Repost - New here with lots of questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Repost - New here with lots of questions
4
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 9:59am

My husband of 16 years recently announced that he isn't happy and he wants out. He says he knows it can never work and he's ready to just give up so he can find happiness. I am in complete shock. Sure, we had our problems but everybody has problems. I've finally reached a point where I'm tired of trying to convince him that it can work and now I have lots of questions about where to go from here from a legal standpoint.

Some background - we have 3 children (ages 8, 5 and 11 weeks). We have already discussed visitation and pretty much agreed. We have also already gone over our finances and broken them down as far as what he will pay, what I will pay, and how much child support he will give me. I have no idea what the law says about how much he owes me for the kids but I'm sure it's less than what he's already agreed to. I know all this has to be in writing before I can count on anything though. I'm currently on maternity leave and not planning to go back to work until August. STBX wants me to stay off work as long as I need to (our son has some medical issues) and is willing to continue to fully support us until then. He has moved in with his brother and doesn't plan to get a place of his own for a while.

I just have so many questions. I don't want a divorce but he is dead set that it is happening. Legally is it better for one person to file before the other does or does it matter? We have both our names on both cars, a house and credit cards. I'm keeping the house and my car and he's keeping his truck and taking all the credit card and medical bills. How do we separate that legally and do we keep both our names on everything? If not, how do I get his name off my house and car and my name off his truck and the other debt?

Also, if we can manage to keep this as civil as we have so far (with the exception of a few arguments), do we need attorneys or is there another way? I know some people can file papers themselves but the only people I know that have done this didn't have children involved and no extensive split of property and debt. I've heard of mediators - are they just to help work out details or can they actually help with the paperwork? I know laws vary state to state. We live in Tennessee.

I'm sorry to be so full of questions. I've just found myself in a place I never wanted to be and I feel so ignorant about what I need to do to protect myself and my children. STBX is a good guy and he feels really guilty about all this. So, right now he's willing to give me the shirt off his back but I'm afraid if I don't cover myself now, I will regret it later if he decides he's tired of being so generous or that he is going to need more money for himself. He also goes back and forth between being nice about all this to getting pissy if I ask him too many questions or if he feels threatened. Last night, he actually threatened me by saying that if I wasn't careful, I would find myself being the one picking up the kids a couple days a week and every other weekend instead of him. I don't believe him for one minute though because he doesn't want the responsibility of 3 children full time. He apologized later and said he didn't mean it but that is the kind of thing that worries me about him changing his mind later on. I want something iron clad that he can't get out of when he's in a bad mood.

Anyway, any suggestions or advice is greatly appreciated.

Stephanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 10:39am
I am in a similar situation as you (stbx is giving me more than I think I would get and we worked out visitation etc). We went to a divorce financial planner/mediator and got all of the details worked out. The planner was able to look at tax issues and let us know who should pay what and get credit so that we maximized our money. He also mediated visitation and other things we didn't think of. My stbx then went to a lawyer and had the paperwork drawn up. I went to a lawyer with the paperwork to have it reviewed. Changes were made and now stbx's lawyer will file for us. If the cars are owned outright, I think you guys just sign them over to each other. If both of your names are on the loan, you'll have to ask about that one, sorry. I am sure others here can help more with the refinancing issues as I moved to another home and therefore didn't deal with that. At any rate, I am sorry you had to come here but I hope you get lots of support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:17pm

i think that you have a lot of legal questions that are best answered by a lawyer (even if you don't want to use a lawyer for the actual proceedings). Hopefully, karen (one of the cl's on the board) will reply to this post - she is from tennessee.

you are correct in that you need to have things in writing and sanctioned by the court system - of course, that doesn't guarantee that your stbx will actually DO what he is obligated to do; all it does is guarantee that if he DOESN'T follow thru, you can take legal actions against him.

most people getting divorced dont' WANT to be mean and vindictive --- but you do need to do wha tyou need to do to protect yourself and your children.

hugs, keep us updated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 10:09am
Steph,
literally just went through the legal aspects of this. My STBX already had an attorney - you know the "vulture" type who likes to drag you to court and make it really mess - and get it in the newspaper if she can - but anyway, he talked to her about how the law works. I had a goal for him to keep the house and we figured it out over a glass of wine at the dining room table. No attorneys deciding my fate. His attorney drew up the papers. I had an attorney review them. He filed. I'll be divorced with an agreement filed in early Sept. End of story. It was actually very easy, assuming you continue to agree with the plan. We don't have kids and no real debt other than a house and my car. I do need to admit that he gets 1/3 of my salary for 3 yrs, but that's my choice. I could drag this out, go to court and he wouldn't get any spousal support and have to sell the house because he couldn't afford it. I didn't want that. I actually got a letter from his attorney congratulating us on working this out ourselves. Good luck. Get some legal advice though -
Phillygirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:19am

Stephanie, I would definitely suggest having a consultation with an attorney. Most will give an initial free or low-cost consultation....just so you can have some of your questions answered.


It sounds like you and your H are in agreement about most topics, so it may be more cost effective in the end for you to use a mediator for your divorce. I've heard it work well for many people. Unfortunately, in my case, we tried it, and it didn't work out well. I did end up using an attorney.



I really don't think it matters much, but again, best to ask a lawyer.



This is usually all spelled out in