Scared and Alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Scared and Alone.
13
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:21pm

Hi,

It's my first time posting here. My husband I have been together for 9 years, married for 6 and I just filed for divorce. I'm having a really hard time. I wasn't happy in my marriage for a long time (for lots of reasons) but it seems impossible to move on. I'm so scared and alone. I know lots of people have gone through this, but it still seems like no one understands how hard it is. I am the first of my friends to divorce (all of them are having babies and I can't talk to them about this-it seems too much like raining on their parades.) My mom said, and I quote "Marriage isn't about happiness, it's about commitment. You made your bed now lie in it." So forget family support. I was always much closer to his family then mine anyway.

I can't sleep, I can't eat and I am so anxious and on edge all the time. I have tried going to 3 different therapists but none seemed to be a good "fit" and I am just too exhausted to keep trying to find one.

How, after spending 1/3 of my life with this man, am I supposed to just walk away? Not see him anymore, ever? After you've been so invested in this persons happiness and well-being how do you just sever the tie? And why does it seem so easy for him?!!? He seems just fine-maybe a little inconvenienced, but fine.

I can't stop thinking about what he's doing and who he's doing it with. When we were together he wouldn't ever take off work for us to go on vacation or spend time together (even to go to dinner-he would work 14 hour days). Why is he willing to do it now? Why was I not worth it?

Well, thank you for letting me vent. If anyone has any advice or encouragment it would be greatly appreciated.

Best wishes,

Wendy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 3:53pm
You will get through this, I promise, but not without some lumps. Keep a journal so that in 5 years when you read it you will be amazed at how far you have come. I was married almost 38 years when my husband left 3 weeks ago. He announced in Nov. he was not happy, left for one week, came back wanting to reconcile, then said it wasn't working and left again 3 weeks ago. In Nov. I went into shock, which is what you are experiencing. I found the best thing to do was let the feelings of fear and anxiety happen for about 15 minutes then make an active effort to do deep breathing, exercise, take a walk, or focus on something else. But, when those feelings happen let them. Also a group called DivorceCare.org which is located all over the country has been very helpful. You can go there and let it all out in a supportive environment. The people in my group are from 25 to 58 (me!). It is church affiliated, but it is the people who are most helpful. Hang in there....there is a rainbow after this, I promise. Do not think about your stbx and what he is doing and feeling. Go forward, not backward. Think thoughts of the future, not the past. You do have to do the grieving process however; there is no getting away from that. It just takes time. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 7:28pm

Hello Wendy...
I've been around on this board for years, and I think you've come to the right place. you will find friends, help and forgiveness.

First of all, it is not of your fault. it is not you - it is HIS choice. He may choose now to do things he never did with you... but he may have learnt FROM YOU that this is the way a guy is supposed to care.

You don't mention much about family and age. I hope you have a good job - come back and tell more, I hope you will be fine and happy again soon!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 10:54am

Thank you both for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to council me. I know it sounds cliche but it is so reassuring to know that there is life and happiness on the other side of this whole process. I have seen enough of the world to know that these feelings won't last forever, but it is easy to forget that sometimes. Thank you for reminding me. I am happy to have found such a supportive group of folks.

As for my age, I will be 30 *gasp* in May (I still feel 20!). I don't have any kids (although I desperately wanted some), just a dog and a cat. Right now I have a job that I really enjoy--I am the Outreach and Education Coordinator for the USGS Earthquake Hazards Program--but I am leaving it in April to go to graduate school. Which is on the other side of the country. So, on top of the divorce and all of the things that go along with that I am going to be leaving my home and all of my friends. Which is good and bad-but entirely overwhelming.

What did you do when you started to feel completely overwhelmed? Is there a good way to regain a sense of control over the situation?

Thanks again and I wish you both the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:38am

Hi there... My ex husband and I separated last January and our divorce was finalized in June 05... we were married for over 10 years but were together a total of 16+ years.... i spent 1/2 my life with him... what you are going through is normal and you may not think it now (i know i didn't) but you will be OK... it just takes time.... There was a quote from Oprah that I think about... "let yourself feel however you are feeling at that moment"... you will grieve your marriage but now is the time to concentrate on YOU... not him, not anyone else... YOU... it's easier said then done, i know... but you will get there... this site is a good place to seek support...

Good luck to you... you will be ok...

{{Hugs}}

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:39am

I totally understand for I am in the same boat..except for the family thing. I am terribly lonely now that he is packing his stuff and I can't imagine him ever being with someone else...I try really hard not to live in regret but I can't help thinking I should have fought for this! I'm so sad and am crying as I write this!

We are leaving on great terms and I suppose things will get better but all I can think now is that this will teach me to value things alot more than I did before....

Hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other!

