Scared & Overwhelmed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Scared & Overwhelmed!
6
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:53am
Well last night before I got home he was served. He called me and told me to get home. That he was served. He doesn't like the way things are said in the papers and he feels that the papers state that I'm taking him for everything he's got. It says about living in the house, me & kids & that he would move and pay 1/2 house payment & taxes and that he should pay lawyers fees. I NEVER ASKED FOR THAT, but I signed the papers, I just figured that they had certain things that they do but H insists that its only in the papers because I asked for it and that I want to Rake him over the coals. He said that the only papers he would find acceptable was if they said I was leaving and the kids were staying with him. I even told the lawyer that I knew he wouldnt be able to live somewhere else and pay the house $ too. The court date is sometime in May, H took off to get a lawyer to go for my throat like I'm doing him, so he says. He says once he points out to a judge that he has certain concerns about me being a good mom that the judge will see things his way...Ummm all I've ever heard is Drugs, prostitution and alcoholic moms were the only ones that had kids unwillingly taken away. I'm calling a marriage counselor today and I hope we can make it together long enough to go to one.
I'm also calling my lawyer to see if they can either re-do the papers worded different under the same court date or if not...just have them redone, without asking for lawyers fees, without asking for half house money etc..
I"M SO DEPRESSED, I had 3 hours sleep and I'm 3 hours late getting to work and he just took off work today to get a lawyer, I have to go home and fight with him again half the night and then work tomorrow and then tomorrow night will be another all nighter. GOD HELP ME. Oh the other thing he says the paper work says is that I've been an angel and that he's been inhumane treatment...I'll have it worded to where we've both made mistakes but I dont know how that will go over. I have taken alot ALOT more tongue lashings than him but he's just obsessed with saying how I always play the victim....therefore I'll change the papers to show that we are victims of each other. WHAT DO YOU ALL THINK? Formerly ...but trying 2 b safe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 1:33pm

Hi There! Just wanted to respond to your post to give support. I don't know any of the details of your situation other than what you've included in this post (i am not on this bd that often). First of all, take a deep breath -- remember, this is a process and you can't get overly emotional about everything, but I understand that you're new to all this and therefore, can't know what to get really concerned about at this point.

Your stbx is obviously angry and anxious about this process, as can be expected. It sounds like he wants to threaten you and scare you off, but you can't let yourself be intimidated by these tactics. I think any atty that he consults with, will calm him down and explain that your complaint is not 'out-of-line' and that is it a pretty standard argument. I don't know what state you live in, but most judges are not particularly interested in the issues surrounding the 'cause' of the divorce, unless it is detrimental to the children's welfare. (I am in the process of a divorce, still live in the same house, but so far it has been 'amicable' and we have 2 teens).

I am not a lawyer, so I am not in a position to give legal advice and you should consult your atty to confirm the legal protocol. From what you wrote, I don't believe that what was asked for was 'too much' at all -- I don't know what exactly you are needing from your stbx, but the details will be worked out later in the process. Typically, there are formulas to determine child support based on each parent's income and the custody arrangements. Also, the judge may decide that you are entitled to 'more' than you are asking for depending on the circumstances and stbx's ability to pay. Remember, the court is most concerned about the children's care and well-being, so anything that impacts that is what is considered.

Have you collected all the joint financial info. (bank/brokerage statements, tax returns, loans, etc.)? I would imagine that your atty has advised you on all of this.

As for marriage counseling -- i would recommend it if you believe that stbx is willing to try it -- at the very least, it will make it clear to both of you why you are in the situation you are right now. If he is not willing to make the effort, then I would definitely suggest that you seek individual counseling, as you need a place to vent and get the support you need to get through this process, especially since it's clear that stbx is not going to make this easy. Also, you will need the support in dealing with your kids and their reactions to what's going on.

Lots of people on this board are going through similiar situations, so you have definitely come to the right place for advice and support. Keep strong and good luck with everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:40pm
Just because the papers ask for something, it doesn't mean you will get it. Lawyers have a standard procedure. If you feel threatened talk to your attorney. Everything your going through is normal. It's called guilt. We all have been there, done that. Hang in there. Things have a way of working out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 7:02am
Well H says that since I signed the papers it may as well been my word verbatum. I do not want the fees back though and well to actually exhaust everything I will go with him a few times to a marriage counselor. When H got the papers and we stayed up all night it was rough and I was ready to call the lawyer and cancel the papers or do whatever I had to do to stop them. I did actually even call yesterday but his office was out until Monday. I will wait and see what happens tonite and possibly on Monday have Lawyer revise the papers so that its not worded that way...H has a lawyers appt. on Tuesday, he doesn't want to do this but he said he'll be prepared. Marriage Counselor should call me back Monday with an appt., I seriously feel like they will not see any sense in trying to save this. I am a good person, he is a good person, he loves me with all his heart, yet when we argue about whatever he can say the nastiest things and have the most violent looks on his face, over the 6 years we've been together I dont feel like I should at this point. Shouldn't I feel lucky to have him? Shouldn't I feel proud & happy? Shouldn't I want to do things with him? Shouldn't I want to kiss him passionately? .........Thats what I thought. Thanks for listening. I care so much for the pain I'm putting him through but do I just sacrifice my own happiness or do I move on and live with the guilt and hope it eases up?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 12:24pm
As stated previously what you are going through is the normal state of things. Your attorney is required to protect your interests. The initial step in this process asks for everything because if it is not asked for first you can not get it later. So this is for your best interest. Your husband does not understand this and is reacting to the written word. I suggest you both realize you are in an area of life most have little understanding of and start by quit accusing each other of what one does not understand. The reason you hire an attorney is to look out for your interests in a matter. Your husband has the same right. As far as the threat regarding your children, you are on the right track. Courts look out for the best interest of children and only deny parental rights in proven negative influence situations. Generally both parents are encouraged to be involved. I suggest you and your husband quit with the arguments and begin harmoniously discussing your futures apart. With your main interest in the welfare of your children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 5:35pm

Hi Dr.,


I sense a lot of guilt in your post. It's understandable to feel that way when you are taking actions which affect someone you may care about (and have loved) as you have in marriage. However, you can't "UNserve" your husband. Nor can you prevent him from reacting in an angry way to being served. It's done and can't be undone.


Your lawyer had a couple of reasons for wording the documents so strongly. First, remember divorce is a legal action to dissolve a marriage and its an adversarial action. You are the plaintiff or the adversary in this proceeding. Your STBX is the defendant or the person who has claims brought against him. You've offically become adversaries with the serving of the papers. You are now on different "sides" in a legal confrontation called divorce. Second, your lawyer has the responsibility to represent your legal interests (and not your STBX's)

CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 7:44pm
Divorce is hard. But you will get through it. It's not the end of the world. There is life after divorce. If you are depressed, it's normal. If you can go to a library, they have some good books on your emotions. It was very helpful to me. Atleast I knew I wasn't crazy. Others have experienced what I was going through. All I can tell you is be careful about what you say to anybody. In these situations, you would be amazed who will stab you in the back. You do need to trust your attorney. Like others have said he has your best interest at heart.