?s for those who started the D

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2006
?s for those who started the D
2
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 12:35pm

I met with an attorney today and got some solid advice that should help me. My question is: For those of you who started the D process yourself because you basically wanted to:

1. How did you break it to the other spouse?

2. Were you already separated?

3. Did the other spouse act like he/she didn't want to be married anymore either but didn't start the D themselves?

Just wondering. Thanks!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2006
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 7:52am

My Ex-H and I recently got divorced after 11 years of marriage and 13 years together. For the last year and a half of our relationship he was having an A with one of the secretary’s from his work. He was 31 and a half when the A started, she was 19 and a half. She was also two and a half months pregnant with twin boys when I filed for divorce, and ended up giving birth 5 and a half months into the divorce proceedings (the twins were one month old when they got married) OW having his children was especially painful because there is only a one percent chance I will ever conceive children.

1. How did you break it to the other spouse?

About 11 months into the A, I accidentally stumbled upon some things that made me suspicious, and after I did some more digging and was almost certain he was having an A, I hired a private investigator. He took several pictures of my Ex-H and OW together (including one of them leaving the OB/GYN's office) After that I filed for divorce, and sent the papers to him at his office, along the photos (I also sent copies of the photos to the OW)

2. Were you already separated?

No. We were still "together" at the time, and Ex-H had no idea I knew about the A, and he thought he was getting away with things and that everything in our marriage was fine.

3. Did the other spouse act like he/she didn't want to be married anymore either but didn't start the D themselves?

Even though Ex-H married OW two weeks after our divorce became final (it became final only two weeks ago) he said he loved me and would do anything to regain my trust and stay married to me. All during the A (and even after it was found out) he still told me how much he loved me and how happy he was being married to me. He always acted quite the opposite, like he wanted to STAY married to me.

Wishing you peace and happiness in this difficult time. Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 08-10-2006 - 9:57am

1. How did you break it to the other spouse?

He knew I had not adjusted to the concept of "being married" and that the whole thing felt suffocating to me and like my life was over/I had nothing to look forward to (though looking back I would have DEFINITELY given it more time ... we were only married 8 months before I started thinking I wanted out -- that was really stupid)

2. Were you already separated?

No. We ended up living together until a few weeks after the divorce, though I stopped going to family gatherings (his) a few months prior

3. Did the other spouse act like he/she didn't want to be married anymore either but didn't start the D themselves?
No. He wanted to be married. But when he felt like there was no hope, he suggested we drive up to the local bookstore to get the paperwork (we did a dissolution because we agreed on all of the terms). I regret the whole thing and if I could do it over I would have suggested we work on the marriage a little longer. Oh the regrets I have and that is not a fun way to live ... I fear that because of them I will never want to be in a relationship again. I really messed up my whole life but I force myself to wake up every day for my dog. Love Fzz