SAHM/WAHM = Screwed
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| Tue, 08-16-2005 - 12:36pm |
So, STBX & I went to court this morning. Unbeknownst to me, he retained a lawyer (which my lawyer said was a good idea, since the court usually favors those without a lawyer). This lawyer STBX & I had used in the past for a legal matter with our business. Well, I guess the guy specializes in criminal law, but does other legal work as well. Anyway, we get in to the conference room, and STBX's lawyer says, "Oh, I think $50 a week is fine, plue he pays the mortgage." My lawyer and I were NOT impressed.
I have health issues, and I am unable to work for a year or so, until I can get them resolved. I can do some work at home, but with my health condition, I can only do about 1/2 hour a day. I can do more, but it pushes my health to the limit, and then I'm exhausted for 3 days. So I have to limit myself to 1/2 hour a day just to manintain. So, I got a letter from the doctor who had diagnosed me with this condition (adrenal exhaustion), explaining the condition, and how she's treated me for the past 3 years, and how the extreme stress at home had prpbably made the symptoms much worse. STBX's lawyer made some catty comment about "Oh I get tired by noon too, but I work." This isn't just "tiredness"-- I've struggled mightily with this condition for 6 years, and I wish it was just "tiredness". Last year, the stress from STBX's drinking and attitidue caused to me have a MAJOR, SIGNIFICANT relapse, which ended up with me so exhausted that I was in bed for a month. I am STILL recovering, and may be for the next year or so.
STBX's lawyer was SO adversarial I could have spit nails at him. What a pompous jerk. He insinuated that I don't contribute ANYTHING to the household, and NEVER have. I told STBX when we were alone that I didn't appreciate the attitude from his lawyer. I have worked for my aunt, cleaning cottages in the summer (so I could be available to my kids during the school year), cleaning my uncle's house, cleaning BIL's house, last fall I worked part-time at an ice cream stand, and would have LOVED to go back to work there, only the health issues made it impossible. I also work hard with my own home-based business of chair caning and seat weaving, and I've totalled up my receipts for the 7 years that I have records for, and it's over $10,000.-- last year with almost $5,000 in business. I have also worked FREE OF CHARGE doing secretarial/office work for STBX's and my storage business. Yes, STBX made the majority of the money inthe household, but I carried the family emotionally for almost 20 years, foregoing an "outside" career to raise my kids, try to work on a marriage with an alcoholic who only plays at saying he'll quit when he's scared and it's convenient for him because he wants me to drop the divorce; I never went outside the marriage, but he was the one out drinking, blowing our $$$$ on his 5 cars, and I get screwed with expensive health problems and his lawyer's offer of $50. per week to feed my kids. STBX just sat there and said nothing while his lawyer belittled me. I tell you, it is not fair if you've stayed home with your kids-- your contribution in that way is considered insignificant, because you can't put a dollar sign on it. My lawyer pointed out the unfairness of the "offer" to STBX's lawyer.
So, we left the court with things left up in the air. I need to call my MD to have her send in some sort of note about my health (the note from the naturopath isn't considered valid, since naturopathy isn't a licensed practice in Massachusetts. I can also get a note from my chiro, who diagnosed me with fibromyalgia... I just don't know what to do. My lawyer hasn't mentioned STBX's drinking, or the issues we've had with him not using the car seat, etc.
If anyone has advice, I'm open to suggestions.
Thanks,
Susie Y

Ok, I'm feeling better now. I spoke with a dear friend, and he gave the following GREAT advice:
#1, I need to find out if my caning business was on our joint tax return. If not, I need to pay back taxes on that. I'd be happy to. I don't want STBX's lawyer getting a jump on that. If I didn't pay taxes, then STBX is responsible for 50% of the taxes, since he benefitted from that income.
#2. I own 50% of our businesses. STBX took the money from that, I did not. So, if we split that business income 50-50, out of HIS 50%, he will have to pay child support. I have bought supplies, worked without a paycheck (compiling research to initially open the business, monthly invoices, payments, ads, bank, etc., so I am entitled to more that a crappy $50. per week.
#3. The 150K loan that we took out in 2002 for the storage business and paying off the car and getting home repairs (remodel the bathrooms) done: STBX DID NOT USE the line of credit to fix the house. The ONE repair we did at the time, he did it himself-- we put in wood floor in our bedroom. He waited until 2004, when the toilet bolts rusted through and we had a flood to fix the bathroom. Where did the money for the reapir go? For his racing hobby?
#4. The racing hobby that he claims is the kids' hobby. He hasn't taken them in years, and when he did take them, it was to watch OTHERS race their cars. He has 5 cars-- 1 truck, 2 race cars, one muscle car, and a sedan.
#5. When we could have used the money to buy supplies to repair the house, he spent at least 1K to buy a car from my cousin-- the muscle car in #4. Add on the cost of restoring the car too.
#6. We decided that I would stay at home to care for the family, and to help with the business. He can't now decide that I was "mooching" off him.
