Ruth, how are you doing??

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Ruth, how are you doing??
7
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 10:23am

Hey there, I think I can speak for several of us here when I say you've been in our thoughts this weekend. How did your talk go? Are you okay?

Melanie

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Registered: 01-27-2005
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:49pm
Thank you so much for your thoughts. It didn't go well because it didn't happen. I'm very disappointed in me and him and the whole situarion. Sat. we got in a fight on our way to run errands. He got mad because I put some CDs on the side of the car seat and they fell down under the seat. I told him I didn't have to go with him, so he turned the car around, pulled up to our place and got out of the car. He stood there without saying a word until I got out of the car and followed him up to the door. He left me in and I did stand up for me a little bit. I told him he wasn't going to treat me that way. He said it was all my fault! That's the first time he's said that. I held it together enough to follow him upstairs and tell him it wasn't me. Then we were both so mad, so I told him to leave. He did. I curled up on the couch and cried. For like 2 hours. He came back and I just couldn't bring up our talk. I was ready Sunday when he went out. I waited and waited for him to come back, but he didn't until we had a work meeting. He made plans with a friend and I reminded him that we were supposed to talk this weekend. He got mad. I told him he owed it to me and he had to still care for me at least that much. He said I was right. When we were coming home, he told me he hadn't taken his medicine and didn't think it was a good time to talk. So that's it. I'm not sure when he'll get home early enough this week, but I don't want to put it off until next weekend.
Does this ever end? Does it get better? I'm so tired of the roller coaster. I'm tired of not knowing his plans. Another first happened last night. He was in a rotten mood as I was getting ready for bed. I told him goodnight and he called me over and hugged me. I headed towards my room and heard him yelling at one of our cats. When I got in bed I thought with a relief that I won't always have to put up with that. It hurts to say that I will enjoy that.
I will keep you posted. How are things at your place? How do you do it? Do I have to start disliking him if I'm going to get through this without falling apart?
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 11:31am

Wow...... I hate the medicine excuse.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 01-27-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:32pm
I know you're all right. And I know he knows the buttons to push. I've always been nothing but a softie with him. I am ready to know what's going on, set some ground rules and boundaries and move on. I've never wanted this d, but it's not all up to me, and I have to deal with what he wants and does. I'm tryng to stop beating myself up about letting another weekend go by the same way.
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:59pm

I think that when we get this close to the end of our ropes.... we want to see progress... and sometimes progress isn't that visual.


Don't beat yourself up.... you're making progress whether you can see it or not... and in the end, when you know that you did everything right.... you'll be able to look back and say "I wouldn't have done anything differently because now, I'm sure I'm sure".


I beat myself up for a long time because I procrastinated and drug my feet for so long.... kept hearing and taking excuses.... kept giving chances.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:24pm

Oh Hon, it's okay. You sound like you're in the same pattern I was in. He'd do something rude or inconsiderate, I'd get angry and then I'd end up apologizing when it was his deal all along and my frustration and anger was very normal for the crap I was putting up with. You will feel so much better when you are in control, keep in mind each time he disappoints you you will become stronger and more aware of what you want and need. From my experience it does get better and end when you know what you want and seek it. When I realized that I would rather be alone than put up with this behavior any more is when I knew I was ready. You may need a few more episodes like this to be ready or you may have had enough already. It's hard, I know. I dealt with this for YEARS on and off and the depression situation is really difficult. I don't understand what it is to feel depressed, but I think that often my stbx uses it as a crutch and an excuse to get whatever he wants at the time. Hang in there and keep us updated.

Melanie

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Registered: 01-27-2005
Thu, 03-24-2005 - 6:51am
When I read what you write and what I've written and think about what I've (we've!) gone through, I ask myself "why don't *you* want this? Why do you still want to be with this man?" I can't say for certain if he told me today that he wanted to be together again that I would say okay, but I think I would say maybe but... Why??? I've had boughts with depression and recently looked into my family history. (Wow! All I can say about that is I'm doing pretty good!) But, he & I handle it differently and I haven't been as bad as he was since I've known him. We put all our energy into him. I remember even early in our relationship wondering why I put up with certain little things. When his depression is bad, his temper flairs at any tiny thing. My older brother had a temper and I always said I'd never live with someone like that again. Surprise! I did think about that, but I loved x, so I put up with it. So, why am I the one still wishing we were together? I know I can't go back, but what about going forward in a different way? Am I really this pitiful?
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Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:05pm

Hey there, your reply got buried and I just found it! Oh I still totally understand what you're going through! Just last year when he left in a huff and I sat there feeling joy and relief I never for one second thought we'd be getting back together. Days later he called and told me he'd had a spiritual awakening and he wanted to meet with me. Honestly, I was so scared to meet with him. He was never ever violent, but I just didn't trust him anymore. I had a friend watch the kids and I left a note on my dresser stating that just in case he hurt or killed me that I wanted to have a certain UU minister do the service. Of course his motives were postitive and I took him back. We had a nice talk and he stayed at the hotel for over a week more and then I felt ready to have him back. I made him woo me, but you know it was just a couple of months later and it was all back again. By then he'd started a night job at Target and he blamed his moods and lack of interest in the family on long difficult hours. I accepted his excuses and kept it all together until this last time.

Sometimes I would watch him spiral into depression or rage and wonder why I never got the opportunity to have a bad day. Why I could work 10-12 hours a day with children (and my own children who come to work with me) and why then when I came home I needed to care for an adult and clean up his messes. I'd just had enough and when I was angry he tried to turn it and make me apologize and I told him I wouldn't. Then I told him I was unhappy with the situation and he basically told me too bad, this is the way he is and I'm stuck with him. If I don't like it I'd better call a divorce attorney and it hit me and I saw my doorway and told him I thought perhaps I would call a divorce attorney (I know one from work). He tried to backpedal and told me that I would ruin my kids' lives and I again realized that no, he was going to ruin their lives if we stayed married. I had an actual physical feeling of seperation from him. It was very weird. I'm sorry this has turned into a book about me, but I think our stories are so similar, mine just spans over 17 years and two kids. You will get strong enough to stand, I did.

Melanie