Scared to tell him the truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Scared to tell him the truth
39
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:48am

I discovered in December that H was having an affair. He of course says it was not physical, that it was simply an "emotional affair". But with what I found, I don't believe it was just emotional. I also question this because six years ago I discovered that H was advertising on the internet for sex. When confronted he said he did meet with women, but never had the courage to go any further. And the first affair was eight years ago, when I found out he had a relationship with another co-worker. He told me they "just talked a lot".

My first reaction to this new incident was divorce, he of course faught this. We separated at the beginning of the year, but he is not giving me the space I need. He still comes over every night to see the boys. He is determined to make the marriage work. He cries every time I mention divorce. He doesn't understand why I won't give him another chance, especially now since he's seeing a therapist and is "fixing himself". He is now ready to be the husband I always wanted and the father the kids have never had.

I have my first appointment with the lawyer tomorrow, H doesn't know this. I'm a little scared as to what will happen when he knows how serious I am about the divorce. Not scared about my safety, but what his reaction will be, how hard will he fight this. During our 10 year marriage, I have always been the complaisant one, very non-confrontational. Which is probably why I've been walked on for so many years. I also think that's why he is having such a hard time dealing with this, because he has always been very manipulative. I suppose I'm looking for the best and most gentle way to break the news, and if anyone has dealt with a similar situation. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 9:38am

luvmyboys2006...

Pianoguy suggests you keep several things in mind before you consult with a divorce lawyer.

1. Would YOU be happier married or single?
2. Would YOUR BOYS be better off living with Dad or You....or if you're gonna share 'em, can you (at least) be civil to each other after the divorce goes through?
3. Does your husband behave the way he does because of something HE LACKS? Or some sort of 'vibe' he's getting from you?

Since everybody's situation is different, start with the above questions. Then consider writing down a few of your own? This way...you've got the pros and cons of "splitting up" staring directly at you!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:08pm

Pianoguy,

I'm usually with you, but on number 3 - I disagree. What kind of "vibe" would the wife have to be displaying to make it ok to have an affair(s)? This is like blaming her. Of course he's lacking something - a moral compass.....

Avatar for cmckinn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 2:11pm

It's time you started thinking about yourself. It sounds like he has a pattern of seeking out other women for whatever reason and you are letting him walk all over you if you let it slide again. You don't need to be a b****, but you need to stick up for yourself and do what you want and your overriding concern should not be to worry about him. Worry about and take care of yourself and your kids! I am just starting the divorce process myself. My husband has made my life miserable for several years, so I am taking my own advice. I am looking after myself and my kids and filing for divorce. He has had a very difficult time of it, because like you, I have always been complacent and willing to look the other way. He can't understand why I'm not any more. He has waffled back and forth for several weeks now between being okay with the concept of divorce and between trying to get me back. I think, since he's sees I'm holding my ground, he knows now that I'm serious. Do what's right for you and good luck!

Carole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 2:54pm
I have to agree. My husband was the same way. He has always "looked" at other women and has had a few one night stands. He states it is because he wasn't "getting enough" at home but after talking with SEVERAL women, I find he was "getting" MORE than most (well, actually more than anyone we know). Whatever problems exist in a marriage, there is never an excuse to look outside. It sounds (similar to my husband) that there is definitely something missing in him unfortunately no other human can fill that void. As long has he lacks the skills to feel ok without constant attention from women, you will be miserable. You've got to do what's right for you now. Check out some books on codependency and see if you see yourself in any of them (I know I am in there!!) Good luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 8:57am

Hi icuriousone...

The "vibe" Pianoguy was referencing in his earlier response could be anything from complaints about finances to the wife 'nagging about nothing!'

When men get too much of the above...they automatically find excuses to STAY AWAY FROM HOME...and in some cases, take up with a woman who isn't as critical.

As I think I indicated earlier...I'm NOT SUPPORTING the gentleman's actions or his behavior. But women...irregardless of whether they're spouses, gf's or s.o.'s...have to realize that most men can only 'tolerate' only so much verbal admonishment. . So when there's a lot of complaining present in a household, it's a pretty safe bet that a man will either disappear and/or find some sort of alternative.

Hope this clarifies things a little?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 9:08am

Your situation sounds a lot like mine.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

Avatar for eatatmoms
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:02am

Hmmm, I think you're digging yourself deeper Pianoguy. Sorry, but I can't be in a relationship without being able to voice my feelings about life. I'm not saying I'm a nag, or really witchy, but it sounds like you feel women need to be silent or their husbands will stray. I find that ridiculious. I think it's an easy excuse for many men who cheat. Suddenly the wife nags too much about helping with the children, or the bills or home repairs. Sorry, that is part of marriage and if the husband isn't holding up his end (which is so very common - especially on this board) is the wife supposed to suffer in silence for fear that she will drive him away?

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 10:54am

When men get too much of the above...they automatically find excuses to STAY AWAY FROM HOME...and in some cases, take up with a woman who isn't as critical.


So if the reverse was true, when he started avoiding conversations, failing to carry his share of the relationship responsibilities and obligations, the woman should find excuses to STAY AWAY FROM HOME and in some cases find a man who better understands the dynamics of mature, open relationship that includes effective communication? And she would do this in lieu of working on the existing relationship because that would require too much effort ey?


I don't see the effectiveness of this mode of operation.

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 12:58pm

Hi Melanie!

Pianoguy ISN'T SUGGESTING that you (or any other woman) should avoid "voicing your feelings about life!"

But sometimes...and this goes for men as well as women...the way a spouse approaches an issue (via the tone of a voice and the words that are used) can make all the difference in the world!

I really don't believe a wife (or a husband) should "suffer in silence" over any marital issue. But let's face it...2 people CAN'T solve a problem if one half comes across with threats...or (even worse) like "a bully?"

WHY?

Simply because the other partner (male or female) will eventually get tired of the treatment and "tune you out!"

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-09-2006 - 1:12pm

Hello, Di!

PG suggests you read his response to Melanie (if you haven't already)?

And NO....a woman shouldn't "walk on eggshells" around her husband, b/f or s.o. Avoiding any problem usually creates new ones!

But....there's A HUGE DIFFERENCE when a woman wants to rationally discuss something (with her husband) that's bothering her....as opposed to someone DEMANDING THAT CORRECTIONS OR CHANGES BE MADE IMMEDIATELY!

Which approach do you think works better? And even more important...which approach would you prefer if the comments were directed towards you?

Pianoguy

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