Sad and hopeless
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 5:41pm |
This is my first time posting. My life has just been turned upside down without warning. My husband has just told me that he is unhappy -- feels unloved, unappreciated and has for a very long time. We've been married for 15 years and have one daughter. It was always just the three of us together all the time. I understand why he feels this way. I worked and have a very good job and he stayed at home and took care of us and the house. I was wondering where this was coming from so I made a mistake and looked on his computer and found e-mails and photos of another woman. He insists it is only a friendship and that the e-mails didn't mean anything. Now I'm hurt. I've lashed out at him one too many times and now he says I should have to leave our house. At this point, I'm refusing because it is our house and feel that if he's the one that has decided it's over that he should leave. I'm willing to forgive him for everything if there was a glimmer of hope but I may have messed up one more time by losing my cool and getting upset. Now he is angry and getting angrier by the minute since I refuse to leave. I'm wondering if I leave and give him space is there a chance he would come back to me or am I just making it easy for him to move on. I also don't think it is fair that I should lose everything and have to go live on my mother's couch if he is the one who decided this. I just wonder what I can do to convince him we can work though this. It is just so hard because it hurts so much and I've only had a few days to deal with it.
I know from looking at these boards that so many of us are dealing with separation and that in the end I will survive. My problem is that every ounce of me wants to keep our life together and I'm afraid of every move I make will push him further away. I tried to tell him that I can change but then I freak out again. He hasn't said he wants to work on our marriage he just wants to work things out to keep the house since he wouldn't be able to make it without my salary. He wants our life but without me in it.
At this point I can't accept that.

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Oh, that last line ... that is me. The biggest cost of this divorce is that I am losing my sahm life with my children.
Ok, that's not my point ... my thoughts are: 1) don't move out if you are the bread winner; he could charge you with dissertion. 2) Get a lawyer and know your rights and responsibilities even if you do want to work on the marriage; 3) Collect all financial data so you know what your assets and liabilities are; 4) Start asking for referrals for a marriage counselor; 5) If you are religious at all, look at Retrouvaille, a marriage recovery program (Weekend away with follow up meetings; sponsored by the Catholic Church (non-Catholics go!); 6) Work really hard at keeping your cool, keeping the peace and if you need to vent, talk to girl friends who aren't intimately involved in your life as a couple, or journal, or come here.
It is reasonable for you to ask him for time to think this through and sort things out; you have your child's feelings to consider; an abrupt move out would not help your child. Give each other space at home; don't necessarily try to talk about it yet. If you aren't seeing an individual counselor I would do it -- you are gonna need to sort out your feelings and try to figure out what is real.
As for his "friend" -- where there is smoke there may be fire and it certainly is an indication there are real problems.
Finally, are you the sole breadwinner? If so, you will almost certainly owe him spousal support for a period of time while he re-tools and gets a job. Many divorces result in the sale of the family home simply because neither X can afford to keep it (we may, ultimately, be faced with that, sadly for my kids). So, he can't really expect to keep the house, although you may be able to figure out a way if it is important to both of you.
Please come on back and check in.
I hope you can work things out -- to end without openly discussing problems and trying to rectify them -- that would be too bad. Hope he can give it a try (from my observation, guys tend to keep it to themselves and decide it is over and announce it -- tough to save a marriage when they don't communicate, hunh?).
Hugs,
M
If he wants out then tell him to leave. If you are the breadwinner that is ridiculous he should ask you to leave.
This probably won't make you feel any better, but I have to wonder out loud -- why is it that it seems to mostly be the men who leave because *they* want something/someone else? Why are women more willing to compromise, adapt, even change in order to preserve and even improve the relationship?
Ok, that is probably a gross generalization, but from the time I have spent on this board that seems to be a pattern.
Women leave because of abuse, addictions, dereliction of duty (chronic unemployment), etc., but not generally because they think there are greener pastures.
Forgive me ... not helpful, I guess.
I feel your pain and I hope you can take care of yourself through this difficult time. By giving him space I don't mean being gone, I just mean minimizing interaction except for essential conversations involving logistics. That's what we do around here -- my stbx is scheduled to move out in 3-4 weeks.
M
I can't imagine going through this much longer. I've only had a few days to deal with it and feel like I can't go on. It must be so hard when you have young children. My daughter is 15 so I think it can be easier for her. He keeps asking me to leave the house and I'm trying with all my strength to stay. I went to see a lawyer yesterday for advice. He, and everyone else, tells me I can't leave the house. But I see him getting angrier which makes me think that I'm ruining our chance to be together again. What is wrong with me? Why can't the reality set in? The lawyer is trying to straighten me out by saying he's been out of the marriage a long time but I just still can't believe it.
Hopefully I won't cave and I'll stay strong through this. It really helps to know other people are going through the same feelings. At least I know it's not me going crazy.
Awe, hugs.
And he cannot lock you out. Literally, he can, but by law he can't if you co-own the house -- no way. Then you could possibly sue him for dessertion. Get a lawyer, pronto.
Hugs!
M
Be strong for yourself and your child - that is the best you can do.
I wish you the best. It sucks, but it's to know we're not alone! :)
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