Sad and Confused
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| Sun, 05-20-2007 - 9:49pm |
Hello! I am new to the board but have been reading the posts for a few weeks and have posted on a few other boards based on my situation. Anyway as of tonight, my H of 12 years and I have decided to seperate for good. This is his decision not mine, but I can't make him stay so I am going along for the ride. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster ride and I keep thinking I am going to wake up from this awful dream soon.
We have two young boys (8 and 2) and my 8 year old has a chronic condition that requires regular attention by a specialist. Also, my brother who is 40 is in his last stage of non-smokers lung cancer and the doctors have decided not to continue treatment so now they are just keeping him comfortable. Did I mention that less then a month ago my company announced a merger with another company so I am dealing with that stress as well.
During the last two weeks I was blind sided by my H that he thought we should seperate. After several discussions and a lot of crying we decided a few days apart might work. I thought for sure he would come to his senses. Well he didn't. So a few days turned into a week and half. Over that time we had some good discussions and some not so good discussions. We talked about getting together today to discuss things. What this meant to him was finances and how would we deal with the split. I make more money then he does but alone neither one of us can afford anything by ourselves.
So tonight when we talked I hoped that something good would come from this and we could work things out. He still refuses to go to couples counceling and still thinks we need to seperate for good. He does not understand why I am so angry one moment and so nice the next. I told him it is because of the mixed signals he gives me. He sends me e-mails, shows up at my son's school carnival and his baseball games acting like everything is great which makes me think maybe there is hope. However when we talk he is nowhere close to reconcilition and will not even consider giving it a second chance.
I still don't know what the cause of the breakup even is other then he says he has felt this way for two years but I only found out two weeks ago. I asked if he had a girlfriend and he denies that. I am so sick over all of this. I am trying to be strong for my boys but I don't know how I am going to deal with this.
His suggestion is that we keep everything as ifs for the next few months as far as paying bills goes but he is going to sign a 6 month lease for an apartment. When he brings up things like selling our family house or child custody I get very angry and he can't seem to understand why. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for reading this if you get this far. Any advice would be appreciated!

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm sorry you're going through such a terrible time. I can't imagine how overwhelmed you must feel in light of everything that you're dealing with.
Advice is a tough one, but my first advice is that you should see a lawyer ASAP. You can likely get a free consultation and find out some of the details as far as your rights etc. Try to gather as much information as possible.
My other "advice" would be to offer a trial separation. Before my STBX and I really hit the skids I read a book called "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". I thought it was an interesting take on the concept of separation. I don't know what your particular situation is, and it sounds like your H is being quite evasive about his reasons for wanting to split, but it can't hurt to find a book like this one and pitch the idea.
Either way, it's vital that you take really good care of yourself at this time. Educate yourself, protect yourself, and indulge in a lot of self-care so that you will have the internal resources to come through this difficult time. We're here to support you.
I completely understand what you are experiencing right now. I am newly separated, at my request, but I still can't help but to feel a little down and out sometimes. My H and I were married for 6 years, but it was just time to let go.
Unfortunately you may have to come to grips with your H never telling you his reasons for the split. Nevertheless, you still have to continue to live your life. Most people may tell you to keep yourself distracted by not acknowledging the pain. But, I've found that you don't heal in that way. Nurture your hurt. Find ways in which you can eventually forgive him for his choice. Don't woulda, shoulda, coulda either. Focus on yourself and the role you played in your marriage. This may sound contradictory but it's not. My point is, allow yourself to hurt or cry (heck lately I tear almost everyday), but don't let it overwhelm/overtake you. Deal with the hurt but then take on other things that will keep you moving forward. Keep a journal, read stories and articles about how others have recovered from a break-up. Then, make a list of things that you can do with your boys,like thier favorite activities. Most importantly, make sure you take out time for yourself. Go to the movies alone. That's my new favorite thing. One thing that I've been making an effort to do is to hang out with family and friends more often. If I need to talk about what's happening they understand that and they are more than willing to listen. But again, let there be a balance. If all you talk about is your separation then they may not want to be around. Allow for other topics to permeate the conversation. It'll keep you from totally focusing on your H.
This comment you made actually bothered me:
"He does not understand why I am so angry one moment and so nice the next. I told him it is because of the mixed signals he gives me. He sends me e-mails, shows up at my son's school carnival and his baseball games acting like everything is great which makes me think maybe there is hope. However when we talk he is nowhere close to reconcilition and will not even consider giving it a second chance."
Your husband, regardless of how he is handling your marriage, realizes that he still has 2 boys that need him. He is separating your marital issues from his being their father. This is a must!! His coming around has nothing to do with wanting to torture you, from what I gather, but is for the sake of your sons. Which I think is commendable. No matter what happens in your marriage you both are still parents. He realizes this and seems to understand that how you two handle this separation will have a huge impact on how your sons will accept it. So when he comes to spend time with them - let him have that. Don't try to bring up your relationship. The reason I feel so strongly about this is because my H is the total opposite. He believes that a relationship with our children is based on whether or not we get back together. You can't imagine the pain this is causing my children. He has asked me to meet him for dinner a few times. He has yet to say, "I'm going to stop by and get the kids for a little while." This is very upsetting for me.
I know that this is a roller coaster that you may be dying to get off but it will get better but you have to take it a day at a time.
Take Care
This kind of behavior is as common as the cold. And it sucks! I have btdt! This stage is really really awful. My advice is take action; it helps. Start finding out about lawyers; find a women's center that might offer classes or support groups. Gather all financial information, including tax returns. Start imagining what you might want your life to look like on your own (do you really want the responsiblity for a house/yard for example). Read like crazy, especially about how it will impact the kids (Ahrons, Wallerstien and Heatherington of three big names) and suggest to your stbx (sorry that is hard for you to read) that you work with a child psychologist on a parenting plan.
That's how I deal -- I take action.
In the meantime ... the emotions run deep underneath.
I am in pain mostly for my innocent 5 yo and 6 yo dds -- who are completely blameless but who will forever be changed and hurt by this selfish act of their father's. Of course I will never ever say that to them -- gotta praise Daddy to the skies, don't ya know (blech).
Gl!
M
Hello Again! Sorry I have not been able to respond. I feel like I never have a moment to myself anymore. Anyway, I appreciate the feedback.
As for the comment regarding my feelings towards my H when he shows up to events acting all nice, it has nothing to do with him seeing the boys. Of course I want him to see the boys what I don't want is for him to act as if things are OK with us because they are not. It is not fair for him to think that I can pretend nothing has happend when I have only had less the 3 weeks to deal with the whole situation. Apparently he has had 2 years.
Anyway, I am doing pretty well considering all that has been dropped on me this month. I do have to say that I am a little resentful that I now feel like a single mother becuase he only sees the boys for a few hours each day when it is convenient for him and does not have to bother with any of the parenting duties. Hopefully once he gets settled into his apartment we can set a schedule for the boys so I can have some me time. He is currently staying at his sisters which I think he is going to tire of really fast. I just don't know where he is going to get the money to pay for an apartment and continue to help me pay for all our existing expenses. I guess I may have to consider selling the house afterall.
I did contact my son's school counselor to let her know what is going on and she had a good talk with him today so I feel like we are at least taking care of ourselves. I have not scheduled an appointment yet, but have plenty of friends to talk to.
The one thing that has been brought up to me by a few friends and even his sister is the thought that his new friend might be the one telling him that he should leave us but I will never know since he claims they are no longer speaking and that I can check the cell bill. I just don't know where our relationship went wrong. I feel like this isn't even my life anymore.
Thanks again for the feedback. I truly appreciate it and will keep checking the board to see if anyone else has any advice.