Saw him & his girlfriend on Easter

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Saw him & his girlfriend on Easter
10
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 10:26am

Sunday was one of the hardest days of my life. This last weekend was his weekend with our daughter, and she was participating in an Easter Egg hung at their church (the one that he & I attended and were MARRIED in) and I just had to see her hunt eggs in her cute little dress, and he told me I was more than welcome to come but warned me that his girlfriend/fiance (whatever the hell she is) was going to be there too. Of course I dreaded this and felt sick to my stomach all weekend just anticipating it. Then when I got there I saw her. And him. It killed me- this was the first time i've ever seen him with someone other than me. And the thing that really got me, was how happy he was. He was NEVER that happy with me, he had this glow that i've never seen before. Meanwhile I am miserable, miss him every day, am big/fat & 9 months pregnant (long story) and i'm alone. Not only is his girlfriend gorgeous, she is so skinny. Im there with the 45 lbs i've gained, sweating, wearing unflattering maternity clothes, flip flops because that's the only shoes that'll fit me since my feet are so swollen, and just looking miserable. She is there wearing this cute little shirt, tight skirt, pretty high heels, looking beautiful. He must have looked at me and then looked at her and thought "Thank GOD".
I know I sound ridiculous, this is just killing me.
The good news though...I was terrified that my daughter would be running up to her & wanting to play with her over me- but she didn't once :) I think that would have killed me for sure. Then when we were leaving the egg hunt, we had to climb up this hill and I was carrying my 35 lb 2 year old and he was sort of behind us helping his girlfriend up the hill & holding her hand. WHO CARES ABOUT HELPING THE BIG PREGNANT LADY CARRYING THE TODDLER...LETS HELP THE PRECIOUS GIRLFRIEND! He didn't even offer to carry our daughter. And I couldn't let her walk because we had to cross a somewhat busy road, I wasn't about to let her run out by herself.
Another thing that really hurt me- they attend this church now, and it use to be "our" church. When I showed up at the egg hunt, all these people that I was friends with at the church didn't even aknowledge me or make eye contact- yet they all were circling around his girlfriend talking to her, since she's completely taken my place in every way. Everybody there just loves her, I feel like such an outcast.

Sorry for babbling...I am just having such a hard time with this. Anyone else ever been here?

Lainie




Edited 4/18/2006 10:29 am ET by lainie1015
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:22am

This must be very difficult for you. I have problems with self esteem, so I know how hard it must be to be 9 months pregnant AND try to feel sexy and loved. Not an easy task!


Right now, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is NOT compare yourself to the girlfriend. You're getting ready to have another child, no naturally, you're not going to be a size 0!


I'm sorry you had such a tough weekend.






What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson




Edited 4/19/2006 12:55 am ET by cl-justiceandtruth
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 1:10pm

Wow,

That is a hell of alot to deal with for a weekend. Take a deep breath. You just made it through one huge obstacle. I have in some ways been where you are. First and foremost you have to be 110% concerned about YOUR stability and health being 9 mths pregnant. Is this baby his as well?

I found out my ex was cheating when I was 4 mths pregnant. It hit like a freight train. We tried to make it work, it didnt.

The last thing you want to do right now is allow yourself to be in more of those situations of seeing them together, right now it will only kill you emotionally. Everyone told me when I was going through this to have as little contact with him as possible and they were absolutely right. The more I interracted with him the more emotionally destroyed I was. It wasnt until I cut the contact unless it pertained to our son that I began to be able to breathe again. Comparing yourself to her will only hurt you more. Stop It Now. You are a beautiful person even though you may not see it now.

Remember how things were in the beginning of your relationship with him. Its the honeymoon phase where everything is bliss. It seems and looks perfect. As you know the "honeymoon" doesnt last forever. In the beginning they seemed to do everything together, took the vacation "we" were supposed to take, it made me sick. He got a burguny suv when our son was born, prior to that had a green car, well he gave her the car and they got it painted the same color of the suv (later he claimed he sold it to her yeah right). They even got matching headrest coverings. God I want to slash the tires on both vehicles. I wanted to throw up it hurt so bad. Well he got her pregnant with twins and left her about 5 mths into the preganancy. She got her karma.

Now he's with a 19 yr old. I never saw him and our son with her. But the first time I saw him with the 19 yrs old, it hurt like hell. She's skinny, im heavy and it killed me. I used to compare myself to her also but its a crazy thing to do. The only thing she has over me is a loser bf and for that I dont envy her anymore as I did in the beginning because I realized he hasnt changed yet and probably never will.

