REPENTING!!Where is this heading??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
REPENTING!!Where is this heading??
3
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 3:55am

Hi everybody,thankyou so much for helping me out in saving my marriage.I did whatever best possible but now looking at things the way they are going,started thinking again and evaluating.My husband was the one who backed out and cried.He said"oh god i cant stay without you,i love you" three hours before signing the divorce papers.

He said he is feeling guilty of having an affair at work with a single unmarried girl.he wanted me to trust him and forgive him to which i did.I said its ok now we will start a new life.We came back to our house and he has gone back again and is changing his words every second.His girlfriend has gone to different organisation so that they can carry on the romance without any threat.
since we have reconcilied my husband is not ready to spend any time with me,he has nothing to talk.he has all meals with his gf.He tells me when he goes out with her.

I told him why are you meeting your girlfriend?you promised me you need five days to sort out your affair.He said he needs a month to get his affair over.Everyday in front of my eyes he gets ready and goes with his gf and spends whole day with her.He tells me that i should do everything on my own.from shopping to having all meals,spend time with my pals etc.... he is just not there.

What dirty excuse he is making is that he needs time to sort out and that also by meeting his girlfriend everyday.

Its already been ten days am seeing him treating me like this.
How much more time should i give him?? how can i tell him what he is doing is not right.
I explained him that if i do this how will he feel.Nothing is going in his head.

I have stopped loving him like going after him all the time,begging for sex,calling him up at work and saying i love you,forcing him to say i love you to me.Am doing my normal work and not talking to him.whatever he asks i reply back.

PLEASE IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN CORRECT MY HUSBAND?MAKE HIM SEE WHAT FOOL HE IS MAKING OF ME.

whenever i say lets go out,whole day am waiting for you,he says "why do you need me?why cant you live your life without me.i have kept you in my house,give money,you enjoy,why do you need your husband?
I cried and told him that i want you because i love you and you are my husband.everytime he says he needs time.
Is this the way one sorts out affair?what the heck is he telling his girlfriend everyday by meeting her in person?

Please help me.am in deep pain.I have settled again in his house,worked very hard to set up and unpack my stuff and now he is behaving like this?

What should i do if he backs out again and says now he wants a divorce?

thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 10:09am

Hi

Your husband is feeding you crap and he will continue to do so until you stand up for yourself. I’m sorry if I’m being a bit harsh here, I apologize in advance if I hurt your feelings, but I want to try to give you an outside perspective in good faith. Unfortunately he is just saying things but not doing anything to back up his words with actions.

He is having his cake and eating it too. He has his girlfriend and he has you, a home to come to. Do not let him to continue to hurt you this way. Either he is with you or her. It is time for you to tell him that he can’t have it both ways. He is treating you very badly and you deserve so much better. He needs time to sort out his affair, well then you know what… he can sort it out on his own without stringing you along.

By carrying on with his girlfriend in front of you, he is disrespecting you. He is doing this, b/c he knows you will not do anything to stop him. You have to speak up and defend your right to live peacefully and stop the continuing hurt he is putting you through. He is tearing you apart, so it must end now, and the person to end this is you. I know you love him, but look how he is treating you. He is full of excuses, and he will not change, until you take the reins into your own hands.

You should not give him another second to continue with this. If you tell him he is not acting properly, he will only defend himself, b/c he knows exactly what he is doing. He is trying to make you confused and convince into thinking that he is not aware of how he is hurting you, he knows, except he does not care. He does not care about how you feel. It is time to show him who is the boss here. Do not do whatever he asks but what is best for you.

He has the nerve to go out with another woman right in front of your nose! He does this, b/c he knows that you love him and you will be there no matter what.
This is not how you fix a marriage and sort out your affair. He is telling his girlfriend probably that his marriage is over and he will soon be leaving you. He is telling you, he will eventually break things off with her, but he needs time, yeah right. He is playing the field.

If the house is his, you should quietly look for another place to live. Then, once you move out, file the divorce papers again, maybe this will knock some sense into him. If he won’t wake up from this dream life he is living, then at least you will have a peace of mind. It will be tough and you will have to work out the hurt again but you should not continue living with this man when he so clearly is showing you he is not worth your effort.

He does not get the opportunity to back out again and say he wants a divorce, b/c you will ask him for one hopefully before he gets the chance to decide anything. You are taking care of yourself, and no one deserves this kind of treatment. Words won’t stop his behavior, your actions might eventually, but if they won’t you will be better off without a man who treats you like this. Take care of yourself and do not let him hurt you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 06-19-2005 - 4:49pm

Oh dear. I am afraid I wholeheartedly agree with Firefly.

There is NO AFFAIR needing a month for closing. Anybody needs just one hour: to meet the other person and say that it is over, without any possibility, without any wavering.

I believe an affair can happen - life is sometimes a strange thing, and no-one is in control all the time. However, one should be in control at least SOMETIMES! You should not have to put up with any of this. You should not witness his poor behaviour, his philandering... next, he'll ask you to hold his hand and to lie for him when he will meet the next?

Go girl. Have a life. Perhaps unpacking was hasty.

I hope I do not come off as un-friendly. You must be in pain - it is terrible to go over the same painful facts over, and over, and over, to doubt oneself, and to hear yourself questioned as your hub is doing now. Do not allow him to destroy your self esteem as he is doing. He is destroying your inner "ME", he is reducing to dust your beliefs, your trust, your SELF. Don't let him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 06-20-2005 - 11:07am

Hugs to you. I know this must be so hard to deal with. But I do agree with the other two posters. If your husband truly regretted the affair and wanted your marriage to work, he would have broken it off with the other woman before you two reconciled. He told you he wanted to work on your marriage, but now that he has you back he's showing you that those were empty promises. Instead, he wants to keep his marriage going in name only and for you to turn a blind eye. There is no way you can change how he acts - we can't change or control others, only how we act and react to others. It doesn't sound to me like you want to live like this, and he is showing you he doesn't plan on changing how he's acting, so if you want your life to be better you're going to have to act. I know that's easy for me to say not being in your shoes. You might be able to try a last ditch attempt at counselling, but unless your husband is willing to stop seeing the OW (which he's shown he's not) I don't see how counselling will work - it's pretty much impossible to work on a marriage when there are 3 people involved.

-sang