sadly separated

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
sadly separated
2
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:58pm
Hello,
I have written on this site before.
Last winter, when I wrote here last, I was living with my husband in Florida, next to my mother in law. I had made some mistakes in my marriage, and my husband and my mother in law sort of turned against me. My husband had always been critical, but now things were much worse. My husband would not give me any money(due to my past overspending problem),and I was not allowed to order anything in the mail, or even get the mail. If I did anything my mother in law did not approve of, she would report it to my husband. And, my mother in law sat down with me, with a long list of everything she thought I did wrong.
In February, my husband asked for a "trial separation". He also told me that my mother in law did not want me there anymore. (She owns the land and trailer where my husband and I were living.) My husband also told me that I was selfish, and didn't know how to "be a wife."
So, in March, I moved back to stay with my family here in Maine. It has been a real struggle here,too, because my family has alot of problems of their own. But, the worst thing is that I have been heartbroken over being so far away from my husband and 14 year old daughter, who chose to stay with her father. I have also been overwhelmed with guilt, over all the mistakes that I made in my marriage. I really fell apart, having anxiety attacks and crying every day. It has been so bad, that I had to go on medication a month ago.
But, my husband has not communicated with me these last 3 months, except for one phone call 2 weeks ago. He told me he was reading a book that was really helping him, and he wanted me to read it, too. But, he did not ask me how I had been doing, or anything like that. It was like I was talking to some friend that I was not too close to, not my husband of 17 years.
Despite how bad things have been with my husband, I would like to start communicating with him again, on a regular basis.
Should I try to do that, or should I wait, and give him his space some more?
I am hurting, because my husband does not seem to be very interested in communicating with me right now. Should I still try to talk to him, at least a little?
My husband and I have been together for 23 years, and married for 17 years. I really don't want to give up on my marriage yet.
I would someone to talk to, to help me through all this. Thank you,
Jennie
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
In reply to: jen452006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 7:02pm

Thank you for writing to me.

I am really shy, so I do not have any friends, outside of my family. I am staying with my family in Maine right now, but I feel out of place here, and uncomfortable alot. My mom has been very supportive, but my family here is very dysfuntional, and they have alot of problems of their own.
I am trying to find a way to move back to Florida, back where my husband and daughter and grown son are. I at least want to be near my kids again, even if my husband won't take me back. I am worried that I won't find a way to do that, though.
I do want to try to work things out with my husband again eventually. I have been trying to decide if I should try to open up communication with him again, or just leave him alone for longer.

Thank you for listening,
Jennie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
In reply to: jen452006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:23pm

I too spent a lot of time having anxiety attacks and crying over the "separation" with my H of over 31 years. I was the one that left, due to his verbal and emotional abuse, anger, and "self medicating". He is disabled because of his acute chronic back pain which he's had for 26 years. I've been on my own for 11 months now. It does get easier, but each of us will get thru this in our own time. There is no set timetable for grieving the loss of your marriage. That's where you are now - grieving.

It finally dawned on me that all the communication we've had over the past year or so was when I initiated it. Well, for me, that's not working any more. If this marriage is dead, as H stated before I moved out, and he doesn't want to talk to me any more, I can learn to live with that, and so can you. Not having that person in our lives is a hard habit to break, but I believe there is a purpose to it all. I've been reading and working with "Codependent No More", and refer to another great book "As Silver Refined" quite often.

Keep posting, and look for survivors where you are now. I know about families: mine put the dis in disfunctional.

H & I lived on family farm, in a trailer away from the main house. His Mom got alzheimers and his siblings decided she didn't have a problem - we were the problem. Of course being the closest she accused us of all kinds of stuff. We had to leave the farm, and moved in with a "friend" who happens to be female. H is still there almost 8 years later. I do not believe they are intimate, but it was time for me to move on and away from being the maid, lawn person, cook, and all around servant. Life is so much more peaceful now.

God will provide for your needs, all you have to do is ask with a humble heart.

Hang in there, daughter will eventually want to talk to Mom!!