Now for the light at the end of the tunnel. With time it gets easier to deal with. My ex now gets our son every other weekend, the gf comes with him but she usually stays in the car that was a big issue in the beginning. On two occassions she came in the building when he didnt drive. We speak, once while I was holding the baby I even let her kiss him goodbye. I never thought Id get to this point but I have as you will too. My son even says he wants to see her and talk to her. Again at first it hurt horrible but its a sign she is good to him when he's with her. That's the most important thing. You will find someone way better than your ex, just gotta believe. Hang in there there are better days ahead. I promise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 2:00pm

Thank you so much for your reply- that was really nice to read. To answer your question about the pregnancy, no he is not the father. We've actually been separated for 1 1/2 years, divorced for 1 year. The father is a guy that I was dating last summer. I liked him, but it was really just a dating thing...then I found out I was pregnant and here we are- 2 1/2 weeks from delivery. He wants to be together but I don't. I have been horrible lately comparing him to my ex- he pointed out to me the other day that I don't even make eye contact and I cringe & stiffin up every time he hugs me. I keep blaming the pregnancy hormones, but I honestly think it would be like that even if I wasn't pregnant, and I think it'd be like that with anyone.
I know I need to not compare myself, but it's so hard. He use to always make comments about my weight, implying that I was fat. At a size 8. Now I weigh about 50 lbs heavier than I did when we were together, and his girlfriend looks like a size 2. He got his dream girl I guess. I do know that she is good to my daughter, but it hurts so bad knowing that when she's not with me- she's with HER. And I know my ex- he's lazy. I'm sure she does all the work. I'm sure she cooks, plays with my daughter, puts her to bed, etc. So I should be thankful that he's not dating someone that hates kids- but my issues have absolutely nothing to do with how she treats my daughter...it's the fact that he's with her and not me, the fact that he's happier with her than he ever was with me, the fact that she's thinner & prettier than me, the fact that everyone at my old church loves her and not me, I could go on forever. It all boils down to me being jealous & feeling sorry for myself.
You mentioned the "honeymoon phase" and maybe that's what this is. He & I did have a great relationship before we got married. We were crazy about each other, couldn't get enough of each other- I swear the day we got married it started going downhill.
I wish I could completely avoid situations like this, but unfortunately I am going to have to deal with this my daughter's entire life! From school recitals, to her wedding day- I am going to have to see them. Urghhhh!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for my rambling on...thank you again for the response, it does make me feel better to know others have gone through this and gotten through it eventually!

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:29pm

Hugs.

First of all. You are pregnant, so what if she's skinny. There is no comparison. You are carrying a beautiful life inside you...don't beat yourself up for that sweetie.

As far as your church ignoring you, this is what I have to say when you go through a divorce you shake the apple tree loose of all the bad apples. I found out who my true friends were when I went through my divorce and I was really surprised who were the bad apples and who were the true friends that stuck by me and they weren't the ones who I thought were going to be there.

Hugs. I know this was hard but you hold your head up high, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 3:36pm

Anytime you want to talk Im here. I usually on this site everyday either posting or responding to posts.

What happened that you and your ex broke up?

Please dont compare yourself to her. I know its very very hard. But please dont do it. She isnt prettier than you. And Im sure the people at your church dont love her more than you.

You mentioned the new babys father. Why dont you want to be with him? It seems as though he wants to be a family?

Yes I know we have to deal with these other women in our child's life forever and it makes us feel as though we are being replaced but we will truly never be replaced in our child's eyes. Know that in your heart. Its been 2 yrs since my ex and I broke and it still stings at times. Especially when it comes the her and the baby sometimes. My ex isnt so much lazy when it comes to our son but I know the gf plays with him. On saturday ex called me to tell me he bought him a bike, he was on the phone with me and she was in the background with the baby on the bike. She didnt make nearly as much noise as she used to when she knew ex was talking to me. It stings some but hey I ve learned to look forward to have the "me" time. I deserve it and so do you. I mean you wont see me rushing to be at events pertaining to our son that I know they will attend also but at least now at the thought of it its tolerable. Hell six months ago I would have shuddered at that thought, lol. Ive come a long way and Im still on my journey. You will get therey honey.

Im always here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 7:50pm

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I am newly divorced (5 months)and two weeks ago my ex told me he is "emotionally" involved with someone -- who lives 3,000 miles away. I have begged and pleaded and begged for him to come back. He says he can't do it right now and is involved with this person. How the hell can you be involved with someone who lives that far away?? I get physically sick when I think about him being with someone else.

