Scared, lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2012
Scared, lost.
Sat, 01-21-2012 - 2:59am

So, I guess I'll give you my story.

I live in Utah and I've been married for 16 months. I will be 26 on Monday and my husband will be 26 in March. I have 4 kids, ages 19 months to 10 years. My husband and I only share my youngest and this is my first marriage. My husband has 3 kids of his own, one I've never met and didn't even know about until post wedding and the other 2 I've only seen a handful of times. My husband has a variety of mental disorders including bi-polar disorder, depression, ADHD and others. Most of this I knew from the beginning. He cheated on me with his oldest kids' mother at the beginning of our relationship. He also started stealing from me very early on. He would take my belongings and pawn them and also take my debit card and make unauthorized purchases and withdrawals from my bank. Why did I marry him? I'm an idiot. The physical abuse, however, did not start until after we were married. He is a pathelogical liar. He lies about EVERYTHING. I'm not even sure I know his real name. He has raped me on a couple of occasions. The stealing has actually all but stopped in the past 6 months or so, but the abuse is getting worse. He shoves me around and chokes me nearly to the point of losing consciousness and threatens to kill me all of the time. The fighting happens several times per week. He is addicted to porn and video games. We're talking 12 hours a day EVERY DAY. I have worked full time since I was 15 and my husband hasn't worked a day since I've known him. He COULD hold a job but he uses his disabilities as an excuse not to. He was awarded SSI last month and will be receiving $315 per month. We don't have any joint assets. The only existing assets at all are 2 vehicles, both in my name. One is financed and one I own free and clear. My husband has nothing except all of the clothes and toys and other things I buy him. I gross $2k per month. I do get a little bit of food stamps but that's the only assistance. We rent an apartment and are now on a month-to-month basis (thankfully.) I will admit my husband's unemployed status has helped in that I don't pay for daycare. Does he provide adequate care for my kids? Definitely not! I want a divorce. He can't know until it's time or he'll hurt me, destroy my things, who even knows what else. I can afford ALL of the bills when I leave except daycare so I don't know how to work that out. I have amazing family but they are incapable of helping with childcare (because they work) or helping me financially, because everyone struggles a bit. I need to get divorced. I don't know how. What are the chances that I will have to pay him alimony? I know I need to make a plan and I know I need to start stashing away every penny that I can. This whole thing is so scary, almost more scary than staying. I'm so sorry for the long post.. I guess I mostly just needed someone to listen. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm so very angry and more disappointed in myself than words could ever express.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 01-21-2012 - 11:56am

Your first step should be to consult a lawyer.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 01-21-2012 - 4:06pm

Your first phone call immediately should be to the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233).

You need immediate help to escape this man. Call this number now and get out of the house.

If you can, gather up your kids SSN cards, yours, a bank statement, ect. But leave! You can't stay with this guy another minute. He's a timebomb waiting to go off again. GET OUT.

You will need legal advice but your first priority is your safety and your children's safety.

You understand you made a mistake by having him in your life. Now make a good choice and escape.

You can figure out how to arrange for daycare and other things once you're out from under the daily threats.