Respect for stbx and ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Respect for stbx and ...
1
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:30pm

Hi!

I have posted before, but now have changed my user name ... anyway, two questions:

1. Did you and your stbx or x have respect for ea. other before/during/after the divorce. How did it play out if you lacked it?

2. How much reading on divorce and particularly on the impact on children did you do? Did you feel encouraged that divorce would be ok/better for the kids or the opposite.

I have been reading Ahrons (The Good Divorce and other titles), Wallerstein (The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce), Emery (The Truth about Children and Divorce) and have been recommended Hetherington (For better or worse).

I have two young children (6 and 4 1/2) and although I will make it work and be the best I can be for them if divorce comes to pass, my reading suggests that a mediocre marriage and intact family is better than the best divorce.

Thanks for your thoughts/experience.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:26pm

I don't have answers to you two questions, but I can tell you about my experience with divorce and my son.

I stayed in an unhappy, neglect-filled, un-supportive marriage for far longer than I should have. I went to counseling and read every book imaginable about keeping my marriage together. I read one book called, Imperfect Harmony: How to Stay Married for the Sake of Your Children and Still Be Happy. Basically, after reading this book, I felt that no matter how miserable I was, I had to stay in the marriage for my son. And I did.

One evening, around 9pm, my son was in bed. My ex hardly ever came home until after midnight or later. He was usually out eating at restaurants, going to movies with his friends....and who knows what else. That night, I seriously considered suicide. Then it hit me: "What's worse for my son? A dead mother, or a divorced mother?" I decided a divorced mother would be better. While the divorce and transition wasn't always easy, I truly do not know if I could have survived more time in that marriage. And if I couldn't...that would have been tragic for my son.