Don't compare yourself to the girlfriend -- you will make yourself nuts. It hurts and let it but try to work through it. Keep your chin up !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 04-18-2006 - 11:07pm

I'm sorry that you had a tough weekend. Please know that you are beautiful. I'm sure that you look more radiant than you feel... there's something beautiful about a life growing inside of you. Congratuations on your new baby... and I'm sorry for you that you had to go through all that. But at least you are over that hurdle. And if your old church is treating you like that, then they aren't being very loving Christians in my honest opinion... you don't need that. You can find somewhere else to go where you will be loved and respected. Hugs... best of luck with everything.


Summer

 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 7:53am

hugs lainie... that is so sad....

you know - believe it or not - you are NOT fat and ugly - you are beautiful. i think that pregnant women are so sexy, big stomach and all. that is a life that you are growing inside of you.

and i am sorry that the people in your church are treating you like that - i would think that that is extremely inappropriate. its nice that they are being nice to the NEW gf, but why would they snub you like that? that is just rude...

i can imagine how upset you are feeling. hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2005
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 9:38am

To answer your questions...my ex & I broke up mainly because I wanted to. I know it sounds strange considering I miss him so much- but we weren't getting along at all, he was never home, avoided being home so he didn't have to be with his daughter & I, and basically made me feel like an unappreciated piece of crap. So after the divorce we were seeing a marriage counselor & "dating" each other again...everything seemed to be actually going well. Yet he was talking to HER also, and I told him he needed to make a choice, he couldn't have us both. And his choice was obvious- her. So yes I have a lot of resentment...she WON. She was the reason that my family isn't together anymore. And I kick myself for the decision every day, I wish more than anything I could go back and have never asked for the divorce. I thought I had it so bad with him, yet my life now is a complete nightmare. It was so much better with him. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Now i'm a single mother, struggling like crazy, alone, miserable. He on the other hand is the happiest he's ever been in his entire life. He says I did him a favor.
As for the father of my baby- I honestly have no idea why I don't want to be with him. I keep comparing everything about him to my ex. Everything from his looks to his job. And this is completely unintentional, but i completely freeze up & cringe everytime he touches me or even hugs me. Maybe that's the hormones, but I don't think so. I'm honestly not attracted to him AT ALL. I obviously was at once point, enough to sleep with him- LOL, but I don't feel it any more.
I just miss my ex so much it hurts. I hate his new girlfriend for winning. If it wasn't for her, we would be together and our daughter would have BOTH PARENTS together and wouldn't have to switch from house to house (well, apartment) all the time. I just worry that we are scaring her for life and screwing her up emotionally because of this.
I'm trying...though the good news is, once baby gets here i'll be too busy with 2 kids to worry about this. LOL

Lainie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 04-19-2006 - 11:06am

Okay, first I learned something very important. As long as I was holding on to my ex I would be stuck in the past and my Mr. Right might be right in front of me and I wouldnt even know it because of what I was holding on to. I found this great book by Iyanla Vanzant: Until Today, Daily Devotions for Spiritual Growth and Peace of Mind. It saved my life literally. That and this board and my handful of wonderful, loving friends.

I too felt as though the other woman "won", I was jealous, hell he cheated and I wanted him back because I felt so alone and thought he instantly became the man I knew he could be once he was with her. HE DIDNT. He cheated on both of them with me. Not something Im proud of at all. The one he cheated on me with I felt she deserved, the one he is with now, I was wrong. It happened a very very very long time ago, twice and then I put a stop to it realizing he hadnt changed at all even though he claimed he did. I became the same person the ow did in my situation and I didnt want to be that person. I thought I had cheated my son of having the "perfect family" mom and dad together in the same house. I didnt have that growing up and so desperately wanted that for my kids. I felt I failed my son.

I noticed you said "but we werent getting along at all, he was never home, avoided being home so he didnt have to be with his daughter & I, and basically made me feel like an unappreciated piece of crap". Honey re-read this again and again. Someone who does this is NOT someone you want to be with. I know you feel alone now, it wont last forever. Its been over two years for me and at times I still feel alone, miss some of the good things about him and me. Sometimes I still cry a bit when I see him and our son walking away without me. But the hurt subsides very quickly and I go on with my business. Now instead of always crying that it's over Im able to smile more that we shared what we did.

I realized the same pain, hurt I feel he feels to although he will never show it or tell me. Men are very good in acting as though NOTHING is hurting them. He actually has it worse than me. I have our son EVERYDAY, when I date seriously my ex will have to deal with knowing another man is spending way more time with his own son than he is. Im kinda seeing someone now (nothing serious) although ex thins it is and sure enough he said someone other man sees his son more than him. I know that kills him but he wont tell me. I only have to deal with him being around the gf every other weekend for now.

This will all pass. Just take your time, focus on your new baby, let him go. When people told me that I wanted to die it hurt so so much. But they were right. Once I let go it got so much easier and allowed me to be ready to receive someone new in my life that will be the man of my dreams.