Retained an attorney-Reality Strikes!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Retained an attorney-Reality Strikes!!!!
3
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:21am

Well, I did it. After 8 years of trying to make it work and having my marriage fail again and again, I've finally taken the step to retain an attorney. My husband knows about the divorce, but he is trying to manipulate me into filing without attorneys (he doesn't know I've retained one). Just as he did throughout our marriage, he is attempting to control the situation using threats (legal and physical), as well as intimidation (i.e.: "you'll never make it on you're own." "The money you'll get from the divorce will be gone in a year, and then what will you do?"). He harrasses me by following me around our apartment (I can't move into my apartment until at least June 10th), berating me in front of the kids (5 and 13 mos). He is demanding that I agree to ridiculously low child support or "it'll get ugly" - his words, and a number of other things.

Anyway, the guy is a total jerk. I'm in counseling trying to undo his emotional abuse. He beats our dog, engages in road rage with me and our kids in the car, yells at us constantly and punches things. The worse though is that cool and controlled voice he gets, exuding his dominance and authority. "Why do you make me yell at you? Don't you see how angry you make me? Why do you do that to me?"

When I met with the attorney this morning I wanted to hug her! She was so kind and took on my case with a real sense of agression (that's not quite the right word, but you know what I mean). She's also very worried about me and my safety, wanting me to try for an order of protection. But all I could think about was that this can't be my life. I do not live the life of a woman who is afraid of her husband. The attorney is talking about some other woman - this isn't my life! And on the same note, I'm worried how he will react when he is served. He'll act bewildered that I'm afraid of him. He really has no idea why I'm divorcing him. All my reasons are, according to him, fabrications and the result of my imagination. I'm the ridiculous one. I'm the one who emotionally abuses him - I called him pathetic once, under my breath, and he has never let me forget it.

I feel sick now. My attorney is filing the paperwork on Monday. She wants to rush the temporary orders and possibly the order of protection, if I agree to it. What have I done? For eight years this man has been my everything, and I don't mean that in a good way. He has controlled me in so many ways, so I should be glad to take this step. But I am so terrified. I'm afraid of what he will do when he finds out I retained an attorney. And I'm afraid that I'm wrong. What if he is right? What if I am psycho and overreacting? He was so nice today because I was nice to him (I'm desperately trying to keep up a good face so he doesn't know how far I've taken this). So maybe he does treat me badly because I treat him badly. I haven't been a good wife. I never had a serve-my-man mentality. I'm terrible at housework and I'm a horrible nag. I get really emotional at times, too. I know I don't make him engage in road rage or beat the dog, but maybe if I'd been better to him he would have been a happier person and wouldn't have let life weigh him down so much to cause all this anger.

To make matters worse, my family doesn't support my decision to divorce. I try to talk to my mom and all she does is tell me to calm things down for the sake of the kids. She is angry that I'm still living in this apartment, subjecting the kids to all this hostility, yet she doesn't offer me any other solution except to go to a women's shelter. She doesn't offer for me to live with her, neither does my dad or my sister, because they don't want to "get involved." My husband had also talked to our Pastor at church and now she wants to talk to me. Apparently she "disapproves" of my path. He's pulling everyone over to his side and I'm left wondering if they are all right. He's the kind of guy who everyone loves. But I'm the only one who sees the real him, so how do I know I'm seeing correctly?

I just don't know what to do. I think I'm just scared because I'm buying into his intimidations. I feel like I'm on this mecca that only makes sense to me, and one day I will wake up and realize what a horrible mess I've made of things. How do I get past this? How do I find the strength to carry through?

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:05am

I think you have already found the strength. You know you can do this.

My advice (if you haven't already) is to start documenting. Document everything on what happens on a daily basis (good and bad) with you and with him. If you are alone with the children and they are happy, note that. If he is there and he beats the dog, document it. Dates, times and facts. Keep your emotions and your feelings in a separate journal for yourself, because this documentation may be used in court and you want it to be as unbiased as possible. It will also be helpful for you when everyone is doubting you, to go back and read through this to remind you of how bad it really is. The most important reason to start this documentation is that when you get to court he is going to make up lies about you and say you are a horrible mother just to hurt you. You will need to use this documentation (along with copies of health records and pictures) to show that the children are happy and healthy while in your care.

It's hard when your family doesn't support you, but you can still do this for the sake of your children. They need you to be strong and do the right thing. I would recommend sitting down with the pastor. Tell her about his anger and beating the animals and then saying it's your fault. Explain you have the support of your therapist and your attorney, and you know as a mother this is the only choice you can make. Tell her you would like her support as well, and that you know your husband can appear sincere but others do not see the abuse behind the scenes. If she does not stand by you, then at least you tried to counter his lies and you can move on without her support too.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 12:47pm

((((((huges hugs)))))

From your description, you are 100% doing the right thing. This man is emotionally abusing you. Not only are his actions unfair to you, but they are unfair to your children. I'm sure you don't want them growing up to believe that this is the correct way to treat a woman, children, or animals. It sounds like you have found a wonderful atty, now you MUST find a terrific therapist. IC has helped me so much. My STBX was not abusive, but I still felt like I was so dependent on him (togther 13 years). With my IC's help, I found the strong person I always knew I was deep down.

You deserve to be happy, It sounds like you have given your all and then some over the past 8 years. Follow your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:56am

Thanks so much for the perspective!

Firstamendment-I loved your idea on how to approach the pastor. I knew I had to talk to her, but I didn't know what to say. Your suggestion sounds great. And I've been documenting for the past 2 years in my journal. I'll start another file for just facts, without the emotion. Good idea!

bbalm- "I'm sure you don't want them growing up to believe that this is the correct way to treat a woman, children, or animals"

My sister (the one who lives in a different state and is on my side, versus the one who wants to get stbx and I back together) said almost those exact words today. It's a good point and I know I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It's just so hard to break free from this, and him. I married him at age 19, and we dated when I was 17, so I don't know an adult life without him. I'm so glad I found this board. Thanks for the outside observations and the gentle nudging. I needed it :)