Sad lil me..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sad lil me..
6
Fri, 03-25-2005 - 11:56pm

Oh well. Today I got news in the mail... my hearing for the divorce is May 12th. I guess that stomps all my hopes for him to decide he wants to be with me. Our apartment is gone at the end of April (we've been seperated for two months so I haven't been there anyway) but after April we wouldn't of even had a place to live together anyway. I guess I was stupid to think he'd come crawling back - he wanted to get away from me, because I argued to much... yelled at him, was a total psycho bitch... but that's really not fair. I guess I need to get myself together and figure out what to say to the Judge. I don't even know what to expect... oh well, sometimes I just wanna die. Life truly sucks for me.. all I do is go to work, come home and listen to my parents tell me how I don't work hard enough. I dont even know if I could live somewhere by myself though.. I really am to needy and I dont see how anyone's ever going to love me. Rick was my bestfriend before we started dating.. I had known him for three years........ and now..... it's over. Ugh.

I'm over stressed. Today is day five out of nine without a day off.. Walmart's killing me... there is the Subway guy but there's no hope for that.. one of them is married and the other is just as screwed up as me I guess. One day he's nice and talkitive the next he acts like I dont even exsist.. mom said that maybe my husband is waiting on me to mention that I want to be with him but she doesn't know why I'd want that. I guess there isn't any reason.. he's assured me that he doesn't love me anymore. Oh well. I guess I'll just go cry myself asleep again tonight. No one seems to care. They just don't talk about it... which I guess that's okay. Ugh now I'm rambling.. I'm going to bed.

Life's a bitch and then you die.

Goodnight. Happy Easter.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 9:12am

damagedxgoods...


Re-read your post very carefully.....and you will see why you have to deal with your own issues FIRST!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 11:02am

Thanks for the reply however I don't exactly know how to 'deal with my issues' because I'm not sure what they are. All I do know is that the person I loved enough to MARRY never gave it a second thought about divorcing me. I'm really not worried about him though he can go to hell and burn for all I care. My other issues... I was use to having my own place, doing whatever I wanted and now I'm stuck at my parents house again listening to how I don't do anything right and how they want to know my every step in the world. Also I have to listen to their financial problems like its my fault and how I have to give them money all the friggin time and save my money incase they need it because neither of them have a job. "Oh Nikki you bought a graphic card for your computer?! What if we die who's going to take care of your little brother if you are spending all your money?" It just gets to me I guess. Depression is definately lurking into my life full force but no one wants to talk about that. They tell me to 'snap out of it' and 'get over it' and 'move on' like its so damn easy. I used to self-harm, cut myself a few years ago when I was with a different guy.. he'd tell me that if I ever left him he'd kill me and my whole family (even my dog) and it took three years of my life to finally get the nerve. I started dating my longtime friend and I stopped cutting because he made me happy.. I'm hoping that I've grown past that because I've only cut once since we seperated and it didn't give me the same feelings as when I used to do it but lately I've been considering. I just don't want to go back down that destructive path anymore.

Blah blah. Oh well. Also when it comes to 'seeing someone' or 'dating'. I don't even know the guys name and even though I'm still 'married' that doesn't mean I can't talk to another person. I haven't talked to my POS 'husband' in two months, he told me that he didn't love me anymore - I really think it's okay if I just make conversation with a guy. Don't think for once second that my husband isn't out there screwing up some other girls life as I write. Oh well, thanks for listening.

Nikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2005
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 8:09pm
Nikki,
I am SO sorry that you are hurting so much! My situation is different than yours, but I'm familiar with the shock and the pain. My husband of 28 years left 2 months ago, with no second thoughts about divorcing me, also. I had no clue that it was going to happen. Your depression is what you need to work on first. Taking care of that will help give you the strength to deal with everything else and move on with your life. I understand that money may be a problem right now, but is it possible for you to see a doctor and get some medication for anxiety and for depression? That is what I did and it helped a lot. Don't give in to the urge to cut yourself! You conquered that once and going back to it would be a big mistake! I don't have a lot of wisdom for you, but I am worried about you. Another thing you might do is look up any Divorce Care groups in your area. They are usually held at churches. Even if you don't go to church, they will welcome you and give you support. Please write to this board again and let us know how you are doing.
Diane
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Sat, 03-26-2005 - 10:56pm

I've been in almost the same exact situation as you are describing. My ex told me that I argued/yelled all the time, he called me a psycho-b**ch, etc. It all hit me really hard. To top it all off, he decided that me and our daughter just wasn't "enough" for him, and he turned to many many many other women.

My divorce was final earlier this month, and it still hurts. I go to school, go to work, and come home. Sometimes it feels a little mundane, but life goes on. You need to take it one single day at a time, and sooner or later, the pain will subside.

Don't beat yourself up so much. Try and learn to accept the things that you can't change, and learn from your past mistakes and/or experiences.

As for talking to other people, I see nothing wrong with it. As a matter of fact, I kinda dated a guy that I had known in high school a couple of months after I filed for divorce. He knew my situation, and he knew that I wasn't ready or looking for a relationship. I just needed a friendly shoulder to lean on, and someone to show me some positive attention for once. It helped keep my mind of things.....

I know it's hard, but I promise it will get easier. There are days that I just want to cry b/c I wish my marriage had worked out, and then there are others when I realize that my life is going to better off w/out my ex. And remember, you are not alone. You have friends and family that love you, and to top it all off....you've got the people on this board that will offer lots of advise and lots of hugs to help you through your situation.

Best of Luck,
Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-1999
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 6:04am

Sometimes in life, a person sees a situation where they can really say: "I know how you feel." My stbx-wife and I have been separated for 18 months. The first few months left me feeling kind of numb, but eventually the pain and sadness hit me full force. I would read posts on this board saying that things will get better over time, and I just couldn't imagine life ever being good again. I'm getting better, though, and in some ways I'm actually looking forward to my future. There's still a way to go emotionally, but I'll add my name to the list of those saying to hang in there, you'll feel better eventually.

Interestingly, today is the day for our court hearing. Like you, until the time I received the notice of the date, I kept wondering if my wife would call me to talk, to try to work things out. I didn't want the divorce...still don't. But, here I sit at my computer, preparing to get dressed and head out for the hearing. All denial of what is really happeing is over for me. In a way, I'm relieved. If it's over, it's over. Time to get on with my life.

My heart goes out to you. I know this sounds trivial right now, but hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 11:11am

Thanks the the reply. I guess it really does just take 'one day at a time'. I remember when all this first started I would cry every night while I drove home from work. That's better better for me at least, I only cry once in a great while when life gets overbarring. While I was married I cried everyday because my husband made me feel like he didn't care what I did, where I went, if I lived or died.. he didn't want to talk to me, touch me or even comfort me because "he was the reason I was so sad." Oh well. That's all in the past and maybe one day someone will come along who loves me and wants to make me happy and spend time with me. My STBX wanted to hang out with his friends EVERY day he was off from work and when I started B**ching about it he stopped hanging out with them but he wouldn't even spend time with me, just sit at the house, play computer games - watch TV. He just really sucks and I hate him. Oh well.

Again thank you all for your replys. MANCREATURE - I wish you strength and luck with your divorce as well as everyone else on this board. My court date is May 12th (and I am thankful because if I would have had to wait six months instead of four the court date would have been on my birthday ;( ) Oh well. I guess it'll be over soon.. I just never thought we'd get a divorce... I wish I would have been smarter and not married him but that's hind-sight.. so we will all try to move on together. Thanks again!

Nikki