Scared to leave Scared to stay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Scared to leave Scared to stay
9
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 2:15pm
This is my first post and I dont know where to start. I am living in a miserable situation and Im not sure which direction to go. I have three kids, 2 from a previous marraige, and one from current H. He is the most verbally abusive man I have ever known. He makes me feel like a piece of garbage on a daily basis. He is always angry, flying off the handle at everything. I have tried for over 8 years to fix our marraige but to no avail. I do not receive a weekly paycheck, and I am terrified that I will not make it on my own. I cry everyday and I feel awful that my poor kids have to witness this abuse, as well as their mom crying all the time. I try to put on a happy face but it is getting harder and harder. I just want happiness and at this point it seems impossible. I have been to an attorney several times, got all the paper work but have never followed threw for fear of what he might do (hiding money, flipping out at me) I dont know what is more important at this point, being happy and living in poverty, or putting on a fake smile and being miserable and degraded every day. My H wants nothing to do with getting help, for his anger and I just cant go on living like this anymore. He yells, screams, swears, throws things and constantly puts me down...and I know filing for divorce will only make it worse(if it can be any worse). He will brainwash our son, and worse yet make our home life a living nightmare. I know I want this marraige to be over, as I have tried everything to fix it, But I just cant make the final step. If there is anyone who has been in this situation, a few encouraging words would greatly help. I feel like i am doing this alone and I really need help!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 7:13pm

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I have been through this - please visit the Dealing with Domestic Abuse board (also under the Relationship Problems category). You are being verablly/emotionally abused. If the stats are right (and there are unfortunately a lot of examples to pull those stats from!) he will not change - even with major intervention. You need to get out. Save your dignity and your self esteem and most immportantly your soul and take the first step towards separation. He will have to pay child support and there are programs available for women in situations such as yours. You can also call a local Domestic Abuse hotline/Women's shelter and they will have a wealth of information to help you as well.
My H and I separated officially on Jan 1st. I felt such a huge sense of relief when he left - I am sure that is a very telling sign. My H has since realized that he was a total and absolute jerk and now he wants me back. The thing is I didn't realize just how bad things were until he left. Then through counselling and posting on these boards and reading books - I realized that I was the victim of Domestic abuse. The more I read - the more scared I became. Now that he wants back - I feel unable to take him back. He has committed to counselling (which they say is a bad idea for a man who abuses - you would need to ensure that you have a counsellor who specializes in abuse otherwise these jerks can be very charming and say all the right things). Recovery from abuse is a long hard road for the abuser and supposedly only 1% even actually change. The odds are against us.
Do yourself and your children a favour and file those papers. Call the local Domestic Abuse/Vilence hotline and plan your exit. You deserve to be happy - this is no way to live.

(((((((hugs))))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 7:32pm
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my message. Your advice was so true. I havent been happy in over 8 years and I think its time. For some reason this jerk H of mine has some controlling hold on me, and for some reason I feel that I can change him and we will live happily ever after, But I also know that is not the case. I really praise you on deciding to be happy. I dont know what is holding me back from making the same decision, but I really want to leave and be happy. And I know my kids deserve a better, happier life. I hope that everything works out for you in your situation..and please, if you know he wont change, dont take him back, they have this power that sucks us back in and things are good for a short time but then quickly go back to being the same ol way. Good luck to you, and thank you so much for your response. I really needed it!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 8:03pm

Do you know what - I am very confused about my own situation. When he moved out I was devastated but also surprisingly relieved. He was out of the house for three solid weeks although we saw each other frequently and spoke frequently due to our children. I had pretty much managed to get my head around leading a separate life from his when BAM! He did 180 degree change and wanted me back. I still do not know what I am going to do. He figured he could have this epiphany and finally realize that I deserved to be treated so much better and that all of the things he thought were important now he realized was a warped way of thinking etc. I should be ecstatic but ... I do not love him anymore. Can we get that back? Maybe but I still feel a great deal of anxiety when he is around me. I absolutely have refused to have sex with him. He has taken it upon himself to move back home but I have been clear that I still need space. He is going away for a week and I cannot wait!! (plus he is a fire fighter so he works shifts - and since I work Monday to Friday we are often two passing ships)... Bottom line- I haven't been strong enough just yet. I have tried very hard to shield the kids from everything (our girls are 5 and almost 3). Since he works nights etc. while they realized that daddy was not at home we didn't tell them anything yet... I know - from having him around that I do like it when he is here. Our counselling appointment is next week - I called his counsellor and told her about the abuse so she is totally up to speed.
As for your feeling that he is controlling you etc. If you can go out and pick up a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that? Inside the mind of an angry and controlling man" You will be blown away by the info in that book. Most of it could have been written about my life. The thing is these guys all seem to follow the same pattern. Hang in there and do not beat yourself up about any of your decisions. After being put down and made to feel useless for so very long now if is no wonder you are confused. Hang in there and write any time. I have found these boards to be so very very helpful.

