second quessing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2003
second quessing
1
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 4:52pm

Hi again....for my cousin. She left her abusive H 2 years ago wth DD. Still trying to get a divorce settlement.....

She went to her company Christmas party....she feels sad when she sees all the couples together and wonders if her problems were really that bad. (yes they were....her dd hates her father). It was suggested that they see a therapist to help them communicate...for dd sake. H brings up past and tries to remnd her of happy times....so draining on her. In 2 years he hasn't done a kind thing. All he cares about is his money and he uses dd to hurt my cousin.

we know it will take time for her to heal....what can we do for her to help her not second guess her decision? She tried everythng to stay married...11 years. It doesn't help either that she is a devout Catholic and it pains her that she is divorcing.

Is there something she can read or whatever to help her through. We try to tell her that when it is all final it will ease up a bit....let's hope so!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 8:07pm

Bhappy,


Your cousin may benefit from joining a support group for victims of domestic violence. She needs to hear others who have lived the nightmare and she also needs to be reminded that it was really bad and she didn't and doesn't have to return to it to be "happy."


I'd also recommend she call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). She'll find supportive, knowledgable people there who can help her deal with the loneliness and her STBX's manipulation. They've heard it all and they know what to do. Your cousin is in new, unknown territory for her. She's free of abuse but she's got a whole new landscape to navigate. It isn't surprising she thinks about returning to her Ex - she knows what to expect and oddly, that can be comforting, even if its violent.


It's also natural to compare our situation with others whether we want to or not. It's hard for everyone who is separated and divorced to see other happy people going on with their lives. That's often because we expect that from our own marriages. When they fail or we need to leave to protect ourselves and our children, we leave behind all those expectations and dreams.

CL-Wisdomtooth2020