The remains of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
The remains of me
5
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 10:27am

New and I am getting divorced--currently separated. There I said it. My husband of 22 yrs whom I still love and consider my best friend--these days sometimes, was diagnosed with a personality disorder several years ago. At first the diagnoses was like a so-that‘s-why light bulb coming on and a relief. But the last couple of years have become unbearable. He is more often than not a stranger to myself and the kids and it’s heartbreaking to see him this way. Last Friday was our 22nd wedding anniversary and we both mourned it instead of celebrating it, there were no flowers or wine and song or gifts exchanged because we both knew we couldn’t go on anymore the way we were. We ate a quiet dinner and began the process of who gets what and who lives where at my initiation of the discussion. And it is not that we do not love each other, it is just that his condition is such that I have become his sounding block and on three occasion in the last year even his punching bag. His condition warrants loss time and memory losses when he is in a alter state of mind, the longest loss was 17 ½ mths--yeah that’s when we knew we had a really big problem-- so when he does these horrible things he does not even remember them. So there is no sympathy and no compassion, only empty ‘I’m sorrys’.

And I can not do it anymore. The trust is gone. And I feel bad. Like I failed him. The last couple of yrs I have really tried to sustain myself with the promise of my vows, u know , for better, for worse, for richer, for pooer, and in sickness and health. I desperately wanted to help him, to be there for him but I just can not subject myself and the kids to this anymore. And I mourn the loss of him. What he once was. More than just my husband, he was my best friend and confidant. We built a rags to riches life together. And all that remains now is the shatter dreams of what we both work so hard to build. I now sit in a huge house in the country--my mansion on the hill that he surprised me with one Christmas eve. That was the year I asked for a bicycle--and he gave me a house in the country so I could raise horses and write from a loft office with a view from 35’ windows of the infinity of the heavens -- he said then I would learn to dream here. And I believed him.

So now here I am--at the end and wondering about the beginning--if there is one, and where do I begin from here? I went from my parents household to my husbands so to speak. We were high school sweethearts--I’ve never loved anyone else. I am 41 years old and I guess I have my own blessings, I am at least for now financially stable-- have two beautiful kids, a 20 yrs old son--who is a bit of a handful right now--he’s in a not sure what I want to be when I grow up stage--if I want to grow up--and he is also old enough to remember what his father was once like so as not to want to even try to connect with this stranger he has become. My daughter, she 13, and so much like her father once was, serious and dedicated, yet young and innocent enough to overlook the changes in her daddy. Detached enough too by the on and off distance of the last several years that his condition caused so as to no longer show the heartbreak she feels when her daddy forgets about her.

I think sometimes oh, how much easier if we could just shout up at the moon that we do not love each other anymore. And I really believe we do--love each other, but it’s not the same and we just can not seem to live together anymore. And I do not know why the idea of us not living together is so dang traumatic for me. I have been living more often alone than together with my husband for years owing first to our businesses--and then his condition that kept him so often away from home. I have been raising the kids alone too to my mind for the last several years. Yesterday, I miss placed my keys and why oh why did I lose it? ( You know the forgetfulness of stress) It occurred to me then, if I do not find them, who do I call for help. I do not have a husband anymore. ( and really! even if things were different it's not like he would have ever come to help me find them) And I guess I kind of freaked out. My screams echoed pretty good in a 35’ foot ceiling room. I really have lost connection with the rest of the world at large. My parents are dead, both dying young in the last decade of my marriage, and the last couple of years I have lost connection with my own dreams and career and with what friends I had owing to my having to oversee the business of our life and kids and businesses when my husband could not handle it. I’m alone.

I have my up and down days. I find I am still hurt--and yes, there are days that is a understatement to be sure , but I am no longer angry, but mad. Now mad for me is a good thing. I can channel mad into constructive things, in the case of anger well I am sure others may understand, not a good thing--you say and do things that you inevitable end up regretting later. I like mad. I can work with mad. Gives me a bit of backbone. Allows me to stand up for myself and say no and mean it. I am a work in progress I guess you could say, just like the rest of my life. It is a pretty shocking thing to come to the realization that the fairy tale is just make believe, that forever afters, at least for me, really do not exist. And I guess I bought into my own former profession that of a writer and believed in the fairy tales of happy ever after.

