SAHM - I need advice on how to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
SAHM - I need advice on how to leave
8
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 4:28pm

My H and I are currently in IT & MC but, probably to his surprise, this is making me more sure that I have been in complete denial about the level of abuse in our marriage. WHOLE other story. Anyway, one of the biggest things that is holding me back from leaving is that I have been a SAHM of 2 small children. I do work about 10-12 hours / week for my FIL but my husband is the one who pays for everything. Worse than that, the money I managed to save he used to invest in a company with some of his other family members. I am the saver he is the spender. We had a lot of debt that I've been slowly chipping away at but almost nothing in savings that isn't in a 401k, stocks, whatever. Bottom line, I've crunched the numbers and am not at all opposed to working (I'm actually looking forward to feeling like I can be independent) but I can't see how I'm going to support myself and pay for full-time daycare. It costs a fortune! Besides that I'm very concerned about not only having my children go through a divorce, but then having them deal with their mother, who has been home from day one, gone everyday. I am really struggling and have no idea if there is a solution other than sticking it out for a while but I'm not sure that will be possible given how bad things are getting between H & I. ANY advice would be greatly appreciated.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 5:46pm

Solo,

Hi. Without knowing the nature of the abuse you suffer in your marriage, I have the following advice:

First, and foremost, be well-informed about your rights and responsibilities in the event of a divorce. The best source of this is a divorce attorney. I would research and visit with one as soon as feasible simply to arm yourself with a better knowledge of what is involved legally and what you may be responsible for in the event your marriage ends in divorce. And keep this to yourself. Don't tell your husband this or discuss it with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 8:55pm

Wait, I am confused here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 11:11pm

The way I read that post I thought she was being facetious, and didn't take it literally, but I guess we shall see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 01-06-2012 - 11:16pm

I agree w/ all of wisdomtooth's advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2012
Sat, 01-07-2012 - 8:30am
The vacation houses etc are not my husbands (yet). His family is very wealthy. Most of our current debt is from several new property investment firms that him and some of his other family members started. For tax reasons he often carries debt on these investments. Recently, I have been pretty insistent that my name actually be listed in the LLC's. Up until then it was always "oh well we're married so it's implied ownership" uh huh...... Anyway, I really am not that concerned about "standard of living" in the sense that I want him to support me for the rest of my life. I just want my kids to be able to stay in THEIR home (and that is almost how I think of it now). If it ends up I have no choice I will work full-time although it would be impossible at this point to come close to my husbands income. I'm not going to lie, this is one of the things I'm so angry about. I graduated from college and had a pretty good job. But WE thought that being able to have me raise our children was the best thing for them. I don't reget that but I'm getting this attitude that I'm some kind of gold-digger. I gave up my job and all the years of contacts, experience, and benefits that go along with a career. No one paid me a dime for working 24 / day and I've seen what quality childcare costs. It's pretty expensive. But I'm trying to get over this because being angry hasn't helped so far. I just handed over my independence to the wrong person.

I do want to add that he is not physically abusive. I'm not minimizing what has happened (although my T has helped me understand that's exactly what I be been doing all along) but I honestly don't fear for my physical well-being. My fear is that if I don't keep at T and talking to people who have "been there" this cycle will never stop and my children will believe this is what love looks like.
Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 01-07-2012 - 7:47pm

We can only take what's posted here at face value.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2012
Sat, 01-14-2012 - 11:55pm
Can I just add that there is never some kind of guarantee that I will walk away with anything. Especially when I would have to fight attorneys hired by people who afford could drag out court battles for years.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 12:20pm

First of all, in my state, divorces can't drag out for years because the courts operate on a schedule--they make you come in and there will definitely be a final trial date.