Sad and hopeless

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
Sad and hopeless
18
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 5:41pm

This is my first time posting. My life has just been turned upside down without warning. My husband has just told me that he is unhappy -- feels unloved, unappreciated and has for a very long time. We've been married for 15 years and have one daughter. It was always just the three of us together all the time. I understand why he feels this way. I worked and have a very good job and he stayed at home and took care of us and the house. I was wondering where this was coming from so I made a mistake and looked on his computer and found e-mails and photos of another woman. He insists it is only a friendship and that the e-mails didn't mean anything. Now I'm hurt. I've lashed out at him one too many times and now he says I should have to leave our house. At this point, I'm refusing because it is our house and feel that if he's the one that has decided it's over that he should leave. I'm willing to forgive him for everything if there was a glimmer of hope but I may have messed up one more time by losing my cool and getting upset. Now he is angry and getting angrier by the minute since I refuse to leave. I'm wondering if I leave and give him space is there a chance he would come back to me or am I just making it easy for him to move on. I also don't think it is fair that I should lose everything and have to go live on my mother's couch if he is the one who decided this. I just wonder what I can do to convince him we can work though this. It is just so hard because it hurts so much and I've only had a few days to deal with it.

I know from looking at these boards that so many of us are dealing with separation and that in the end I will survive. My problem is that every ounce of me wants to keep our life together and I'm afraid of every move I make will push him further away. I tried to tell him that I can change but then I freak out again. He hasn't said he wants to work on our marriage he just wants to work things out to keep the house since he wouldn't be able to make it without my salary. He wants our life but without me in it.

At this point I can't accept that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nj_jen
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 8:38pm

Oh, that last line ... that is me. The biggest cost of this divorce is that I am losing my sahm life with my children.

Ok, that's not my point ... my thoughts are: 1) don't move out if you are the bread winner; he could charge you with dissertion. 2) Get a lawyer and know your rights and responsibilities even if you do want to work on the marriage; 3) Collect all financial data so you know what your assets and liabilities are; 4) Start asking for referrals for a marriage counselor; 5) If you are religious at all, look at Retrouvaille, a marriage recovery program (Weekend away with follow up meetings; sponsored by the Catholic Church (non-Catholics go!); 6) Work really hard at keeping your cool, keeping the peace and if you need to vent, talk to girl friends who aren't intimately involved in your life as a couple, or journal, or come here.

It is reasonable for you to ask him for time to think this through and sort things out; you have your child's feelings to consider; an abrupt move out would not help your child. Give each other space at home; don't necessarily try to talk about it yet. If you aren't seeing an individual counselor I would do it -- you are gonna need to sort out your feelings and try to figure out what is real.

As for his "friend" -- where there is smoke there may be fire and it certainly is an indication there are real problems.

Finally, are you the sole breadwinner? If so, you will almost certainly owe him spousal support for a period of time while he re-tools and gets a job. Many divorces result in the sale of the family home simply because neither X can afford to keep it (we may, ultimately, be faced with that, sadly for my kids). So, he can't really expect to keep the house, although you may be able to figure out a way if it is important to both of you.

Please come on back and check in.

I hope you can work things out -- to end without openly discussing problems and trying to rectify them -- that would be too bad. Hope he can give it a try (from my observation, guys tend to keep it to themselves and decide it is over and announce it -- tough to save a marriage when they don't communicate, hunh?).

Hugs,

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
In reply to: nj_jen
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:14am
He cannot MAKE you leave the marital home and yes as someone said DO NOT LEAVE.
If he wants out then tell him to leave. If you are the breadwinner that is ridiculous he should ask you to leave.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:29am
Thank you so much. It's hard to keep things bottled inside because your mind tends to go into crazy thoughts. It sure does help to get it out and hear from folks how have been through this and can give you advice. I was thinking about all the things you mentioned while trying to keep my cool. Keeping my cool is the hardest part. I'm calling today to make an appointment with a counselor and have started getting bank account information. I'm really hoping I can convince him to stay without pushing him away. My next tactic is to keep busy on my own and give him some space. My concern is that out of sight, out of mind. His reaction could go either way since part of the problem was my work schedule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 9:31am
Believe it or not I almost did leave. I thought it was all because of me. I'm really hoping to work things out because even this morning he said he feels he can be happier with someone else. Every ounce of me wants to stay together and show him I can be what he wants. I can make changes. I can forgive what he did even though it hurts so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nj_jen
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 11:42am

This probably won't make you feel any better, but I have to wonder out loud -- why is it that it seems to mostly be the men who leave because *they* want something/someone else? Why are women more willing to compromise, adapt, even change in order to preserve and even improve the relationship?