Looking forward to getting to know others in my position-place. Sad place to be I know, but it is nonetheless a great comfort to know I am really not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 11:16am

I do wonder is there such a thing as a friendly divorce?

My 2 older brothers tell me there is no such thing. Yet I desperately want to end my 22 yrs of marriage on friendly terms. However I am also going the route of tough love given his condition--and alter state of mind--that can become violent at times. I want to do my part, but I also want to get out with my part for the sake of the kids. And in truth, I am honestly no longer sure if my husband and or his alter state of mind that more often than not has control of him does not want to hold me in this marriage as a means to control me and or my part of several successful businesses that we have built together. I want to be bought out. Is this a unreasonable request? In the last few years my portion of has become his and or his altered stare of mind’s personal piggy bank, and supported his habit of buying fast sports car and cycles and so rumors now surfacing have it, women, and I want it in the settlement so that I can set it aside for the kids future, given his erratic and unstable condition and behavior.

Yes, I have consulted a lawyer--actually retained two--one out of town since my one day ex is considered a successful pillar of the community at the advice of my newly acquired therapist who gave me the courage as he said to walk out. They--the lawyers and my therapist--who has been a God send-- are privy to his condition and evidence of that I have gathered from doctors and records over the last several yrs, but the rest of the world--employees, friends and family do not know--it was our darkest secret. And one that I have carried all alone, save unfortunately for the kids who have been expose to it--for several years. Yes, this is my trump card--and yes, in a effort to convince him I am serious and will not be hurt anymore by him, he is aware that I will use it if I have to. I feel horrible for this--but I also feel I had no other choice. To my mind I have been held hostage it seems to me for years to his condition--and it is not that I want to hold him hostage but I do want out.

And I guess I am really hurt because he doesn’t seem to mind the divorce so much as he minds the fact that I want to cut all ties with him and settle up--the dollar and sense of it all, u know. I do not want to be on his leash any more. I know my rights and am in fact for the sake of a friendly divorce asking for less than. I just want out--but I am not a fool, I am not walking away after 22 yrs and working my own A%$ off with nothing--or mores the point with what he wants to give me. I am willing to wait too. To give him time to buy me out but I also want to begin the business of rebuilding my own life without him in it other than limited visitations with our daughter. I say limited because I am very concerned by his unstable condition--yes, something else I am holding over his head, given his condition I plan to seek full custody --now if he wants to go public with his condition and or get an evaluation so I have the reassurance he is of sound mind then we can talk shared custody. He is as of this spring no longer seeking treatment for either-- and as such I am unwilling to allow him at this time to take her out of town until he returns to treatment for his condition and is more stable again. Yes, I feel a cad and a horrible person to use this “kryptonite” against him but it has been my love for him that he has used against me to keep me in this too often one emotionally sided relationship. And I know this is not entirely his fault--like a diabetic--he has a condition. But it is his fault when he refuses to seek treatment for it and leave myself and the kids at the mercy of the remains of him when he is otherwise ’out to lunch’.

Just in the last week--and how horrible am I that I do not to feel bad, he has been picked up twice for DWI. Once in town-- everyone knows about the first one as he was leaving a company picnic we hosted--I did not attend. I am the only one privy to the second one--sides the out of town authorities--cause guess who he called? Warned him that latest vette of his was gonna get him. Course he blamed me, cause I want out of the marriage--cause as I told him I need time and space to heal--to remove myself from the matter of my heart so that I could find myself again.

I want to make my own decisions and choices without him dictating to me what I can or can not do. A novel experience this way. I did not realize just how much he had kept me under his thumb until I actually found the courage to, as I told him, succeed from the nation of our marriage and declare my own independence.

I do cry. It is the what might have beens and what I thought it would be that just kills me. It is a scary prospect looking from today to the rest of my life. Yet a part of me too is exhilarated--is that strange? I mean to declare my own independence, to no longer live in his shadow or the shadow of his problem--true I can not as yet see the sun but there are days when I do actually imagine I can feel the warmth of. I do love him. And I do think I am getting better, cause I do not worry about him 24/7 anymore. This was attune to sleepless nights and anxiety attacks that have taken a toll on my own health and is what had me seeking the advice of a T who advice me to seek the advice of lawyer/s.

