Scared to tell him the truth

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Scared to tell him the truth
39
Wed, 02-08-2006 - 12:48am

I discovered in December that H was having an affair. He of course says it was not physical, that it was simply an "emotional affair". But with what I found, I don't believe it was just emotional. I also question this because six years ago I discovered that H was advertising on the internet for sex. When confronted he said he did meet with women, but never had the courage to go any further. And the first affair was eight years ago, when I found out he had a relationship with another co-worker. He told me they "just talked a lot".

My first reaction to this new incident was divorce, he of course faught this. We separated at the beginning of the year, but he is not giving me the space I need. He still comes over every night to see the boys. He is determined to make the marriage work. He cries every time I mention divorce. He doesn't understand why I won't give him another chance, especially now since he's seeing a therapist and is "fixing himself". He is now ready to be the husband I always wanted and the father the kids have never had.

I have my first appointment with the lawyer tomorrow, H doesn't know this. I'm a little scared as to what will happen when he knows how serious I am about the divorce. Not scared about my safety, but what his reaction will be, how hard will he fight this. During our 10 year marriage, I have always been the complaisant one, very non-confrontational. Which is probably why I've been walked on for so many years. I also think that's why he is having such a hard time dealing with this, because he has always been very manipulative. I suppose I'm looking for the best and most gentle way to break the news, and if anyone has dealt with a similar situation. Any advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-16-2006 - 4:57pm

Here's what I did..... Since I knew that he would never accept responsibility for his part of the breakdown in the marriage, I just decided that *I* knew, and that was all that was important.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 1:13pm

First of all, I just want to give everyone that has responded to my initial post a great big hug, you all have really helped me. It feels good to know that I'm not alone.

I have tried the same approach you spoke of CL, taking all the blame on myself. Pretty much saying all the same things you did, and it's still not working. We keep going round and round with the same argument and his begging is now annoying. What he doesn't seem to understand is the more he begs, the more clear my decision becomes. I have been extremely honest and forthcoming with him and told him there are no options left, the marriage is over and I will be filing for divorce. He refuses to accept this, and I have no other option left but to file the papers and have him served.

I worry about this because in our current arrangement he has the boys every other week, with me picking up from school everyday and staying with them until he gets off sork. And since this arrangement began he has been trying to turn my oldest son against me. He has told my son, "Mommy hates me" and other equally idiotic things. All this to a seven year old. I tried to do what I thought was best for my kids, but I can't have this. I will now seek full custody and perhaps he can see them on the weekends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 02-17-2006 - 3:07pm

At one point, I even told my EX that "maybe" we could get back together someday, but for now, we had to back all the way up.... totally separating our lives, divorcing... then, maybe we could start over.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-18-2006 - 8:46am

Hi Taylor!

From what you described in your earlier post, Pianoguy knows YOU AREN'T GONNA HAVE AN EASY TIME BREAKING THE NEWS ABOUT A DIVORCE TO YOUR HUSBAND.

So here's one man's suggestion:

If the 2 of you have a 'mutual friend who can sit close by (before you "drop the bomb") and whose judgement you both trust---this might be a better option than being completely alone with your husband? I'm not suggesting that your husband will be pleased by your intentions to divorce him, but having a friend who can act as a 'referee' isn't necessarily a bad idea???

Even though you indicated your husband "won't take responsibility for his actions"---a man will often behave a little better when there's a 3rd party present? But if you decide to take this route, be sure and let your 'mutual friend' in on your intentions IN ADVANCE.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 2:23pm
hi, look from reading what you wrote i can tell you are serious about ending your relationship with him. My advice to you is stand up for yourself you said he is very manipulative, his cries about becoming a better father for his kids and a better husband for you is just one of his manipulative ways he thinks if he gets your genuinely believe he is trying to change then you will reconsider, STAND UP AND PUT A STOP TO HIS MANIPULATIVE WAYS he is using your children as pawns to get to you, dont fall for it do what you want, start thinking of you and your children first.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2006
Sun, 02-19-2006 - 2:53pm
I'm sorry you have to go through the hell known as divorce. You are doing what's best for your kids by acknowledging your feelings and acting on them. The saying goes "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy". Do what's right for you- not your husband. My husband served me with papers and I was totally shocked. It's been about a year and every day that I wake up and he's not here is a better day for my children and I. We don't fight and scream and there's no tension in the house. We do our arguing with our lawyers and have each begun to move on. Sharing the kids is really hard, but I am taking it one day at a time. At first, he had the kids two nights a week and 3 weekends a month. Soon, I wanted more fun time with the kids and we sent angry and evil messages via e-mail until one night I took him into the bathroom and told him that I want the kids every other weekend. Period. Then I marked the familiy calendar with his visits circled in blue marker so the kids could plan ahead. It worked- he has agreed. I just took a stand and kept letting him know I won't budge on that issue. I am normally a very passive person, but when it comes to visitation I was strong. Now that we're moving this summer, we have re-negotiated our visits- he will have Wed. nights and e/o weekend. I will give him more summer time so my son can spend more time with his dad. Hang on. Nobody is happy to be served divorce papers, but you know what's right. GO GIRL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:34pm

Hi,

I have a feeling that my DH will react the same way! At one point after I had to call the cops to our house because he would'nt let me leave to go to work or even to go into another room away from him, I told him I wanted a divorce. I made him leave the house. He called me every hour begging and saying how sorry he was for what he had done. Then the next day instead of giving me the space I needed he came back to the house to talk at me for several hours. I never responded to anything he had to say but he kept on rambling from one emotion to the next. I was not emotionally prepared to deal with going forward with the divorce so after a few days I let him back in... Now I am sooooo ready!! I have made a lot of steps toward telling him. April will be the month and I cant wait! I know it will not be easy but I am ready this time.

Clarity has great powers! Be strong and see clearly that he is trying to manipulate you for his own gain.

Hugs
Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 2:44pm

Hi Pianoguy!

I think that is a great idea. But my DH is so afraid of what other people think that he is willing to sacrafice anything to keep a good light over him. He would flip out if I set this up. He hates all of my friends and family, the time I kicked him out of the house after I had to call the cops his family sat around and talked about me a family get together so they are out of the question too.

I wish things were not so complicated but it is what it is.

Taylor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-20-2006 - 3:51pm

Hi Taylor!

Pianoguy understands your b/f's issues with...err..."appearances!" But try to keep one thing in mind.....PLEASE???

This is supposed to be a "happy relationship between you both!" If you're uncomfortable with the way things have been going....and have tried everything in your power to keep the man from becoming 'unglued'-----

YOU NEED TO CONSULT WITH A STRONGER SUBSTANCE----LIKE AN ATTORNEY----IF YOU CAN'T WORK THINGS OUT TOGETHER!

Granted...the choice isn't easy or pleasant...but can you honestly think of a divorce or separation that is???

Pianoguy

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