Ok, that is probably a gross generalization, but from the time I have spent on this board that seems to be a pattern.

Women leave because of abuse, addictions, dereliction of duty (chronic unemployment), etc., but not generally because they think there are greener pastures.

Forgive me ... not helpful, I guess.

I feel your pain and I hope you can take care of yourself through this difficult time. By giving him space I don't mean being gone, I just mean minimizing interaction except for essential conversations involving logistics. That's what we do around here -- my stbx is scheduled to move out in 3-4 weeks.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 7:59pm
It's all just a vicious cycle. I don't know how you've been able to bear it. I've only had a week to deal and I feel I can't do another day. He keeps begging me to leave. I know if I go I'll have a problem down the road so for now I have to plant myself and not budge. I'm just not sure what to do when I go to work. Hopefully it doesn't get ugly and he tries to lock me out. But I just have to toughen up. I can't continue being the weak and feable one and let him push me around. He's the one who did wrong not me. I want to feel anger and hate but all I feel is hurt and sadness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:35am
In so many ways I feel like I wrote your posts for you. This is my first post. I came to this board looking for women who may be going through this same painful situation or who have survived it. My husband decided after 6 years that I could not make him happy anymore. I found out a month after he left that he cheated with someone he met online. We too have a daughter and another daughter on the way :( I've been dealing with the same emotions as you for two months now. It is absolutely and emotional rollercoaster and I often feel like I'm losing my mind. Therapy has helped me sort out things a bit but it hasn't made it easier. One second I hate my husband and the next minute I want desperately to be with him and make "him" happy. I too want to save my marriage but my husband doesn't seem willing. I thought we had a good marriage. I'm sorry this is so long. I just felt like I knew you from reading your posts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 12:11pm

I can't imagine going through this much longer. I've only had a few days to deal with it and feel like I can't go on. It must be so hard when you have young children. My daughter is 15 so I think it can be easier for her. He keeps asking me to leave the house and I'm trying with all my strength to stay. I went to see a lawyer yesterday for advice. He, and everyone else, tells me I can't leave the house. But I see him getting angrier which makes me think that I'm ruining our chance to be together again. What is wrong with me? Why can't the reality set in? The lawyer is trying to straighten me out by saying he's been out of the marriage a long time but I just still can't believe it.

Hopefully I won't cave and I'll stay strong through this. It really helps to know other people are going through the same feelings. At least I know it's not me going crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: nj_jen
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 1:22pm

Awe, hugs.

And he cannot lock you out. Literally, he can, but by law he can't if you co-own the house -- no way. Then you could possibly sue him for dessertion. Get a lawyer, pronto.

Hugs!

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2007
In reply to: nj_jen
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:09pm
I am new to this board as well and I was so struck by your post that I wanted to respond. I found out on March 31 that my husband of 10 years has been having an affair with his boss. When I suspected something back in February and confronted him he assured me that they were just friends, that they relied on each other because both were having difficulties with their marriages but there was nothing more to it than that. Now he tells me that he is in love with her and wants a divorce. We too have 1 child, a daughter who is 8. He left on Apri 13 (Friday the 13th). I can't tell you that it gets any easier because I still throw up daily when I think of the two of them. I have lost 15 pounds since I discovered the affair, I hear a song on the radio and I burst into tears, I don't sleep, I don't eat, there is a constant ache and pain that I can't see ever going away. That said, I know if he were to walk through the door tomorrow I would take him back. Pathetic, I know. I will say this, I refused to leave our house and I refuse to give up our daughter. I know it sounds weak, but I had my sister come over the week I found out about the affair and tell him to back his bags and get out. I knew I wouldn't have had the strength to kick him out myself. What I'm saying is this: rely on whatever support network you have. I have had friends literally take my cell phone from me at night so that I won't call him. I don't know where you are as far as reconciliation, but I've learned not to trust a word that comes out of my husbands mouth. He spent Mother's Day with me and was with his girlfriend the next day. So now everytime I talk to him I tell myself that he is either with her, or he will be with her as soon as we are done talking. You have to get angry to start to heal. You're not ready for the anger yet, but eventually you will be and that will give you strength.
Be strong for yourself and your child - that is the best you can do.
I wish you the best. It sucks, but it's to know we're not alone! :)

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