Scared to tell him the truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Scared to tell him the truth
39
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:48am

I discovered in December that H was having an affair. He of course says it was not physical, that it was simply an "emotional affair". But with what I found, I don't believe it was just emotional. I also question this because six years ago I discovered that H was advertising on the internet for sex. When confronted he said he did meet with women, but never had the courage to go any further. And the first affair was eight years ago, when I found out he had a relationship with another co-worker. He told me they "just talked a lot".

My first reaction to this new incident was divorce, he of course faught this. We separated at the beginning of the year, but he is not giving me the space I need. He still comes over every night to see the boys. He is determined to make the marriage work. He cries every time I mention divorce. He doesn't understand why I won't give him another chance, especially now since he's seeing a therapist and is "fixing himself". He is now ready to be the husband I always wanted and the father the kids have never had.

I have my first appointment with the lawyer tomorrow, H doesn't know this. I'm a little scared as to what will happen when he knows how serious I am about the divorce. Not scared about my safety, but what his reaction will be, how hard will he fight this. During our 10 year marriage, I have always been the complaisant one, very non-confrontational. Which is probably why I've been walked on for so many years. I also think that's why he is having such a hard time dealing with this, because he has always been very manipulative. I suppose I'm looking for the best and most gentle way to break the news, and if anyone has dealt with a similar situation. Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 10:43am
This line of discussion seems to have generated lots of responses- I didn't know men participate in these discussions, either. It's nice to have a male's perspective. During my 14 year marriage (and 7 years previous) my ex and I bickered and nagged each other pretty much equally. We had different interests and personalities (why, again, did I get married?) but we usually agreed to disagree and went on with our lives. He had an affair, I didn't. I don't think guys cheat because the wife nags any more then that a wife cheats because her husband nags. I think people cheat because they are not getting what they want out of their marriage. But then again, I wansn't getting much out of my marriage and I didn't cheat...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 1:13pm

My EX would nag me.... about everything.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 1:25pm

Karen,

What's the stuff on the bottom of your posts? Are you on a diet? Congratulations on your weight loss if you are. How did you get your picture on the left side of the page?
Maybe I scared my ex into his affair with all my questions! (Just kidding)

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 2:09pm

I have to admit that anytime I try to talk to my DH about my feelings about this marriage he says I'm nagging. HMMMMM really? Maybe we should look at what the definition is:

VERB:
nagged , nag·ging , nags

To annoy by constant scolding, complaining, or urging.
To torment persistently, as with anxiety or pain.

To scold, complain, or find fault constantly: nagging at the children.
To be a constant source of anxiety or annoyance: The half-remembered quotation nagged at my mind.

In all honesty the above definition is exactly how I feel he treats me. How can one person be so self involved that a simple statement as “I’m unhappy” be twisted into a all out nag fest! He has even said to me in the same sentence that I don’t talk to him about how I feel or about what is bothering me but when I do I’m nagging! Call me crazy but how in the h*#@ am I supposed to respond to such a comment?

As for Pianoguys comment about the “Vibes”, I think that acting on a vibe that you feel someone is putting out there to you is a poor excuse for assuming! Which is not a form of communication and in almost all cases between male and female relationships is never good.

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:30am

Hi Laura,


I am trying to drop a few pounds.... it's not easy!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:35pm

I'm in a very similar situation. No affair in my case, but I want a divorce and my husband is devastated. He's offering to do whatever I want to make it work. I keep explaining that the real problem in our relationship is that I don't love him the way he loves me and that no amount of counseling or "working on the relationship" is going to change that. I got myself involved with someone and didn't know how to get out of it, first for financial/practical reasons. Then I decided that I could marry him because he wanted all the same things I want, would be a great father and a faithful, devoted husband. But now I know that isn't enough. I'm only 28 and I'm not ready to give up on finding real love - someone that I want to be with just because I want to be with him - not for financial/practical reasons. And I'm too young to settle for someone I don't really love.

I don't really have any advice for how to handle getting the divorce. My husband and I have concluded that we have to be physically separated. One of us has to move away. That's the only way I can imagine this working. He does not want the divorce and is begging me for a second chance. I just keep repeating my reasons over and over again. He's coming home tomorrow (has been out of state for almost 2 weeks to give me space). He says he's coming to get his things and he's moving. I'm afraid he's just going to beg and cry and make this so much harder to deal with. My dad's been divorced, so I'm going to talk to him tonight and see what he says about how to handle this. If I get any insight, I'll post it. Good luck. Stay strong - you are doing the right thing.

One thought - maybe you should start arranging for him to visit the boys in a neutral place, rather than at your home. Or have him come pick them up for an afternoon, etc. so it isn't just an excuse for him to be around you. Or let him come over, and you go run errands or hang out with a girl friend. Stop letting him invade your space and take advantage of the opportunity to continue his campaign to change your mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 9:48am

Hi Taylor!

Pianoguy wanted to respond to your question about communication...because whether you know it or not...you brought up an EXCELLENT POINT!

Men and women DON'T COMMUNICATE THE SAME WAY!

Most women want to outline details of a problem....most men want the "monarch notes" (abbreviated---give me the basics) version. So over a certain amount of time, both sexes will get frustrated. A man will become irritated when a woman 'doesn't get to the point of the problem!' A women will become irritated when she discovers her husband, b/f or s.o. is no longer listening!

As I pointed out earlier on this thread, the tone of any voice is usually the key that'll unlock a positive or a negative response from the person who is being 'taken to task!'

I'm very happy to listen and consider anything that a woman says to me...UNTIL...she stops conversing in a pleasant tone and starts acting like "my mother!" . It's at this point when the ability to equally communicate becomes a 'mother/child conversation!' This might work for children and adolescents, but NOT FOR ADULTS!

I realize there are women who feel that many men "still behave like little boys" and should be treated accordingly? So they want to lecture us! They tell us how many things we're doing wrong (past and present)...and relieve themselves of the feelings that have been 'stored inside for quite awhile?'

Unfortunately (depending upon the male who has become the "verbal target")...we'll probably reach a point of tuning you out...or just taking a walk! We'll do this in order to avoid a "combustible confrontation!" .

Having been a radio broadcaster for a few decades...and now a 'musician who interacts with others'...it's not a problem for me to talk to ANYBODY! But I still feel that how you approach a partner when you want to talk about ANY ISSUE (from children to bank accounts) is going to determine the success or failure of making your point(s) on any subject!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:34am

GHADS... imagine how I felt when my EX, with all sincerity, told me "but you're just like the mother I never had.".... to which I replied, "I'm your wife, don't want to be your mother... and if you have issues with her, I suggest that you talk to her about them."


I do agree with you.... it's all in the tone and how you approach someone that determines if the conversation even gets started.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 12:28pm
Yep....I agree. Presentation is everything.

Peace,


Di


***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

Peace,

Di

***If you cannot define yourself, your circumstances will.***

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:42pm

Hi Pianoguy!

Taylor has some questions for you:^}

How can I tell my DH that I want a divorce so that we are not caught up in the finger pointing game? I truly have come to a point in this relationship where I know this is best for both of us. I don’t want to rehash all the issues anymore. I totally agree with you about male and female communication styles. But when you throw in the fact that my DH will never take responsibility for his actions and is in total denial that he has anger management issues now what? How do I safely get out of this marriage? How do I tell him what I want without setting him off?

Taylor