Sad, confused, feeling alone
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| Mon, 08-06-2007 - 7:12am |
HI,
I had a tough weekend, and my kids have all lashed out... I'm so sad for them and sorry for the hurt that I've caused them by asking for this separation from my H. He is hurt, they are hurt, and they cry together.
I don't know how to help them understand that I didn't want to hurt everyone, but I knew it would hurt, and that I was unhappy and becoming bitter in my marraige so I decided to end it.
I have an long distance friend that I have been talking to on a bit, and although his converstations make me feel better, not only about the issues in my marraige that we talk about, but he also seems to understand me and connect with me. Even that is hard and scary, but I feel compelled to talk to him - I'm not ready for it to go into a sudo relationship, but that seems to be where it is heading. It helps when I am sad, angry and confused about things because he has been through much of the same issues. He left his wife for much of the same reasons I am leaving mine and in that I feel a certain support that I don't get anywhere else.
My Daughter saw a text from him - "I'm thinking of you too" - needless to say my husband and I have been "talking" about that for the last 3 days. I understand the implications that surround it. I am still living in the same house as my H because we decided to live there until we can get it sold. I'm hoping that I can get it on the market in about 2 weeks.
Many of my friends are not being MY frieds really anymore, and I live across the country from my family. I have a very small handfull 3 - 4 people that I feel that I can talk to, if they are available. I need to change that up. I'm sad abuot it, but know taht I need to do that.
I start a part time job (I also work full time 8 - 5) in order to save enough money to get myself an appartment when the house sells. - adn then hopefully save money to buy a house after the year separation or so is done. I'm hoping that living away from our house, having a new part time job and a new apt. will change my environment enough that I will make some new good friends. That are not in the same circle of friends that I've had with my H for so many years. And maybe those old friendships will come back around in a few years.
My one girlfriend said I shoud just keep being a good example for my daughter and kids as I have always aimed at being, but I thing being that good example will mean seriously cutting back on taling to my new friend online whom has been so supportive and helpful. I don't want our friendship to become an emotional affair either, and in this path, I'm afraid it might be taking that turn. I'm just not sure I'm ready for that and I'm not sre if it is a good idea given the circumstances of where I am in my separation. I like this person very much, I find the words he says to be so grounded and helpful and I am drawn to continue. but a part of me says I need to take a break from it - to regather myself and then maybe go back to our converses later in the year, after the house is sold adn I'm in an appartment. If a connection is meant to be - then I think it will handle that, and the "spark" will ocme back at that time.
I don't think many people understand that this was the hardest decision I've ever made. It realy hurts for so many reasons, mostly because of the pain that my kids feel.
I'm so grateful for this board.
Suzi

Suzi,
I can relate to your situation. It sounds very like mine in many ways except that I don't have any children, but the emotions are the same. Its hard to be the one who has to make the decision to leave because it does hurt people you care about, and it hurts you. What the victims of our decision don't realize is that none of us in this situation wanted to have to do this, its just that it eventually gets to a point where the pain of staying is worse then the pain of going, and its seems so unfair to have to be the one to cause pain when you feel like you've put up with so much over the years. The pain it causes is so dramatic that it seems to cause a strange evening out of the score that can sometimes cause you to doubt your reasons. "Oh, sure he hasn't been very fair/kind/attentive (insert whatever adjective fits) to me over the years but look at all the pain I'm causing, I must not be much better." This is probably why you are concerned over your relationship with your online friend. Chances are he has been somewhat a catalyst in your decision to leave, whether you've admitted it to your family or not. These types of things usually are. However, its not fair to say he's caused any of this. All he did, by being understanding and listening to you, was to cause you to start thinking in terms of solutions to your unhappiness rather then simply how to bare it. If it hadn't have been him, it would have been something else eventually (like this board for example).
The thing is you sound very resolved. You sound like you've thought this out carefully and really made the best decision you could given the circumstances and you want to do this as fairly as possible to all involved (knowing that it can never be 100% fair to anyone). It seems like it is important to you to get out of this marriage with dignity and with as little bad will towards you as possible, because of this it probably is the right thing for you to put this friendship on hold, at least until you are well and truly seperated. I think if you thank your friend for all the help he has given you and explain that even though you value his friendship and will miss it, that your family knows about your friendship and is not reacting well to it right now, and for your childrens sake you need to take some time off from talking with him until you've gotten them through the worst of it. I think he will understand.
What will be important for you though is to make sure you do have some support to help you through this, because it sounds like right now he's it. If you aren't going to see a counsler right now, find one. If your insurance doesn't pay for it call around because many will work on a sliding scale. Just make sure to search for a good one. Don't waste any time going to one who you don't connect with and who doesn't seem to understand you or is telling you what you should do. Sometimes you'll have to visit two or three before you find one that can help you. This person can listen and be understanding to your situation, can give you things to think about to help you through this and all without draining a friends energy or risking an inappropriate (for the time being) emotional attachment.
My friend and family situation is exactly like yours, family is far away and so are all my close friends. I've one friend in town who isn't connected to my husband, but I'm certain the minute I leave I will lose all of the others. Its pretty scary, though its a lesson to me, I should never have let it get like this. You will make new friends if you make it a priority to do so.
Also, I just want to say that you sound strong and what you are doing is very brave. And I really believe that to have a great life you need to be courageous and take these hard steps.
Good luck with everything.
First thank you so much for such understandig words.
I have to make this short as I am no a short break at work.
My longdistant friend has not been the catilyst for my leaving, he has just been such a wonder support and reassurance and has become someone important in my life. He has been a God send. I am afraid of the feelings taht are creeping up and simply need to keep that at bay for the time being.
I just made an appt with my therapist I had seen a few months ago before I told my H that I wanted to separate. I have it today.
I also contacted a couple of my friends who have been very loving, but we haven't had an opportunity to spend time, I asked them if we could start spending some social time togheter. They are a couple fo girls I met at work.
I am hoping that this will help me adn help my family deal with the support I am getting and one day, if I can connect with my oline friend again, they will be more ready for it.
Thank you soooo much!
S
Can you also see that your children are offered therapy and support? You didn't mention how old they were, but if they are old enough to know you have a "friend" and understand why that might be a problem, they are old enough to need outside counseling.
I think that if divorce is truly in the best interest of your children, not just your own, they will see that at some point. Once we have kids, we give up the right to put ourselves first, and telling ourselves that our children are better off because we are better off is often wishful thinking. Of course, only you can make the decision about whether leaving your marriage is the right thing to do for all of you, and I'm sure you've given it exhaustive thought.
Best of luck to you and your family in these difficult times.
Cat
Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7
Thanks for the good advice. My family has only questioned the idea of this person being a "friend" - i have explained to them that he is one of a few people I have met at an online support group for separation and divorce. I think that they accept that, as they know he does not live in our state.
As for couceling for my kids, If they want to go, I will certainly support that. they are17, 18 and 20. My 17 yr old has access to free couceling at school which she has taken advantage of in the past year or so for her own issues. She is pretty aware of her emotions and will ask for help if she needs it. (typically) at this time we are at such a sensitive time that bringing up difficult things (like bearing all you deepest thoughts and fears to someone is a little overwhelming). But in time, I have no doubt that she will ask for the help when she is ready.
thanks for your advice, as all is welcome, and helpful.
S
Well said.
To the OP, please constantly be thinking about what is best of your whole family when making your decisions. Definitely make counseling available to your children. I am sure this is very tough.
M