((((Hugs)))))

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 8:26pm
first of all ((HUGS))~! Sorry you are in this nightmare. My stbx was more subtle with the abuse usually but it was just as damaging. He had horrible mood swings and the body language was frightening. It was also a daily life of being treated like crap, Like I was a nothing. The physical abuse was way way back. I think I scared him .....so he was very careful not to do that again.

I know this is not easy. You will get alot of good advice on this board. take it all in then do what you feel is right but you may want to consider therapy. I know I hate that word too especially since I have read more self help books and psychology than the therapist has probably LOL
But I married my stbx THREE times. he just filed for the third divorce. There is an OW now . its been very very painful. But you have got to get out of this relationship before you are sucked in more and it has been many years. I spent 30 years unhappy and mistreated.
Stay on the board. Theres some real smart cookies on here!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:55am
I have been there. I have heard that song and dance before about "im going to change I realized the error in my ways" but in my situation it never lasts. If you think there is a chance that things could be different, Maybe give it a try. I know that if I really really knew that my H would and could change, I probley would stay. I want my children to be in a family, and I dont want to struggle financially, but at this point things get worse day after day so I know that wont happen. It is especially hard when u can honestly say you dont love them anymore. It took a long time for me to admit that. I wanted to love him but I know that this emotional roller coaster I am on is not love. When you look forward to them leaving, its a sign. Even when things are ok between us (they are never really GOOD)I still think how I dont want to be with him. There are so many reasons.I know that him leaving will not happen Ive told him before to leave and he refuses. He doesnt have friends, he has disowned his family, his anger has caused him to lose all of that, but I almost wish instead of actually filing, we could just separate. He could go away for awhile. But I am wishing that only because for one day I want him to want me back the way that I have taken him back so many times, for him to feel just one ounce of pain that I have felt for so many years. But that to will never happen. I hope that what you decide works out for you, just be careful, you let him back into your home, but dont let him back into your heart if theres a chance you might hurt. I really believe kids can bounce back especially at a young age, but its alot harder for us. As I sit here writing this all I can think about is filing those damn papers!!! I wish I just had the courage! I will definetly check out that book, I have read a few but I really enjoy reading them. They really do help and make you feel like you are not alone. Thank you so much for your time.I hope that things work out for you to!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:06pm
Thank you so much for your support! as sad as it is that these men treat us this way, it is comforting to know that there are woman in the same situation. I to have read some books but am always looking for more! I am so sorry to hear that you put up with this for 30 years!! My mother did the same. She put up with verbal abuse for 24 years. You think I wouldve learned from her mistakes!? I hope to not put up with this for that long, but at the rate im going, no courage, not feeling worthy enough to walk, who knows i might here 15 years from now saying the same things!! :( in any event, I hope things work out with you. You deserve better and he definetly is not!! Thanks again for your support!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:30pm

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in your shoes. I did not leave right away because I had to put a plan in place first. After being a stay at home mom for 8 years I went back to work and started seeing a good therapist who helped me gather the emotional strength I knew I would need. I would suggest that you find a therapist and go to counseling by yourself. Make sure it's one who specializes in what you're going through (abuse). Also, I went to the local women's shelter for group counseling. They were also a good resource for questions I had about the court system. A book that helped me with my decision is entitled "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay."

My STBX turned out to be just horrible, and still continues to be that way. He threw my personal items out of our bedroom and not only locked me out of our bedroom, but then ended up changing the locks to the house. He stole money from me and moved a large sum into an unknown account, and froze me out of our mutual credit card account.

I had to choice but to move out on my own and it this was very scary to me. It's not easy, but at least I don't walk on eggshells in my own place anymore. I've learned to not feel so guilty about "breaking up the family" where my children are concerned. It's either they have a happy mother or one who was walking around the house emotionally numb and comatose. Hang in there, Belinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:04pm
Hey thanks!! Boy I tell you this affair he is having and filed for divorce for her has bee the most excrutiating pain imaginable.
I think its like on top of all the emotional abuse over the years and now the Big Whammy
The woman he has always dreamed of!
I honestly from what I have heard about her I believe she is a masochist and perhaps this will be the love of their dreams! He is still here and she is married and lives 400 miles from here........ but my divorce will not be final for a few days or so. She is going to keep this going on but stay with her DH another year or year and a half. How goofy is that?
I am sorry but she is a real slut! But she is highly active in her church. What can I say? I guess they are both mentally ill is all I can figure.
I had some trouble this a.m. again but feel ok now. this is a Roller-Coaster from the deep. that is for sure. I dont know who I am right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 8:37pm
Wow! That is quite an emotional ride. Isnt it awful how we sit here and sulk and they can just move on with life like nothing is going on...I swear they have no hearts, no feelings. I know what you mean about the roller coaster ride. Yesterday was a very bad emotional day for me, but today i am just ok. Everyday its different I never know what to expect. It seems to get harder before it gets better, which hopefully for us one day it will be and we can wake up in the morning with a smile on our face and can say with confidence that its going to be a good day. Keep your head up! One day he will realize what a fool he is.