Scared to Separate - kinda long

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Scared to Separate - kinda long
7
Wed, 04-02-2008 - 10:49pm

I have been married to my husband for 5 years. We have a son together who will be turning 4 in May. My husband smoked a lot of marijuana up until 1 1/2 ago, and he was a very heavy drinker until a couple of months ago when we started going to marriage counseling. Besides the drug and alcohol abuse, my husband is very controlling and jealous. He is also emotionally abusive. I am terrified to talk to him about things because I'm afraid of how he may react. He has a history of violent behavior, but he has never directed that behavior towards me.

I got married very young, I was only 22. I was unhappy in my life and trying to escape. My husband happened to come along and "rescue" me. Any way, I am White and Jewish and he is Mexican and Catholic, and the differences just go on from there. Everything is compounded by the control, communication and jealousy issues. We are even having a lot of sexual problems, including my complete lack of desire for him. Sex is more of a duty for me now. I even have to financially support his family which really pisses me off since they make no effort to communicate with me in english (they all speak spanish)

My husband has gotten slightly better since counseling, and he is on anti-depressants, but the changes in him are not significant. Our marriage counselor even told him to stop being so controlling, but he doesn't listen. In fact, I know that he will never be the man and provider that I deserve and want. I wanted so much more out of life and I settled. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to ruin my son's life, but I feel completely trapped. I started going back to school and he hates that. He looks through my purse and phone and I'm not really allowed to go out with friends. I feel like I made a very big mistake. If I had to do it all over again, I would not marry the same person. I'm just so scared to separate.

Am I right to think that things will most likely never work between us? I have been in denial for many years, but I guess that I just need someone else to tell me that I'm right and that I'm not going to hurt my son.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 2:02am

lovelylady8:


You definitely do have a right to get out of your marriage and be happy! Only you can do that for yourself. I do know just how guilt-inducing it is to think about leaving your marriage when you have a child. I have those feelings so often. But I know that I've made the right decision in ending my marriage. I couldn't do it for one more day. You can't live happily never knowing how your husband will react in any given situation. And, since he's already been emotionally abusive, it's a short

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 10:44am

Let's recap--


1) your DH doesn't want you to go to school to improve yourself and be able to have a better job and career in the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 10:48am
Hugs to you.
If you think about all the lessons your son is learning from living a life that is in front of him. Think about what he would learn if he was not in that situation. What do you want your son to grow up learning? That is your strength and you need to fight for that. Because you need to teach your son what is right and wrong. No one else should. Fight for your son and his future. You will not go wrong. Take care.
Photobucket - Video and Image HostingPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
dragon
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2007
Thu, 04-03-2008 - 10:55pm

Your son will be alright.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 9:55am
Thank you so much. I have been reading these message boards for months, and this is my first post. Reading all of these stories helps, a lot. I don't think that my husband will ever change. He sent me over the edge yesterday when he looked through my purse. There is absolutely no trust. I truly think that I want to separate, but it is just so scary!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2008
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 10:26am
I completely agree with your last paragraph. I feel like we are on a roller coaster. Right now he is being nice because I'm being mean, but I know that if I give in and be nice and cater to him again, he'll be mean to me. I hate this! I didn't want this for my life. I married him for the wrong reasons, and I know that. We will always be different. I was doing some homework from our therapist, and one of the questions asked "if you could marry the same person again, would you do it?" My answer was no. How can I work on fixing a marriage if I wouldn't want to marry him again?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-04-2008 - 3:06pm
Same here.