Revelation of sorts
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| Tue, 06-19-2007 - 9:30pm |
Hmmm. My stbx and I just had an exchange that really turned a light bulb on for me about our marriage.
My stbx withholds information as a way of exerting power. And then when I "nag" because I don't *know* whatever it is -- he gets to bark at me and continue to withhold the information -- like dangly a carrot out there that I know should be there, but can't see.
Wow!
For me, this is big news.
Here's how I made my discovery ... Two weeks ago I asked him to read several chapters of a book about helping kids with divorce in anticipation of our telling our girls this weekend. A week ago I offered to loan him the book since I hadn't seen him take it to read on his own. He then admitted he already had a copy of it; had had a copy when I first mentioned the book, but didn't bother to tell me he had it (power play #1).
Now 3 days before we tell our girls I say to him "I would really appreciate it if you could read those few chapters so we could discuss them tomorrow night."
He snarled at me--"I will get to it ..."
I came back at him and said "this is the most important thing you will ever do; this isn't something to be postponed."
He finally admitted he had started the reading ...
Power play #2
Why do that?! Why not just play it straight? The only reason I can think of is that by withholding information he feels he has the upper hand and has power.
So sad that he plays these games around something so important and so sad as telling his children he is walking out on them (I know, I know ... we aren't saying it like that ... all positive and collaborative and cooperative (gag), but it is how I *feel* about it even while I have been a SAINT during this nightmarish 6 months).
Anyway, just needed to share. One more reason to let this marriage end -- I knew he played mind games, but this was one I missed. Lesson learned; gonna have to figure out how to deal differently as we co-parent 'cause I don't want to deal with this nonsense too often.
M

Good for you for realizing that pattern. That's a very important insight.
My STBX does the same thing. He often comes at me with the mysterious "I have something to discuss with you" and when I ask what he'll say "Not now", or "I don't want to discuss it over the phone". Sadly, I usually fall for it hook,line, and sinker and it turns into a brawl. He even went to far as to request a recess in our last collab meeting so that he could "reveal some new information that would upset a certain party in the room" to his lawyer. What a crock of bull.
Right now it's all about recognizing that patterns and games and moving beyond them to a better future. You're on your way, good for you.
Hey, thanks for the me too. I still can't get over how manipulative and controlling my stbx actually is, all while appearing to be Mr. Layedback -- yep, by being passive, but *not* doing, he wields an incredible amount of power and control. Unfortunately, even as co-parents I will still have to deal with this bs, hopefully less and hopefully I will grow a spine.
How is the mediation going, btw? You and I seem to walk very similar paths. I hope we can both arrive at more peaceful places for our sake and that of our kids!
M
Hi M - I saw your post so I thought I would send you a quick note. I have no doubt that telling your girls about your separation has been hanging over you for a few months now. Once that cat is out of the bag you will feel so much better and be able to take the next step in this process which is helping your daughters make the transition and living your new normal.
I am very happy as a single mom and I likely have my girls 80% of the time even though we are supposed to have a 60/40 split. My stbx is wallowing in self pity right now - it is definitely a "careful what you wish for" situation for him. The girls are very happy although my 5yr old is having some difficult moments trying to undertsand why we made the decision to split. Funny thing though - she loves our new neighbours and one who lives right beside us is a very attractive very outgoing man and his wife and kids (same age as mine). She asked me if I would marry him if they decided to live in different houses. Too cute! My little match maker LOL!
I will be thinking about you this week as you break the news to your girls. I know this is a very stressful time for you. You have taken all the right steps though....
((((Hugs to you )))))
Rose
Rose,
You continue to impress me. Glad you are well on your way to your new life. You are definitely a go getter!
Will update everyone soon since we tell the girls this weekend. He moves two weeks later. Hoping once he is out I will begin feel some psychic load starting to lighten, although he will be around alot these first few months since his place is not nearby or very child-friendly.
Thanks again for setting such a fine example of a positive attitude and problem-solving spirit!
M