Rollercoaster won't stop
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| Mon, 12-19-2005 - 3:23pm |
I haven't posted in a few months but I'm back. Background:STBX & I had been together 10yrs, 8th wedding anniversary was in Oct. We have 5yo son who stays w/him and I have my 12yo son. We have been seperated a full year now (since Dec.17, one day after my birthday). We are benefiting from one another phsically etc. (still no papers filed yet). We still talk and see eachother regularly. Basically, nothing has changed between us except where we sleep at night. I have to ask: "Is he playing games? Am I fooling myself by hanging around?" He still talks in WE terms and sometimes we seem closer than ever. Although three months before I was to leave he declared we couldn't make it, I expedited the seperation. That being said, I figured he needed some time to see what he wanted to do. Here it is a year later and he's still planning trips and just offered to go to N.Carolina w/me to visit my mother for Christmas!! Did I miss something? Is he for real?! I mean, does he not see how vulnerable I am to him, in that setting w/ my whole family together. With the idea of divorce looming? It seems he wants to keep me near him...but hold me at arm's length.
Some tell me to enjoy the benefits of a husband without cleaning up after him. But I still love my husband. Am I making a fool of myself? Would I appear pushy if I was to tell him I can't go on like this anymore? He suggested the seperation would allow me experience of living on my own & to decide what I wanted. Well, now I know I can take care of myself and my son, I've become a stronger person whre my self esteem is concerned and despite the flaws I have previously not allowd myself to see in him ( I used to tell him he was perfect and I wasn't worthy) I still think we could reconcile. I mean, how unbearable could the idea of reconciling be if he's around me all the darn time? It's like I'm giving up all my power in this relationship..or whatever it is.
Looks like he's the one having his cake and eating it too. To it's selfish on both our parts because I think we're both afraid to let the other go first. With all this said, why is it so hard for me to tell him this? Or at least decline his many offers of time together. I know I want him back; and he must have some clue. It's been a long time since I brought up the subject to him, upon his request. I've gotten myself together, taken some online college courses, got some new friends. Is he waiting for me to release him? I'm sick of nightmares of him leaving me all over again. Bad enough I have that sinking feeling everytime he walks away. "Will this be the night he decides to file papers?" Very sad way to feel on such a daily basis. What is he waiting for? Announcing divorce on our 10th wedding anniversary? Geez!
What should I do right now to help me with this situation? I feel powerless. I know why I'm waiting around: I want my husband back and I'm willing to do the work. I have done so much already. Is he? Should I expect to dig in my heels and just enjoy things the way they are until he may or may not come around? I don't know.

OK, from what you've said.... you are a stronger person now.... and if this is going to "make it" or "break" then you've GOT to stop letting him have the "benefits".
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~