Sad and hopeless
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| Sun, 06-03-2007 - 5:41pm |
This is my first time posting. My life has just been turned upside down without warning. My husband has just told me that he is unhappy -- feels unloved, unappreciated and has for a very long time. We've been married for 15 years and have one daughter. It was always just the three of us together all the time. I understand why he feels this way. I worked and have a very good job and he stayed at home and took care of us and the house. I was wondering where this was coming from so I made a mistake and looked on his computer and found e-mails and photos of another woman. He insists it is only a friendship and that the e-mails didn't mean anything. Now I'm hurt. I've lashed out at him one too many times and now he says I should have to leave our house. At this point, I'm refusing because it is our house and feel that if he's the one that has decided it's over that he should leave. I'm willing to forgive him for everything if there was a glimmer of hope but I may have messed up one more time by losing my cool and getting upset. Now he is angry and getting angrier by the minute since I refuse to leave. I'm wondering if I leave and give him space is there a chance he would come back to me or am I just making it easy for him to move on. I also don't think it is fair that I should lose everything and have to go live on my mother's couch if he is the one who decided this. I just wonder what I can do to convince him we can work though this. It is just so hard because it hurts so much and I've only had a few days to deal with it.
I know from looking at these boards that so many of us are dealing with separation and that in the end I will survive. My problem is that every ounce of me wants to keep our life together and I'm afraid of every move I make will push him further away. I tried to tell him that I can change but then I freak out again. He hasn't said he wants to work on our marriage he just wants to work things out to keep the house since he wouldn't be able to make it without my salary. He wants our life but without me in it.
At this point I can't accept that.

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At first I blamed myself and now I'm starting to feel angry. I talked to a lawyer and know that I don't have to leave. He found out I got a lawyer and now he's changed his tune. At first he was saying he wants me to leave and he could be happy with someone else and now all of a sudden it says it's my choice if we should work it out?!
I don't know if I can believe anything now. I'm so confused (but still getting angry). I'm going to see a counselor on Monday and hope that she can give me some sanity and tell me that I'm not crazy. I don't know what to feel and don't know what to think.
How can they hurt us so bad? Will it be worth it for them in the end?
We all need to hang tough and try to get through things better and stronger.
I certainly have no desire to get in the middle of your difficult situation, sir, but if you really read my original response, you would see I encouraged your wife to work on the marriage; enter counseling, even try retrouvaille and too keep her cool. I also offered practical suggestions so she was acting responsibly with regard to her finances etc. if a divorce did become inevitable.
I am very sorry you are both experiencing trouble in your marriage. It is a tragedy mostly for your child.
For your child's sake, I hope you can both work on your relationship and maybe save your marriage.
M
"My husband has just told me that he is unhappy -- feels unloved, unappreciated and has for a very long time" (your wifes words)
Those words to a woman is absolutely devastating after all you have been thru. I know, I have been the woman hearing those words after 31 years of marriage. Could it be you didn't really listen when she tried to talk to you. My personal experience may be different, but I to have worked while h stayed home. In the end all our problems were my fault - even though I was the sole provider, cook, maid, yard person and playmate. In the end h ripped out my heart by saying he wasn't happy any more, that our marriage had been over for several years as far as he was concerned.
It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to end it. I have hung on for over a year waiting for an apology or explanation. I moved out 10 months ago, and see h several times a week. Why? I guess I need the grief, but I am working on getting over it. I will not be codependent any more. I can and will be happy without h if he doesn't want me. Even if he decides he does want me, how am I ever supposed to trust him with my heart again?? You don't want your wife, so why not let her find friendship and support wherever she can. Oh, yeah, there's that thing so many men have about not wanting their "woman" to be able to survive or be happy without them. Well, guess what, we can and we will. And what will you do if she not financially supporting you?? My h is about to find out too, maybe you 2 could get together and have a pity party. After all the sacrifices you made, being home while we worked and all, I do feel sorry for you both.
Thanks to everyone for their understanding. Sorry about the "angry husband" message. He must have gotten on my computer. I am in a very confused state right now but do realize I need to be guarded and protect myself and my daughter from any more hurt.
I understand how and why things like this happen and am still hoping to work on things. Unfortunately the trust isn't there anymore. The things he did damaged me so much.
In the end I don't know what I'll do. I need to get beyond the hurt and disappointment so I can think clearly.
Don't think that you can win him back if you move out. Once you're gone, he'll have everything the way he wants it and will have no interest in working things out. You need to stay and protect your interests and be there for your daughter. Being 15 is hard enough, but to be living with all this mess has to be just devastating to her.
Your husband needs to get out of the house and get a job. Your daughter is old enough to take care of herself and doesn't need a stay at home parent anymore. He would feel much less isolated if he had a job.
I suspect that he may have someone else already. He's had plenty of time to form this sort of attachment, hasn't he?
Remember, even though you are feeling your weakest, you need to be very strong or you will spend many years regretting it. Don't move out. Don't move out. Don't move out. Tell him you aren't going anywhere, and that he can leave if he wants to separate.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
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