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| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:08am |
Hi, I have been lurking for a few weeks, this place really helped me realize I was not going crazy and everything I am feeling/going through is normal.
Here is my story...
I am 39, live in Austin, TX and have one little girl (Payton) that is almost 6 (next mo).
A few weeks before our 10 yr wedding anniversary, XH told me he was not happy and he loves me but "is not IN love with me", I can still remember those words like he said them yesterday.
This came totally out of the blue, at least for me. He is/was seeing OW from work. I don't know how all this happened. I always seem to run our whole marriage thorugh my mind but can't seem to figure out where things went wrong.
The divorce was finalized this past Sept.-I did not have an attorney, I filed and did all paperwork myself, wow, what a process! We were married a little over 11 yrs by the time it was all said and done.
Our relationship is very amicable because of how I handled the whole thing, I chose not to seek revenge (although it would of been soooo easy).
Oddly enough, even though it has been 1 1/2 yrs since he left, I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the whole thing.
I don't know if I will ever accept it.
I am going to start going to a support group next week, I hope that gives me some form of healing and an outlet.
Thanks ahead of time for listening and advise.
Jan

Jan,
Welcome!
Wow, you are one brave, strong woman. No revenge, no anger ... wow! Brave! Good for you to go to an irl support group.
If you have been lurking you have probably read my posts ... I have 4 and 6 yo girls and I am not sure their Dad can establish a safe 2nd home for them (based on how he lived prior to our marriage and his psychiatric and familial history (ocd, hoarding, add). I am very angry and very scared for my children, but am trying to be civil and work with the process.
Can you tell me how your dd handled the divorce; how you helped her; how much she sees her Dad and under what circmstances? Were you working prior to the divorce? I am a sahm and the transition to work may a) take time and b) require my dds to go into daycare for the first time in their lives along with all the other painful changes.
Would love to hear your experience!
M
Hi,
Let me first say, I have anger, so much anger....Revenge on the other hand, was just too easy, it's not like I don't know where she works, in the long run, it only makes me look pathetic. I have come to realize, it's really not about her, she had nothing invested in me, if it wasn't her, it would of been someone else. He can tell me as many times as he want's "it just happened"...but they are both adults, they new exactly what they were doing and the consequences that they faced. I really feel stuck right now, I am hoping the support group can give me the boost I need to figure out what the next step is.
My first priority is Payton, my relationship with my X is now about co-parenting, not marriage. In my case, my X just adores Payton and he sees her as much as he can and will do anything for her. I keep reminding myself, just because he was a bad husband, does not make him a bad father, they are two totally different relationships...
I am originally from Iowa, lived in Ca, Co and now TX, it is so hard not having any family around. My mom really wants me to move closer to home for emotional support if nothing else. At this point my X has given me no reason to take her away from him.
I was a SAHM for 4 years before all this happened. I went and got a fulltime job and put Payton in preschool. It was so hard to go out and interview, but I just had to figure it out, it's amazing how you can function, even though you don't really know what the hell you are doing.
I am very honest with Payton, I pretty much just told her that even though we don't live together, we are still a family. I don't ever talk bad about her dad (around her anyway!),
Kids are very intuitive, keep it simple, but be honest, they are smart, they get more then you think. They hear everything, don't fight in front of them, give them credit, they just want to feel safe, make sure you reassure them you are there if they have any questions and leave it at that. They will ask questions....
I hope this helps some, please do not misunderstand that I am struggling like everyone else, I just want to rebuild, just a work in progress!
Cheers,
Ruthann
Jan,
New here. Thanks for posting your story.
Ok I am sure there could be a few marriages that they stay in love. but I havent seen one.
Your X thought he was spose to be IN love I guess when its a pretty rare thing I think. Just my honest opinion.
good luck to you!