Ring Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Ring Question
14
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 4:13pm

This might be a dumb question - but when do I take off my wedding rings? It's probably premature as he hasn't even moved out yet but I can't help but wonder. Every time I look down at my left hand, I see my wedding ring, engagement ring, and anniversary band (we were married 16 yrs) and it's just a constant reminder of what I'm going through. On the other hand, I'm not divorced or even separated yet so it seems way too early!

Any thoughts?

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Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: kmskater
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 5:13pm

Well..everyone's different, of course. But mine came off about a week after the separation. That was when I finally had listened to enough about how badly he had treated me, and decided I wanted the separation to be permanent. After two months, I would probably feel weird with it on again.


So-I take it you've discussed this already and are sure there's going to be a separation? Any chance of reconciliation?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
In reply to: kmskater
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 7:52pm

You will most likely know when to take it off.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
In reply to: kmskater
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 7:57pm

Hi - yes it's definite. No reconciliation here. I think he's finally accepting the idea and coming to terms with it but it's been a rough few weeks! We've been married 16 years and have two kids (7 & 10) so it was a very difficult decision for me to make. It was my decision to seek divorce. We are just too different and I'm not in love with him anymore and haven't been for a long time.

I guess I'll wait until we actually separate to remove my rings. It must be weird when you've gotten so used to wearing them and I play with them all the time. I'll have to replace them with something totally generic!

Avatar for ericas_mom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: kmskater
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:46pm

Yeah-I kind of played with mine too. I have substituted that with wringing my hands, or maybe playing with my hair.


So, have your kids been told yet? If so, how did they take it? My daughter is taking it in the worst way. She can't see her dad, through no fault of mine, and I just keep getting more "acting out" behavior because of it. For example, "I'm not listening to you until I see my dad" or, "I hate you! I want my dad!". It really was taking a toll on me today. It's like everything that comes out of her mouth is negative. I can deal with it most days, but today I just really wanted a little bit of peace. I will warn you-being the only parent is NOT easy!


Amy : (

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Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kmskater
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:52pm

I took my rings off immediately for just the reason you mentioned. Every time I saw my rings, I thought about my marriage being over and honestly, I started to feel like wearing them was a falsehood. In addition to that, it was just six months after my 10 year anniversary that my now ex told me he was "in love" with someone else. When I was upset about it he said, "What are you so upset about? - You got the anniversary band you wanted!". UGH. I hated that ring from that day on and I was happy to stop wearing it. I do plan on selling that one and my engagement ring and my wedding bands are being saved for my kids in case they ever want them. The diamond on the engagement ring my ex's family's diamond and I'd like to pass that along.

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: kmskater
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 9:36am

I took of mine right after I told my Husband I wanted a divorce.


I am Saving my rings to make them into a ring for his son, who was my stepson for 9 years. The boy will get the ring as a gift when he turn 18.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
In reply to: kmskater
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 11:57am

We have told the kids and it was hard. But so far - so good. However he is still living at home so life is still pretty normal for them. I'm personally very ready for him to move out but he has no money and no car at the moment. Makes it a little difficult. I feel very sorry for him but at the same time - he is in this position because of choices HE has made - not me. It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for him and live my own life now right?

I both dread and look forward to being a single parent. He will have the kids once in awhile but if all goes as my lawyer promises - the kids will be in my custody 90% of the time. It will be nice to be free to parent as I choose - not always second guessing how he's going to react to something I say or do! I have lived in fear of his moods and words for way too long.

My lawyer is going to have the papers ready on Tuesday for me to serve my hubby. I'm a little worried how he's going to take it. We've already had two very emotional breakdowns - one where he was crying uncontrollably and another where he was hysterical and angry and screaming. I want to make sure the kids are not around when I do present him with the papers in case he gets angry! My friends think I should have someone else serve him but my lawyer assures me that it's best if it comes from me. If he doesn't accept it - then I can have someone else do it.

AAAGGGGHHHH!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2005
In reply to: kmskater
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 12:25pm
It's a very personal choice, but for me it happened when my ex and I had an argument over the fact the he refused to help me with anything regarding the house. I begged him for help. He responded with "I never wanted this house. YOU'RE the one who wanted the house. Just like YOU'RE the one who wanted the second child." That was it for me. It came off that day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: kmskater
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:47pm
Isnt that funny how they hate the house? When we bought this little house the prices were high and it is 100 yrs old and remodeled in the 50's n 70's. It does have strong beams etc. He did re do the bathroom with my enouragement. He has always said how he hates this house we need to get rid of it. I have done most of the painting, wallpapering, I laid the kitchen floor. I have to do anything I want done cause he Hates the house.
It kind of hurt my feelings I always wanted my own little house and this is all we could get and I am trying to doll it up .......he works on my dd and son il's house.......but just says this one is hopeless (it isnt)
I think they do that to make us feel bad. He wanted this house at the time. We also did a second mortgage to pay off credit cards that was HIS idea .......I didnt want to do it I wanted to just pay them down. now this is a high interest loan. but it is entirely MY fault?
anyway I am going to cherish this little house and continue to do what small improvements I can. If I can hold onto it LOL
But we moved alot and finally bought this house and I was so excited and thought we would be happy and have fun fixing it up together. He couldnt hardely drill a hole without wanting to throw the hammer cause if THIS worthless house that I wanted to buy. go figure
OH about rings. After we were married about three years from the first marriage in 1978 I still did not have a ring. ( he usually makes pretty darn good money in construction )so one time I begged and begged could we go get some inexpensive bands? he RELUCTANTLY agreed. Think he was always angry about that. so we bought two gold bands. in the first divorce we had I sold his to my nephew who still wears it. The womans band is in my jewelry box. think its been there for years. I did gain weight and I also work with alot of power tools so I didnt want to wear it.
not sure what I will do. give it to my son maybe to pass down or give to his wife if he marries. its a good sturdy band. they made them better and heavier gold back then I think.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: kmskater
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:13pm

It's interesting to read everyone's perspectives on when they did/will take their ring off.

For the last year of my first marriage, I almost never wore my ring. I remembered trying to put it on occasionally, and would actually feel sick to my stomach when I wore it...oddly enough. I used to look at it and feel angry at myself for living a lie in a marriage that was making me to unhappy.

I think we all have different times when it feels right for us. Just go with your instinct and what feels comfortable for you.

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