#7. The aprtment he is staying in belongs to the business. He is staying there rent-free, and permit-free. He owns 50%, of the business, I own the other 50%. IF we rented the apartment out to someone else, I would be entitled to 50% of that. He owes me for 50% of the rent he should be paying to the business for the rent.
#8. The lawyer that he had meet him at the courthouse was in fact a lawyer that WE had for the business. Is it ethical for him to represent STBX if he was MY lawyer at one time? Is there a conflict of interest? Is it in the best interest of justice if he represents STBX?
Any thoughts? I plan on emailing my lawyer with these concerns. I WILL NOT ALLOW his lawyer to railroad me out of what is rightfully mine with some INSULTING and CONDESCENDING "offer".
Susie Y
This is what I wrote to my lawyer-- I emailed her last night:
Hi H,
I was thinking about today's court session, and I have some serious concerns.
1. STBX's attorney was OUR business attorney in 2002 when we were opening the storage business. Is it ethical for him to represent STBX if he was my attorney once? Is it in the best interest of justice if he is STBX's lawyer because of our past involvement? I am quite dismayed by Attorney P's condescending and insulting attitude and "offer".
2. Another urgent matter that I'd like to address ASAP is taxes on my caning business. I don't know if STBX claimed them on our joint income taxes. If he did not, then I would like to pay them, and I believe STBX would be responsible for 50%, as he benefitted from the added income.
3. I am repelled by their offer of $50. per week. I am 50% owner of the businesses, and I believe that I am entitled to 50% of the income from them. STBX took money from the businesses, I did not. I have worked for the storage business from 2002, when *I* did the research on the laws and software, prepared and mailed the invoices every month (even when I was in bed for a month last November), wrote letters, set up websites, went to the bank, created ads, went to the paper to place the ads, etc. I have helped STBX set up the U-Haul business, and have instructed him on how to operate the computer, as well as maintained and defragged his computer, and bailed him out of computational crises on more than one occasion.
4. When we got married, I was pregnant, and 19. We decided that I'd stay home with our family, and to help with the business, as STBX didn't want to leave the business site for ANYTHING, so I did the banking, delivered parts, or answer phones, etc. He and his lawyer can't decide NOW that I am mooching off of STBX and and not entitled to my fair share of the marital and business assets.
5. The apartment STBX is staying in rent-free belongs to the business. He is staying there without paying rent, without a certifiacte of occupancy, or building permits for the remodeling that he has undertaken. If we rented the apartment to a third party, I believe I would be entitled to 50% of the income from the rental. Does he owe me 50% of the rent he should be paying to the business?
6. The loan and line of credit that we took out in 2002 was was in part to make repairs on the house, specifically the BATHROOMS. He never did this, and in fact put in new hardwood floors with a portion of the money. In 2004, the bolts in the hall bathroom had corroded so much that it caused a major leak, and we were FORCED to make repairs on the bathroom. In 2005, we finally remodeled the master bath. Where did the rest of the money go? To finance his car hobby?
7. He claims that his racing hobby is the KIDS' hobby. DS was/is too young to be left alone while he raced his car, and so DS did not go to see him race. He has not taken them to the races in years, and when he did take them, it was to watch OTHERS race their cars.
8. When we could have used the money to make repairs on the house, STBX bought my cousin JR's muscle car, which was in pieces. I believe he spent over $1200 on the car, and I'm sure spent more to finish restoring it.
9. When are we going to address the neglect of the house, STBX's issues with alcohol, his inappropriate comments in front of the children, emotional abuse, and the car safety issues? It seemed like Attorney P felt it was a free-for-all at my expense, when he ought to be addressing his client's own personal issues, and how his client plans to rectify them.
Like I said, I would especially like to find out if my caning business is 100% kosher as far as taxes are concerned. I'm sure Attorney P would make an issue out of it, and I want it to be legal.
Please call me so we can schedule a time to discuss these matters.
Thanks,
Susie Y
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
STBX has been very lucky, and has never been arrested for OUI/DWI. His brother, sister and father have all been arrested for driving drunk. I had to have the cops out in March because STBX decided to replace beer with coffee, and drank 10 or so large (16oz.+) cups of 7-11 regular coffee during the day, and had a meltdown. We'd been working on building the vanity for the bathroom, and he'd assembled the vanity drawer incorrectly. I knew it was assembeld incorrectly because my son and I had just built a filing cabinet that used the exact kind of fasteners. STBX didn't know how they worked, so just fudged his way along. He put the drawer on the bed, and younger DS and I were sitting there. The drawer fell apart, and STBX screamed that I had SABOTAGED his drawer. :rolling eyes: He was very scary that night, and lunged at me, and said that I needed a smack. I called the cops, but he took off before they showed up. He ended up spending a very cold night in his truck. Recently, he blamed the cops coming out on ME-- ostensibly since I was the one who called them, NOT that his behavior was abusive.
No DUIs, but that doesn't mean that he's never driven drunk before. Mostly, I would end up driving, and he'd be hammered, but that was quite a while ago. I'm sure there's a report for the incident in March-- I have a yellow slip that the cops gave me, I'll see if I can find it.