Scared to leave Scared to stay
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Scared to leave Scared to stay
| Sun, 01-28-2007 - 2:15pm |
This is my first post and I dont know where to start. I am living in a miserable situation and Im not sure which direction to go. I have three kids, 2 from a previous marraige, and one from current H. He is the most verbally abusive man I have ever known. He makes me feel like a piece of garbage on a daily basis. He is always angry, flying off the handle at everything. I have tried for over 8 years to fix our marraige but to no avail. I do not receive a weekly paycheck, and I am terrified that I will not make it on my own. I cry everyday and I feel awful that my poor kids have to witness this abuse, as well as their mom crying all the time. I try to put on a happy face but it is getting harder and harder. I just want happiness and at this point it seems impossible. I have been to an attorney several times, got all the paper work but have never followed threw for fear of what he might do (hiding money, flipping out at me) I dont know what is more important at this point, being happy and living in poverty, or putting on a fake smile and being miserable and degraded every day. My H wants nothing to do with getting help, for his anger and I just cant go on living like this anymore. He yells, screams, swears, throws things and constantly puts me down...and I know filing for divorce will only make it worse(if it can be any worse). He will brainwash our son, and worse yet make our home life a living nightmare. I know I want this marraige to be over, as I have tried everything to fix it, But I just cant make the final step. If there is anyone who has been in this situation, a few encouraging words would greatly help. I feel like i am doing this alone and I really need help!!!

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I have been through this - please visit the Dealing with Domestic Abuse board (also under the Relationship Problems category). You are being verablly/emotionally abused. If the stats are right (and there are unfortunately a lot of examples to pull those stats from!) he will not change - even with major intervention. You need to get out. Save your dignity and your self esteem and most immportantly your soul and take the first step towards separation. He will have to pay child support and there are programs available for women in situations such as yours. You can also call a local Domestic Abuse hotline/Women's shelter and they will have a wealth of information to help you as well.
My H and I separated officially on Jan 1st. I felt such a huge sense of relief when he left - I am sure that is a very telling sign. My H has since realized that he was a total and absolute jerk and now he wants me back. The thing is I didn't realize just how bad things were until he left. Then through counselling and posting on these boards and reading books - I realized that I was the victim of Domestic abuse. The more I read - the more scared I became. Now that he wants back - I feel unable to take him back. He has committed to counselling (which they say is a bad idea for a man who abuses - you would need to ensure that you have a counsellor who specializes in abuse otherwise these jerks can be very charming and say all the right things). Recovery from abuse is a long hard road for the abuser and supposedly only 1% even actually change. The odds are against us.
Do yourself and your children a favour and file those papers. Call the local Domestic Abuse/Vilence hotline and plan your exit. You deserve to be happy - this is no way to live.
(((((((hugs))))))
Rose
Do you know what - I am very confused about my own situation. When he moved out I was devastated but also surprisingly relieved. He was out of the house for three solid weeks although we saw each other frequently and spoke frequently due to our children. I had pretty much managed to get my head around leading a separate life from his when BAM! He did 180 degree change and wanted me back. I still do not know what I am going to do. He figured he could have this epiphany and finally realize that I deserved to be treated so much better and that all of the things he thought were important now he realized was a warped way of thinking etc. I should be ecstatic but ... I do not love him anymore. Can we get that back? Maybe but I still feel a great deal of anxiety when he is around me. I absolutely have refused to have sex with him. He has taken it upon himself to move back home but I have been clear that I still need space. He is going away for a week and I cannot wait!! (plus he is a fire fighter so he works shifts - and since I work Monday to Friday we are often two passing ships)... Bottom line- I haven't been strong enough just yet. I have tried very hard to shield the kids from everything (our girls are 5 and almost 3). Since he works nights etc. while they realized that daddy was not at home we didn't tell them anything yet... I know - from having him around that I do like it when he is here. Our counselling appointment is next week - I called his counsellor and told her about the abuse so she is totally up to speed.
As for your feeling that he is controlling you etc. If you can go out and pick up a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of an angry and controlling man" You will be blown away by the info in that book. Most of it could have been written about my life. The thing is these guys all seem to follow the same pattern. Hang in there and do not beat yourself up about any of your decisions. After being put down and made to feel useless for so very long now if is no wonder you are confused. Hang in there and write any time. I have found these boards to be so very very helpful.
((((Hugs)))))
Rose
I know this is not easy. You will get alot of good advice on this board. take it all in then do what you feel is right but you may want to consider therapy. I know I hate that word too especially since I have read more self help books and psychology than the therapist has probably LOL
But I married my stbx THREE times. he just filed for the third divorce. There is an OW now . its been very very painful. But you have got to get out of this relationship before you are sucked in more and it has been many years. I spent 30 years unhappy and mistreated.
Stay on the board. Theres some real smart cookies on here!!
I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in your shoes. I did not leave right away because I had to put a plan in place first. After being a stay at home mom for 8 years I went back to work and started seeing a good therapist who helped me gather the emotional strength I knew I would need. I would suggest that you find a therapist and go to counseling by yourself. Make sure it's one who specializes in what you're going through (abuse). Also, I went to the local women's shelter for group counseling. They were also a good resource for questions I had about the court system. A book that helped me with my decision is entitled "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."
My STBX turned out to be just horrible, and still continues to be that way. He threw my personal items out of our bedroom and not only locked me out of our bedroom, but then ended up changing the locks to the house. He stole money from me and moved a large sum into an unknown account, and froze me out of our mutual credit card account.
I had to choice but to move out on my own and it this was very scary to me. It's not easy, but at least I don't walk on eggshells in my own place anymore. I've learned to not feel so guilty about "breaking up the family" where my children are concerned. It's either they have a happy mother or one who was walking around the house emotionally numb and comatose. Hang in there, Belinda
I think its like on top of all the emotional abuse over the years and now the Big Whammy
The woman he has always dreamed of!
I honestly from what I have heard about her I believe she is a masochist and perhaps this will be the love of their dreams! He is still here and she is married and lives 400 miles from here........ but my divorce will not be final for a few days or so. She is going to keep this going on but stay with her DH another year or year and a half. How goofy is that?
I am sorry but she is a real slut! But she is highly active in her church. What can I say? I guess they are both mentally ill is all I can figure.
I had some trouble this a.m. again but feel ok now. this is a Roller-Coaster from the deep. that is for sure. I dont know who I am right now.