Same old story, but not quite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Same old story, but not quite.
3
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 12:06am

Hi all, new to the board but not to Ivillage.

I'm basically hoping for some guidence. My story probably sounds like 1000's of others out there but I have a few more complications to my life. There is no way to make my story short, though I will leave out a lot to try. Appologies in advance for the length.

Been married to the same man for 18 years, we lived together before marrying. We have 4 children. The oldest is "of age" but lives at home and is attending college which he pays for himself as DH doesn't make enough money to pay for college.

Shortbackground: DH was a single father when I met him. When the baby was 6 months old they moved in with me. DH had a few problems (like drinking all the time). I have raised and after we were married adopted our son. DH and I had a child a little over a year later. A few years after that we had another child.
Around family and friends he was the perfect attentive father and doting husband, but in reality he was nothing like this. He was very quickly becoming his father. He was raised with old fashiopn family traditions (dad went to work, mom cooked-cleaned-watched the kids-had dinner ready when dad walked in the door etc.)I had told him I wanted a divorce. I couldln't feal with it anymore. Things were rocky but he quit drinking & we got past a lot of the problems....for a breif time.

It use to be where I would just do whatever was needed to "protect" the children. Not physically as he has never been physically abusive, but mentally and emotionally. example: if one of the kids spilled juice on the floor he would go on yelling at them for 15 minutes about it and then call them babies if they cried. So I would try to hide anything that could cause conflict. Like the juice spill I would clean it us as quickly as possible so DH wouldn't know about it. If the kids broke something I would go tot he store and replace it and tell them not to tell daddy they broke it, etc. Basically I tried to avoid any conflict as that stirs DH up.

DH is also a lazy cuss. Over the years things have gotten worse and worse. We live in a 2 story house. The kids will be up in their bedroom listening to music or whatever and DH will yell for them to come downstairs. When they come down he (sitting in his recliner) will hand the child a glass and say "get me more iced tea" because he won't even get up to do this himself. Again, I use to just say "leave them alone. I'll get it.

But,one of the complications to my problem is I have a lot of health problems. Due to my deteriorating health I can't always do things anymore. Also if DH finds out I have done them he yells at me for doing it because "I should just make the kids do it". He dosen't lend a hand. I recall a few years back all 4 kids were playing base/softball and there were times I had to have all 4 kids to different fields at about the same time. DH would not help. I had to make arrangements or take them all myself.

So another problem given my health is the fact I can not work for more than a few hours at a time and sometimes I don't work at all. Luckily I work for family so if I can't come in or I need to leave early it's not a problem. The problem however is probably obvious. I can not work full time to support my kids. The doctor tells me since I am still able to work, even a little bit, I don't qualify as disabled to be able to get any disability benefits. Another problem: myself and 2 of our children have health problems and take a lot of meds. I know the kids would stay on DH's insurence until they turn 18, but I can not go without insurence for myself. One med I take is $7.50 per pill x 4 pills per day!

Next problem: did you think I forgot my 4th child? Well I didn't just hadn't gotten there yet. Our 4th child is adopted. She is a cousin of my DH's. Since it was a family adoption we agreed to allow her birthparents and grandparents to see her on a regular basis. I don't like this nor do I like her birthparents and grandparents. As much as I love my daughter I would really rather she stay with DH so he can deal with them and their issues and phone calls and such. Honestly, I don't know that he would take her because that would mean he would have to be an active parent.

But assuming he did here is how I would see it. the 3 older ones would stay with me (by choice) and the little one go with DH. The oldest one I would get no support for as he is of age. Since DH would have one child and I the other 2 I assume that would leave me only getting support for one child .(I assume his having one cancels out child support for one I have). So now How the heck am I suppose to raise 3 children on like $400 a month child support when I can't work and can't claim disability?

We would definately have to move out of our house to a small apartment, but I couldn't even afford that. Having boys and girls I would have to have a 3 bedroom place. Around here a dirt cheap umm, craphole, one goes for $700 for a 3 bedroom. Move? Sure, but then we would have visitation issues not to mention I would lose the only job I can work at.

These ARE the reason I have stayed with him all these years. I can't afford to be divorced!

Last problem(not really). Our 16 year old is going to a psyciatrist. The last few year he has sufferend from depression. He finally broke down and told me on Sunday that one of his biggest problems is his dad and he wishes we would get a divorce. He said he would DEFINATELY demand to live with me. He doesn't even want to be around his dad (this is one of our children together)
So, obviously this is affecting the children a lot more than I realized! I feel like I need to get out now more than ever if it's affecting the kids this way.

BTW, NO DH will not go to counceling. I have gone on several different occasions (at length each time) and he has gone once and refused to go back because the councilor suggested he pitch in and help a bit more so DH said "since the doc and I are both against him, he won't put up with it and he's not going anymore!" and when I just go by myself and try thing the counceilors have said He goes on a tyraid about how the councilor is putting thoughts in my head and is making things worse.

Any words of wisdom out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2005
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 1:39am
First of all, let me say how brave and strong you are. I commend you for trying to make everything "right". I am also trying to make my way to divorce, since my husband has been psychologically and emoionally abusive for a few years and I need to leave him as well. I can only give you the advice I use for myself: I pray everyday in the morning. It is me and G-D, and I pour my heart out to Him, and I feel much better afterwards. Secondly, try to contact a women's group, one which can give you free counseling, free legal advice and has the option of giving free counseling for your children as well. Even if your insurance presently covers this, at least try to get free legal counseling and join a women's support group. As for the job and health situation, I hope for you that something will come up as to where you will be able to support yourself and the kids. If you can get family to help you so that you can go and take a course in order to get a job that pays better, so much the better. It will not be an easy road, and I don't know if this will help you, but so many women out there are suffering in bad, abusive and totally dysfuntional marriages, and in a position where they cannot leave the marriage. You are not alone. There are millions of women who live this way. Anyway, I gave you the best advice I could. I believe that women were made much stronger than men, and there is a reason for that. If men had to put up with themselves they would not be able to stand it for too long. May you have strength through all of this. I know. I feel the same way you do in regards to leaving my husband. Take care of yourself. G_D bless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 9:15am
Deja vu post: Call a domestic abuse shelter and ask to speak to a legal advocate. They're a wonderful, supportive starting point. There is most likely some way you can get out soon. I found out after it was all done how much help was available to me all along. It didn't have to be so hard. Since you are somewhat disabled and I presume insurance isn't available to you, you could ask to have him carry you on his insurance. There are ways to get yourself and your kids taken care of. If someone tells you you're at a dead end, ask someone else. Keep us posted and take care of yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:53pm

My kids... that was the wake up call for me.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~