second guessing divorce...again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2013
second guessing divorce...again!
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 10:02am

I am currently going through a divorce from my husband who Ive been married to for 5 years. We separated numerous times over the past 2 years and Ive moved into my own home 3 separate times. We decided to finally file for divorce in March, and I have purchased my own home. We are about 3 months from finalizing our divorce right now. We are both dating other people, and happy with the person were dating. However, we are both also starting to second guess this divorce, which happens every time we separate. I don't know if these feelings are a normal part of a divorce process or if deep down, we both want each other still. I feel like we both made numerous attempts to make our marriage work and it was unsuccesful. However, at the same time I feel like we made a vow to stay together for better or worse, till death do us part (not divorce do us part). The inital problem that started all of our issues, was that he cheated on me when i was pregnant for our daughter (who is now 3 years old). We had only been married 6 months when i got pregnant, and i was 22, he was 23. He admitted to cheating and said he was sorry and would do anything to take it back. However he still would go out and party a lot, sometimes not coming home at night.  Long story short, he slowly made a complete turn around and turned into a loyal husband and good father. But by the time that happened, I was already pushed so far away from him. I would appreciate any advice from fellow divorcees on this problem. I know that ultimately it is my decision - but I just need some insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 10:46am

Separating 3 times in a 5 yrs marriage doesn't really sound like a great marriage to me--and cheating on you while you were pregnant is low.  Did he start being a good DH & father before or after you told him you wanted a divorce?  Do you think he has really changed or is just putting on a front for now and then if you cancel the divorce, he'll go back to his former self?  You are the only one who can answer that.  You know even if you go through with the divorce, there's nothing to prevent you from getting back togetehr.

I do have to say that when I decided to get a divorce from my 2nd DH (the divorce from the 1st DH was not my idea) after being married 5 yrs, it was a relief.  I couldn't wait to get him out of the house & I never had 2nd thoughts about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2009
Tue, 06-11-2013 - 3:00pm

I believe those feelings are absolutely normal while going through this process. What's the old expression? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? It's easy NOT to be incredibly annoyed at someone when you don't have to see them every day and sleep near them every night. I'm currently going through a divorce and there are far too many days when I reconsider - even if only for a minute. But the fact that he cheated is always just a short distance behind - and even though it's been a long time, it's something I'll never be able to forget. For you, since the "final" separation is still very fresh (and you're both already dating other people very quickly), it's easy to compare Mr. New to Mr. Old and think that the old one isn't so bad, especially with the child factor and how many years you've put into that relationship.

With the exception of the child part, your situation sounds very similar to mine. When you said:

Rnchick11 wrote:
Long story short, he slowly made a complete turn around and turned into a loyal husband and good father. But by the time that happened, I was already pushed so far away from him.

you could've been reading my mind. I don't want to assume, but I know a big part of my STBX's problem is immaturity. And given the two of you are still relatively young, that could be an issue (and the reason it took so long for his turn around).

I've been seeing a therapist for the better part of a year, and she and I both agree the trust and betrayal factor is something I'll never be able to fully move past, if I chose to stay. This ultimately resulted in my decision to divorce. My advice - if you feel it's something you can move past, then stay in your separate homes (for the time being) and try to make things work. You need to figure out if you truly think you can trust him again and if you can let go of past hurts to move forward. Either way you decide, good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 10:14am

There are people who are capable of cheating and those who would never consider it, even if the relationship is horrible. As Maya Angelou says, "When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." Cheating is a horrible and hurtful thing to do to the person you supposedly commited your life to. Do you really want to be with someoe who didn't care enough about you to refrain from this betrayal? Yes, you can love someone and have chemistry with someone who is a toxic presence in your life. It sounds like you two are co-dependent. The fact that you have gone your separate ways so many times means that the relationship is not right for either of you. 

You both need to learn a new way to operate with each other. From now on, your communications with him should solely revolve around your child. Do not discuss how much you miss each other, do not discuss your boyfriend/girlfriend, do not discuss personal problems. It's time to think of him as the father of your child, and that's is his only role in your life. I also think people should be alone for awhile after a divorce for at least 6 months to a year. This gives you time to grieve the divorce and think about what you really want in life. Neither of you are over your marriage, so what is it that you're both giving to your new partner? It's not fair to them. Being alone without a partner  also gives the child time to adjust to a new way of life. The child should not be introduced to the new bf/gf until that relationship seems like it's on a long-term path. Children do not need to get attached to people who are going to quickly exit out of their lives. Good luck on your second chance in life.

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 7:03pm

Separation can be beneficial as it takes the pressure off a relationship and gives both people time to breath and see things more objectively. Trouble is, you two appear to be incapable of being alone while separated, so you go find other people to fill the void, and then you wind up on the merry-go-round of regret about breaking up.

My suggestion is twofold: either work on staying together or work on staying apart. This back and forth stuff is exhausting to you mentally, physically and emotionally, and I dare say it's confusing to your daughter. 

I'd suggest you seek professional counseling once more to determine whether BOTH of you are able to commit to the marriage or whether you need to break up. Do this for your daughter. It's time to put her needs ahead of your own.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2013
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 4:49pm

my husband and I have also been married 5 years. Althought we do not have any children together, he has cheated many times, we split up 3 times, in the last 5 years it has become a nightmare, i have filed for divorce because last time he was home (he is a pipeliner) he ended up assulting my 16 year old which this has happend 2 times. i have been told that he is on meth the signs are there but i dont know if he is or not. I have been told how sorry i am how worthless i am and how i am many other things. now that i have filed for divorce he has become sweet and telling me that he tried and now the divorce is my fault this is what i want. no honestly i want him to be the man he was when i met him and married him. he was amazing and then he compleatly turned into someone i do not know. so i am with you and i dont know what to do either i am having a very hard time. dont feel like you are alone. my advise is just get it over with it wont change it might for a little while but it will go right back to the way it was

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2014
Sun, 03-16-2014 - 12:27am

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