing. You might find that the short break refreshes you and prepares you for the next moment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 11:03am

Cupcake-

As I was just saying in my post to luvred, journalling has really helped me get through some of my feelings. Until I started journalling I didn't understand what was behind my feelings of sadness, bitternesss, anger, etc. Until you understand what's really causing you to feel a certain way, it's difficult to get past the feelings. But once you get an understanding of what the root of the feeling is, you can confront it and move past it. I also did a lot of web research on abuse and visited the ivillage abuse boards to help me understand abusive relationships and just how dysfunctional my relationship was, why he acted in a certain way, why I let him treat me that way, and how to change myself so I could be proud of who I've become and be less likely to choose that type of man again. It hasn't been easy, and with abusive relationships it often takes longer to 'get over it' than with a breakup of a 'regular' relationship, so don't feel like you're doing something wrong. You may just need to give yourself some more time to heal. I've been out of my marriage almost three years. It's only been in the last year or so that I've been in a good place emotionally (with only the odd little lapse related to my ex) and I'm just now starting to think I might like to consider dating.

-sang

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 1:13pm

I agree with the journaling idea. I think all of us go through this once in awhile. The idea is to make it happen less and less. There are some great online sites that you can blog with. I have a couple of free ones that I use, it helps a lot.


I still get angry, some things still really tick me off, but now instead of lashing out or holding it in I blog. It helps me get it out and it helps me by having something to go back to. Sometimes I got WHAT was I thinking? that was stupid to get mad over....lol.


Hugs to you and know that your not alone :)


Angelena


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 06-21-2005 - 6:06pm

My husband was verbally and emotionally abusive and still is almost 2 years after I left him. There are some days when I can just blow him off, and there are other days where what he says or does really gets to me.

One thing that I try to do, although it can be hard, is to realize that there are some things that I can't control... like him and his behavior. All I can do is be the best person that I can be (I know it's corny) and do the best at whatever I'm doing at the time. So when I'm at work, instead of obsessing over some email he sent, I just think I need to finish this project or that report, so I have to concentrate on it instead of him. If I'm with my kids, I think that I need to make the best of the time I have with them, so instead of worrying about something he said, I'm going to enjoy our time at the park or whatever we're doing.

It doesn't always work but it's helped.

It's hard to reason with someone who has an abusive personality. It doesn't matter if you reach out to him, back off, or defend myself. They're still going to be abusive to you, because it makes them feel better about themselves. Realizing this makes it easier for me to deal with him.

I hope things get better for you.