And it is not like this is a surprise--well to everyone else who thought we had a great marriage, but not to myself and the kids, we’d been losing him a little day by day, specifically for the last couple of yrs.

And I can not imagine at this time ever loving another, much less marrying again. And I do want to remain his friend as long as he can treat me as a equal and with respect that his alter ego denies me. Sorry I do blather on, I really need to get back into writing--too much to say otherwise--and well my secrets are spilling out. I am looking forward to getting to know others in a like situation--separated/ on your way to or already divorced. In the past my husband has come to his senses so to speak you see when ever I have come to the end of my rope. I look for this to happen again-- but we've never went so far as a separation with talk of a divorce and this time I am not going to fold and give in. I want out and I want my freedom and independence from--and I hope with the support of others I can stick to my guns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 1:10pm

hi and welcome.

you sound like a very very brave and couragous woman. I think that nobody really understands just how difficult it is to live with someone who is sick, the way your stbx is. we are told to 'try harder' we are told 'in sickness and in health' but it takes a lot of courage to say that the 'sickness' is harming us and our children and there comes a day when we have to take a stand.

in my second marriage, it became apparent to me, at some point, that my now-ex was mentally or psychologically (or something)ill. to this day - i don't know EXACTLY what is wrong with him, but there were just so many problems, and i know we are supposed to love 'em "warts and all" but he was absuive to me and to my son (from a previous marriage), he was controlling re money, i had NOTHING. and the thing was that i was WILLING to stick it out i was willing to be there for him, to go thru therapy, whatever it takes, but the thing was that HE wasn't. I had a lot of guilty feelings - just like you do. i felt guilty for not loving him, i felt guilty for my anger, i felt guilty that i was going to leave him alone to fend for his life. thanks to a lot of hard work and a great therapist - i got past it, and left him.

it sounds liek you are on the right road. you do need to take care of yourself and your children, you need to protect yourself and your children and you do not need to feel guilty about this! understand that ths takes time - it takes time to go from being an enabling spouse to being on the other side. but don't worry - you will get there.

hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2006
Sat, 10-07-2006 - 5:28pm
Thank you for your kindness. I do think we can both relate to one another given our experiences. I do not know if I am doing and or have done my STBX any favors by keeping his secret. I guess his desire for me to keep his secret has given me an edge. I know to go public may very well destroy his reputation and position, as well as our businesses which would do none of us any good. I do not want to hurt him. I do want him to get help--but I am educated enough and have been dealing with this long enough to know he can not be helped unless he wants to be helped. A decision he has to make. Regardless I plan to end our marriage--I have not come to this decision lightly. I will be there for him if he needs me, I really do want to remain his friend if at all possible, but I also want to move forward with my own life for the sake of my kids--and yeah, odd this, but the feeling of for myself too is coming over me. Hugs,
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 3:55pm
We all deal with this in our own ways. The healing process for you has already begun. It is for you.....words. Use this portal if you choose, or any other means. Perhaps there is a story that needs to be told, to others or maybe just to yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 12:13am
I am responding to your post in the Falling n Love thread here since we got so far off topic.
"Queenbun, it does sound like remarkably similar situations. Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde--that works, though I call his condition his evil twin--since they look so much alike and all. They actually have different names and I am not married to Mr. Hyde--so he tells me."
My ex is a narcissist, maybe some borderline personality and manic depressive twists for added excitement, not full blown alter ego. Slightly different twilight zone, but very similar end result for emotional damage to me and our kids. He got much worse after turning 40. He continues to decline. I continue to discover little pieces of emotional baggage left over from a lifetime with this nut when I least expect to. But I can cope now.
Yes, get your sense of humor back, it's how I survived 28 years with him. Keeping my sense of humor certainly has sped my recovery.
"the last couple of years I have lost connection with my own dreams and career and with what friends I had owing to my having to oversee the business of our life and kids and businesses when my husband could not handle it." That particular situation was what was really killing me. Getting back to my dreams, maintaining my passions, being me again- very much key to recovering from the mess my life had become. I now have many new friends, kept quite a few of my old friends, I do things I truly enjoy. The legal crap still drags on, but it no longer bugs me.
You have made the most important step, facing that you cannot make him get better and you deserve a future.