Crying is good!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2004
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 11:59am
Oh honey!! I feel your pain!! I'm so sorry. How long were you married? Feel free to e-mail me if you want to chat. wbohon@yahoo.com I wouldn't wish these feelings on my worst enemy, but it is nice to have some company. I guess the old saying is true, misery loves company. Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 3:08am

I know it is hard, but let's spend time thinking how you can reborn and become romantic again. I've decided to move on from my marriage. I have to leave this country (US) and start a new life in my own country. I don't know how hard it will be,,,, I'm very scared but I'm managing myself not terrified. There was the reason to make myself choose this path. There might be a regret because you can forget easy about something that you didn't like in the old marriage when the partner is not with you.
I'm 30 but life is long. I don't want to bound myself with somebody that can't make me happy in entire my life anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 9:25am

"it still seems like no one understands how hard it is"
That's a good reason to keep posting here! You'll get to know women who truly understand the range of emotions that you're going through. People that post here can give you perspectives on every step of the divorce process, from thinking about divorcing to being divorced for several years.

"Marriage isn't about happiness, it's about commitment. You made your bed now lie in it." So forget family support.
It is REALLY unfortunate that your mom would say that. However, she may just need some time to get used to the idea. Many families start out being unsupportive, but change over time.

"And why does it seem so easy for him?!!?"
I think often the mean really ARE hurting, they just put up a facade so they look strong and competent in the eyes of the world.

"Why is he willing to do it now? Why was I not worth it?"
SO many of us have asked ourselves the same questions. I remember blaming myself all the time. I'M the reason he doesn't come home....I'M no fun..... But I learned through therapy that you can not constantly put 100% of the blame on yourself. Of course, we should always take responsibility for what we do, but many of us tend to beat ourselves up because we're imperfect.

My advice? Give yourself time and be kind to yourself. If you feel OK for 5 seconds a day, you'll see that you felt better for 10 seconds the next day. You'll see small but sure improvements as time goes on. Hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 12:07pm

Dear Wendy,

I can honestly say, you and I are sitting together in the same boat! If you have a minute to read my storey:http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsmartdivor&msg=16872.1&ctx=128

I too have been w/ my husband for forever. We started dating when I was 17 (he was 18), and now I am almost 31. His family is MY family. I have watched his 4 nieces be born and grow up, and his whole family is devestated of his actions. The family gets together every weekend and now my husband wants to start bringin over his new GF like it's nothing. Where does that leave me?

Anyway, you say: "I know lots of people have gone through this, but it still seems like no one understands how hard it is." I thought the same thing. It is so painful, how could anyone else understand??? I feel like our situation is more devestating than death. Don't underestimate it and deny the situation you are in. If you don;t grieve, it will fester and come out later at a more inconvenient time. Truth is, many people go through this every day and I know you will hear this over and over, but time is the only thing that will truly heal you. I am on day 19 of my ordeal and it has gotten a teeny bit better, but better at that. The first few days were the roughest, b/c I was still arguing with the ex and hashing it out with the OW, but realized it was getting me nowhere but in a world of hurt and torture. I lost 10 pounds (didn't need to, I weighed 130 at 5'4"), didn't sleep becsaue I was obsessing and crying all night.

Some advice I have for you that has helped me in the last two weeks:

Get a calandar and begin marking the days off with a big marker. That way you can see how many days are progressing. I love seeing all those X's!!! (Even though there are only 19, it still is better than 1)

When you find an inspirational quote, write it down and post it where you see it all the time. I have a ton by my computer so when I get distracted (especially when I do homework) I canlook up and see one and snap out of it. For instance: "I can thrive and suffer at the same time" or "Do NOT think of the far future, focus on what you have to do RIGHT NOW"

I also went to a divorce support group. It is sponsored by divorcecare.com, you can find one in your area. I was floored about how many stories were like mine, even worse! I went last week and plan on going tomorrow and know these people will be my friends.

I'm sorry that you are not getting the support you need from your family. Think about connecting with any old friends that you have lost touch with that you think may be there for you. Be selfish right now, it has probably been a long time since you have. I too have friends with babies (TWO of my friends have twins under one year, one is about to give birth and these are my three BEST friends, oh and my other friend just got married and bought a house). Luckily, they have all been supportive, but I understand your situation.

Hope that helped! Hang in there, it WILL get better. Do you journal? I have found that to be REALLY helpful. I get out everything I want to say to him.

Hugs,
Beanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2006
Sat, 03-04-2006 - 9:38pm

Hi Wendy,

I'm new to the board too.

I was married for 25 years and I've been grieving for 3 months (separated and divorced 3 months ago). Divorce feels like death - in this case, death of a marriage and family. For the first 2 months, I cried all the time and although I still cry periodically, I've noticed that I'm starting to have more good days than bad ones. So it does get better with time. Time does heal.

When you're inconsolable and overwhelmed, it's hard to find comfort anywhere. You just have to take it a day at a time, be patient and gentle, and realize that this bad chapter in your life will pass.

I'm so glad that I found this board because the women here have been extremely supportive, kind, understanding, and loving. My family and friends have not been through a divorce, so it's hard for them to truly understand what I'm going through.

Know that you're not alone and we all pretty much experience the same emotions and go through the same journey.

Take care.

Mirra

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