rough few days - please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
rough few days - please help!
3
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:02am

I posted this on the Betrayed Spouses board, but I thought you fine folks here may be able to help as well (I know not everyone visits both boards). Here goes:

I thought I was holding it together when I received the first separation proposal on Friday, but I was lieing to myself... I am so horribly sad. I have been crying for three days now and was so upset yesterday that I got physically ill (that's never happened before).

I can't believe this is happening. I thought will all of my heart that it wouldn't come to this. I love my husband so much and I am willing to forgive him and work through his affair. I can't imagine a feeling much worse than the person you thought you would be with forever leaving you for someone they have known for a little over a year. How can he love her and stop loving me after 13 years. The tr*mp was married when she met my husband. Not only did she break up her own marriage, but now, she's breaking up mine. Why did it take me so long to see what was happening? I trusted my H completely around her - I mean, aren't you supposed to trust the person you married? This girl (much younger than my husband) is so looked down upon in our community... everyone thinks she's horrible and a tr*mp (I promise, this isn't just my bitterness coming through). My H was always thought so highly of by his peers and everyone in the community. He always cared what others thought of him, but now he's done a 180. He doesn't care that he is making an &ss of himself. I hate watching him self-destruct like this. OW is going to do the exact same thing to my H one day that she did to hers. Why can't he see that?

I hate his excuses. I hate how he tries to rewrite history and claim he hasn't been happy for a long time. That is a load of cr*p!!! His actions before this past year demonstrated how happy he was. Everything was fine until this little SH came along and started stroking his ego left and right - and the worst part is I let it happen right in front of me! I actually defended him when someone would make the suggestion that something was going on between them... how could I have been so blind???

I had everything I wanted in life. I loved my husband with all of my heart... I still do! I need some help with dealing with this. I know I should live by the serenity prayer - accept the things you cannot change - but this is getting to be too much!!!

PS - yes, I'm in IC (have been for about 7 months). I was doing ok, I really was, until I saw my life as I knew crumbling before me in writing (the proposal).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 11:21am

The idea of accepting what you can't change isn't something you do overnight. Right now your heart is broken and you are grieving. If there is a chance that you could work it out with him, that will take time too and it will only happen when and if he's ready. Be honest with yourself and with him that you do not wish for this divorce to happen, but work on protecting your heart in case you can't stop it from happening. For now you just need to let yourself be sad.

(((HUGS)))

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 05-15-2005 - 5:10pm

Hello and welcome to the boards.


First off, hugs to you. I am so sorry I didn't see this sooner. 3 kidlets keep me busy, especially on the weekends :)


I think it's ironic that every person I have known in person and on these boards that has dealt with infidelity during a marriage has the same song and dance fed to them. Being unhappy for years before the separation, lying about history and making everything the devoted spouse's fault. Please know that it is untrue and not worth worrying yourself over. They have to make themselves look good to the OW or OM so they lie for so long and so many times about how horrible their life was with us that they start to believe it themselves. It seems to be sort of a script. My X told OW so many things, including that I "forced" him to get married and "forced" him to have the baby that I was 4 months pregnant with when he left. He also told me that he was unhappy for 4 years, 2 years and then finally 1 year. All a load of crap....lol. The bottom line is YOU know the truth, the people that are close to you know the truth. That's all that matters.


I don't pretend to know what goes through an OW or OM's head when they interfere with a marriage and children. I do know that it is a selfish act, but it does take 2. When someone younger comes along stroking our spouse's ego's it's pretty hard to compete, especially when you don't know you are competing. It is, no fault of yours, that you are in this position. You are probably like me and had no idea anything was happening. I had a "feeling" something was going on, if I asked, I got "Im just tired and I hate my job" never once did I know he was unhappy with me.


I am with someone else now, I met him a few months after my separation. At first it was a bad idea and definitely a rebound relationship, I felt sad a lot and thought of my X often. I ended up getting pregnant a few months after I met my SO, turns out it is what made me see the light. There are better people out there and because of what my X did to me I am smarter and MUCH stronger. It leads back to the old saying, everything happens for a reason. I was sad when my divorce was final, I had tears in my eyes through the whole thing. BUT I am, by far, the best person I can ever be right now. Through it all, all the tears and all the sadness, I am thankful that my husband left me. For all the reasons stated above and LOTS more. I couldn't say that a year ago. It was up to me to think and believe it.


You will need time, let it happen. Get yourself a great support system. You can use us if you want :) I am normally MUCH better at reading and replying to posts. I love helping people.


It is hard when dealing with an OW situation. There is a lot more to come your way. We are all here if you need us.


Hugs to you.


Angelena

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 11:20am

I just wanted to thank all of you for your kind thoughts. It's been a really rough few days, but I think I am coming out of it now (I hope I am at least). I am comforted to know that at least these episodes are getting further apart.

Thanks again :)